Steve I haven't read all of your sitch yet. Understood that DB is for me...just hard to get out of wanting my W back. Have you and your W reconciled? If not, are you still longing for her? Or are you completely over her?
We have been Ring and Piecing for a year and a half. But I literally had to let her go to get her back. DBing is counter-intuitive, but having been through it twice, it is the only way you have a chance of reconciling. Pursuit and pressure push WASs right out the door. In both my sitches I got her back by letting her go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have been Ring and Piecing for a year and a half. But I literally had to let her go to get her back. DBing is counter-intuitive, but having been through it twice, it is the only way you have a chance of reconciling. Pursuit and pressure push WASs right out the door. In both my sitches I got her back by letting her go.
Steve, I don't know what to do. Does letting her go mean to separate from her? Or do I just give her space while she eats her cake? Please help im desperate
giving her space doesn't mean allowing her to eat cake. you can enforce your boundaries. it could mean that you stop providing things emotionally / physically that a H would provide for her. it doesn't have to be a physical separation, so you can do it in house. some people may suggest moving her out of the MBR.
given that you just had the initial confrontation, expect that you will have more confrontations / discussions in the near future (today, tomorrow). both of you will be saying and acting out of extreme emotions, so anticipate that. she is probably spiraling right now with anger also. if you do interact more today, definitely don't make things worse by acting angry or desperate. allow some time to pass before you can actually have constructive conversation.
full disclosure - I'm a newbie on boundaries, etc... so listen to the other vets. I'm much more experienced in the patterns of emotions, blow ups, and aftermath.
KB, so now you know A) your wife is a liar and B) your wife is a cheater. Here's my question to you- what can you possibly hope to gain by having any kind of discussion with a lying cheater? No matter how blatant the evidence, a lying cheater is going to deny and gaslight (if you're not familiar with the term then please Google it and read, because you will be dealing with it a LOT in the coming months). Your emotions are all over the place and you really can't function properly until they settle down, which is going to take some time. So give yourself time. DO NOT try to talk to her for a while, at least a week, about ANYTHING. I would suggest shutting down ALL conversations with her until your emotions settle down. No dinners together, no going out, no talking about the weather, NOTHING. Once your emotions neutralize then you can start to think about where to go from here. Until then double down on getting out and GALing.
Loving It is right. Learn to be detached. The goal is to get to a place emotionally where she can come to you and say "Last night I had a hot lesbian orgy with 6 other women." And you go, "oh, okay. Hey where did I put the remote?"
Detachment is about being happy, fulfilled, pleased internally, regardless of her crazy. Work on it. It is freeing. And it may have the side benefit of having a huge effect on her in a positive way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
... No matter how blatant the evidence, a lying cheater is going to deny and gaslight (if you're not familiar with the term then please Google it and read, because you will be dealing with it a LOT in the coming months). ...
+1... expect gaslighting. I've been gaslighted more than my share by WW, and never realized the term until recently when I started to learn about relationship patterns and dynamics.
I used to be very confrontational every time, she would blatantly deny / lie to my face, until I prove to her with actual evidence. Then she just learns to cover her tracks until she gets lazy and messes up.
So listen to the vets here about not disclosing how you know, just that you know.
KB, so now you know A) your wife is a liar and B) your wife is a cheater. Here's my question to you- what can you possibly hope to gain by having any kind of discussion with a lying cheater? No matter how blatant the evidence, a lying cheater is going to deny and gaslight (if you're not familiar with the term then please Google it and read, because you will be dealing with it a LOT in the coming months). Your emotions are all over the place and you really can't function properly until they settle down, which is going to take some time. So give yourself time. DO NOT try to talk to her for a while, at least a week, about ANYTHING. I would suggest shutting down ALL conversations with her until your emotions settle down. No dinners together, no going out, no talking about the weather, NOTHING. Once your emotions neutralize then you can start to think about where to go from here. Until then double down on getting out and GALing.
AS is very wise. If you only take one piece of advise, what I highlighted is it. DO NOT ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION. LISTEN if needed.
If you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING, say this: "I have some decisions to make" and walk away.
I personally would CALMLY and RESPECTFULLY move all of her personal belongings out of the MASTER BEDROOM and put them in the guest room RIGHT NOW.
Last edited by Ready2Change; 11/07/1906:06 PM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
... No matter how blatant the evidence, a lying cheater is going to deny and gaslight (if you're not familiar with the term then please Google it and read, because you will be dealing with it a LOT in the coming months). ...
+1... expect gaslighting. I've been gaslighted more than my share by WW, and never realized the term until recently when I started to learn about relationship patterns and dynamics.
I used to be very confrontational every time, she would blatantly deny / lie to my face, until I prove to her with actual evidence. Then she just learns to cover her tracks until she gets lazy and messes up.
So listen to the vets here about not disclosing how you know, just that you know.
And the classic "we're just friends!" Heard this despite evidence nude photos were exchanged. They will deny deny deny.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
