Loving It is right. Learn to be detached. The goal is to get to a place emotionally where she can come to you and say "Last night I had a hot lesbian orgy with 6 other women." And you go, "oh, okay. Hey where did I put the remote?"
Detachment is about being happy, fulfilled, pleased internally, regardless of her crazy. Work on it. It is freeing. And it may have the side benefit of having a huge effect on her in a positive way.
This seems so far from reach Steve. Am I basically just telling myself, in my mind, that i dont give an F about this woman any more? I feel like thats the only way to approach detaching
You are setting a boundary. You have no intention on sharing your wife with someone else. She has disrespected you. You need time and space to decide what to do.
Do not get into any drama. DO NOT SHOW YOUR EMOTIONS.
You are taking back your b@lls.
Last edited by job; 11/07/1907:15 PM. Reason: edited language
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Loving It is right. Learn to be detached. The goal is to get to a place emotionally where she can come to you and say "Last night I had a hot lesbian orgy with 6 other women." And you go, "oh, okay. Hey where did I put the remote?"
Detachment is about being happy, fulfilled, pleased internally, regardless of her crazy. Work on it. It is freeing. And it may have the side benefit of having a huge effect on her in a positive way.
This seems so far from reach Steve. Am I basically just telling myself, in my mind, that i dont give an F about this woman any more? I feel like thats the only way to approach detaching
No, absolutely not. This is why I implore for newcomers to study loving detachment. Cadet's links are a great starting point. Google "self-differentiation" in marriage.
kb, here is the problem: looking to your W for the source of happiness is bad for both of you. First it is bad for you because we live in an imperfect world. Where people lie, cheat, leave, oh and even die. So if your happiness is unhealthily tied to one person, if they go away for whatever reason then you have no hope at a happy productive life. Secondly, it is grossly unfair to put that on another person. "Hey, W, you are responsible for not only your own happiness, but mine as well!" That is why self-differentiation is vitally important. Because that kind of pressure to make someone else happy will cause most people to eventually crack.
Being emotionally detached doesn't mean you don't care about her. It means you are internally fulfilled, happy, confident no matter what her words or actions are. If they are positive towards that fulfillment, happiness, and confidence, then great! If not, well that is ok too because your fulfillment, happiness and confidence comes from within.
In fact, fulfillment, happiness and confidence that rely on outside factors (like another person) aren't real to begin with,
This is why IC is not only important....it is a necessity!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Am I basically just telling myself, in my mind, that i dont give an F about this woman any more?
No. You care deeply for this person. You just don't want to be with someone who does not want to be exclusively with you."
This is your moral code. (or at least mine, you are free to take it as yours if you choose).
You do not want to control her. She is free to do what she wants.
If she wants to be with you, you will know. she will be begging you for a second chance. Be ready for Crocodile tears.
This is not a quick processes. Take as long as you want to decide what to do. Run every choice past us (if you want) before making decision. Collectively, we all have seen or experienced almost everything that will most likely happen.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just to set expectations straight, there's no magic silver bullet here... it will be a roller coaster of events and emotions, and no guarantee of outcome even if you do everything perfect.
There are certain things you can avoid doing immediately like anger, crying, pleading, pursuing to push them away further.
Btw, do you actually know this OW? Do you know if she didn't disguise the name under a female's name so she can more easily claim it as a "friend" if she was caught? I guess maybe it doesn't matter to you as much.
DO NOT try to talk to her for a while, at least a week, about ANYTHING. I would suggest shutting down ALL conversations with her until your emotions settle down. No dinners together, no going out, no talking about the weather, NOTHING. Once your emotions neutralize then you can start to think about where to go from here. Until then double down on getting out and GALing.
This will be hard to do considering we have our 12S, we will be communicating about school stuff, dinner, etc. I will implement not saying anything to her the best I can
Being emotionally detached doesn't mean you don't care about her. It means you are internally fulfilled, happy, confident no matter what her words or actions are. If they are positive towards that fulfillment, happiness, and confidence, then great! If not, well that is ok too because your fulfillment, happiness and confidence comes from within.
i desperately need to get to this point. I thought I was detaching, but It wasn't true detachment.
