22 Years Gone Part 2

[joejoe1]

Roo,

It's easy for us to look and find all the negatives in our lives. But what I read and what stuck out more to me, wasn't the people walking out, but it was how much you helped your family and how, even thou these people that you love have hurt you, you have found ways to forgive them.

So, stop looking for reasons why people are walking out your life, and wait for and nurture the people that walk in.

From what I read you are an awesome, loving, caring, reliable dude, don't let people change that about you are allow other people actions too question yourself and blame yourself.

Keep ya head up Roo.

Joejoe

[Thornton]

Hey Rooskers,

I have some abandonment issues as well that began when I was around 10 years old, it still affects me to this day. I wish I could provide some advice that could help you but I'm kind of in the same boat that you are.

Hang on your hat on the good things, most notably your relationship with D. You have been a rock for her and that speaks to your character.

You're a good dude, Rooskers. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thorn

[Augusto]

Rooskers,

Your post really stirred some emotions in me.

My dad abandoned us when I was very young. I swore never to have my family torn apart by a D, and here I am now.

I'll never forget a dream I had. I was at the beach, in the water drowning and yelling for help. My dad was walking away, not turning back, holding hands with his OW. The dream captured exactly how I felt.

When my W BDed me, I couldn't stop thinking about that dream. An image came into my mind of her walking away from me behind my dad as well.

Hang in there, things will get better.

[kas99]

Add me to the list of someone with abandonment issues. My suggestion, which you will hate, is to consider how blessed you are. I'm sitting here worried I won't be able feed my kids and thinking I might have to move to the slum in a year. I make too much money for food stamps and my rent is high. I'm so scared.

If I get a better settlement than what WAH is paying now I think I will be okay but at this point I'm worried. I don't even know how much I'll have to pay in legal fees. I saved up as much as I could before I moved but I have this bad feeling it's going to get ugly.

[rooskers]

Maslow's Expanded Hierarchy of Needs

1. Biological and physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.

2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, etc.

3. Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. Affiliating, being part of a group (family, friends, work).

4. Esteem needs - which Maslow classified into two categories: (i) esteem for oneself (dignity, achievement, mastery, independence) and (ii) the desire for reputation or respect from others (e.g., status, prestige).

5. Cognitive needs - knowledge and understanding, curiosity, exploration, need for meaning and predictability.

6. Aesthetic needs - appreciation and search for beauty, balance, form, etc.

7. Self-actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

8. Transcendence needs - A person is motivated by values which transcend beyond the personal self (e.g., mystical experiences and certain experiences with nature, aesthetic experiences, sexual experiences, service to others, the pursuit of science, religious faith, etc.).

Ok I am at Level 2. I just have 6 more levels to go.

[kas99]

Ok I am at Level 2. I just have 6 more levels to go.

You've got to be higher than that. I'm higher than that and my life is kinda sad right now.

[rooskers]

My suggestion, which you will hate, is to consider how blessed you are.

I have a house I own.
I have D13 who loves me.
I have a job.
I have my health.
I am currently financially secure (840 credit score :))

Other than my daughters love most of these items are in Maslow's Hierarchy level 1 and level 2.

3. Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love.

Other than to D13 I am not sure I will ever be able to receive this or give this.

[rooskers]

D13 had an all day visit on Saturday with her mother because it was her mother's birthday. I walked D13 outside and gave her a hug and whispered in her ear "you got this because you are a strong, amazing young women." She was crying and did not want to go but I smiled and let her know I loved her and would be here for her when she returned.

That evening when she returned I was waiting outside on the porch. As she walked up from her mother's car she did not say a word. I wrapped her up in my arms as I brought her back in the house. We maintained that for the next hour because she could not talk but silent tears ran down her cheeks. It took 3 hours for her to be able to say any words. I did not press for information and was not given any. The only thing she said was "I hurt daddy, I hurt real bad." All I know is it seemed to help when I held her, so that is what I did.

Every day I ask myself "Is there nothing more that I can do?" Her counselor says I am doing great and so does everyone else but why do I feel like such a failure.

This is a divorcebusting forum and I am already divorced and have no hope for a healthy relationship with my XW so I am not sure why I am here except that it helps.

[DS9]

Thanks for sharing how you’reD’s been feeling. I’m sending both of you positive vibes and energy. You’re a frickin fantastic dad and I’m learning from you and how you’re coping with things.

How’s your D today? I’ve been meaning to ask too what you teach and what are your Ds favourite subjects?

Take care Roo. There’s always a chance things change for the better. My relationship with my step son is testament to that. Would you even take your XW back?

[rooskers]

How’s your D today?

D13 is doing great now that she is back home. Last night we worked on a science report together and all I can say is I have learned all I need to know about the genetics of redheads. We really did have a lot of fun working on the assignment and she was so thankful for the help she almost cried. The assignment had her really stressed out. I continue to teach her how to cook and so dinner was apple chicken sausages, yukon gold potatoes, and eggs. She really liked having breakfast for dinner. Each night we also go for a walk together which gives her a chance to talk and work out her problems. The sunset was amazing and so we sat and watched it together.

I’ve been meaning to ask too what you teach and what are your Ds favourite subjects?

I am a math teacher and D13 is in my algebra class. Math is one of her favorite subjects but she also likes science and art. We both took painting classes together this summer and I was surprised at how much we learned and improved. She has mentioned she would really like to take piano lessons with me next.

Would you even take your XW back?

I would never take back the person she is now. Would I take back the women I thought she was for most of our marriage? I am not sure I would because I am not sure that person ever existed. I ask myself everyday if the person I married was always like this and I just didn't want to see it. D13 said if I ever reconciled with her that is the day she would lose respect and trust in me. D13 feels like she has been emotionally abused by her mother for years and I would be betraying her if I ever got back together with her.