WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Quick update, just to note:

Saturday morning my W asked me if I thought that she wanted to spend all her weekends alone (as in me busy again!). Before I could answer she stated that she didn't want to be alone!!

Conversation ended there as kids were around.

Well that was clear what she doesn't want. I Wonder what she does want. I am starting to get curious about my own situation, as I mentioned in my last post.

[SBJ]

Roist, you should find a GAL activity that she can join you in. A good friend told me that he and his w compared lists of things they wanted to do and picked one they both had. They learned how to sail together. Just a suggestion.

[DnJ]

Good Morning roist

Just dropping by. I read along and am curious about your situation as well. Hmmm. Doesn’t want to be alone, and speaking about it.

I’m not reading too much into that, as I said just popped in to say.

Have a happy Father’s Day.

DnJ

[bttrfly]

happy Father's Day Roist xoxo

[Gordie]

In my own situation

W finds it much easier to know and articulate what she does not like

It is a step in a long journey, a positive one

I think it goes over a multi year period:

I am very unhappy with my life

I am going to try the opposite of whatever I was doing

I do not like X

I do like Y

At some point, I imagine they start thinking about others

But think the empathy chip may be the last piece of the puzzle

[roist]

Quick note, mostly to self:

We had a conversation this week, or rather W initiated a conversation in which in essence she is ready or moreso waiting for me to have improved communication. Recently I'll admit that I have been lacking in the communication side of things. And she has now on several occassions initiated similar chats. Sometimes just a little H bashing but seems more and more genuinely interested in us talking. She wants better communication so things can improve. Although I asked her clearly what she wanted it still wasn't clear.

About six months ago I let her know it didn't interest me to be with someone not interested in being with me. I have said similar a few times. This week she got frustrated with my comeback stating that she NEVER said she wasn't interested in me or communicating with me. I said it came acroos to me that way. I didn't force the issue by quoting what she said at the beginning of this crisis which in essence did say that.


She added that for my birthday she bought new clothes, waxed, new hairstyle FOR ME and I never thanked her for the effort. I said I had noticed but didn't know that it was for me.

Other small points arose, but I feel a change.

Anyway I am thinking this through and believe she is now at a much better place to hear some feedback from me. I know to thread lightly but still this is new groound for me. Five years ago when this crisis brike, I put in the work and was willing, ready and able to talk about anything with her. Since that has diminished. Maybe it is time to revise that.

I have no huge expectations about where this will lead, but I am curious to see.

Any tips/advice or observation are always welcome.

Hope that makes sence, it is a rushed note just to record some points for me.

Best wishes

Thanks to the posters who read along and posted since my last post. appreciate you guys

[Gerda]

It's funny that she thought you would know her dressing up for your b-day was for you. But it's still a good sign that she is trying to look attractive to you.

You sound like you have not forgiven her and that you are holding back to punish her.

I am not judging you for that, just offering a view of what it looks like from this vantage point.

Maybe re-read Gordie's thread for a little while to get into the groove of forgiving and also being patient to wait and see what happens. I don't think it would work on any man or any woman to place too many conditions on things, let alone a skittish MLCer.

I don't judge you at all, I am struggling a lot with my stand. But just trying to give a perspective in case helpful.

And try to remember that many of us out here read what your W is doing lately and are JEALOUS. Obviously she has a long way to go, but it's a blessing to see her soften a little. Try to enjoy the blessing -- not having expectations is not the same as locking up. Watch and wait, but smile at her sometimes to encourage her awkward little baby steps. She is learning how to ride a bike and can't do it if you don't sometimes help her balance.

[roist]

Hi Gerda.

Yeap I can't mindread and gave up trying a long time ago!!! I could have been annoyed that she spent more on herself than on me for my birthday, but at this stage I just observe. All and all, yes it is a positive.

I appreciate your sharing your perspective : "You sound like you have not forgiven her and that you are holding back to punish her." I will reflect on this although my first reaction is that I don't think so. But it is true that I have barriers up. In the last year I really am not interested in being with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

I will admit that each interaction like in my last post does warm me and feeds my belief that we could make it. I am grateful for these. Truly. However I feel a bit like a huge steam liner who has a path to follow and changing that path is difficult and not instant. Takes time to slow and turn. I have my own path to follow and I need to optimise how best to react to such interactions. I believe that if I stop my own path and go too much towards her, it would be a mistake. I'll it figure out though.

your words to me made me think of advice that I have given to others here. Their spouses showed signs of interest, but because it wasn't as they wanted, it was viewed lightly. I made the point that the WAS was doing the best they could. Yes my W's baby steps are awkward and less than I would like, they are positive.

I try to focus on the positive. I do observe loads of positives, but they are still sporadic moments in a sea of poorer interactions. It's almost like someone else dropped by to see me and then left again.

Gerda, I am good with a bike, so I will make an effort to help her balance.

In the time it took me to write that I thought that I had forgiven her, but maybe I have more resentment than I would like for our situation. Ahh the cycles and phases of this journey!

Best wishes everyone

[Gordie]

R,

As you and others have told me, forgiveness is a process too.

For some there is a moment and a decision.

For most like me it takes time.

You think you are there and then something triggers you reminding you are not.

But I am only saying what you know and have told me and others.

Agree with your self assessment that w is making baby steps.

Sometimes that raises expectations which can lead to disappointment.

But you know that too.

[ForeverYoung]

You're doing well, roist. I know first hand how weary we can get.

Slow progress is good. Probably the best. 7 and a half years since BD for me, and our relationship continues to improve. Commitment is the key. It sounds like you both have that. Good job!