It´s quite easy to have zero expectations these days. I think she´s ok for now but her life sounds like such a mess when she described it. She mentioned how she´s just alone all the time. Her best friend she doesn´t recognize anymore due to drugs(thank God my stbxw doesn´t have drug problems or an addictive personality), her other close friend travels to another country to visit her boyfriend as often as possible and will eventually move there.
So she hardly has any friends left except for one co-worker who also has a boyfriend she lives with. Sad to hear that but nothing I can do of course. Just have to leave her to deal with the mess she´s gotten herself into.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
So my update on trying online dating is that it´s not exactly what I thought it would be. I matched with a VERY beautiful girl and felt like we really connected. I was almost nervous because she was so perfect. That attractive and same sense of humor as me and great conversation. After the third day I asked her if she had Instagram so we´re not only chatting on Tinder. I would have suggested we meet right away but she lived 2 hours away so the idea was that we would meet end of November when she would be in my area for work. When I asked her for Instagram suddenly she unmatched me and disappeared. So she was catfishing me(most likely).
Girl 2 I met last night. Well, she did not look like she did on the pictures. She must have gained some weight. It´s fine of course but I don´t see the point of not using recent pictures. In a way I think it was better because I am inexperienced when it comes to dating and this was a good way of getting used to the idea. She was hard to read and despite me being relaxed and the conversation flowed naturally, I didn´t see any indicators of interest from her. I had taken her to a nearby bar. But as we left and walked past my apartment I asked if she wanted to come up and she said yes(I would not have guessed she would). We ended up having sex and she spent the night. Well, 10 months without sex and built up frustration was released that night We did not speak of our past relationships and I didn´t feel like bringing up my ex so I didn´t. She actually seemed to hint that she wasn´t looking for anything serious a few times throughout the night which suits me fine.
Girl 3 I met today during the day. Instead of suggesting a bar or lunch, I suggested we go for a walk with my pug(she expressed how she was dying to meet him when we chatted on Tinder). Going for a walk was much better! Not the same pressure and both of us can easily exit if we weren´t feeling it. She looked like her pictures but a bit less attractive then someone I would usually be interested in. She suggested after the walk we grab some coffee and as we sat down, wow she was very attracted to me - playing with her hear, face almost red and seemed nervous. As we said goodbye she hugged me really tight and said she hopes we can meet again. I am not sure if I will take her out on another date.
Girl 2 is coming over to my place again tomorrow evening. She recently moved just 5 minutes walk from where I live so that´s convenient
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
You haven´t heard from me in a while. I´ve been doing well. No more dates besides those two, just been busy with work and some travel. I was really doing fine. Until today...
Just a moment ago, I was walking to a café near me to get a double espresso as I often do. On my way I walked by a guy and a girl walking in to another café near me. I turned around and noticed it was my stbxw. My heart sank...I ´m doing well like I said but this is the first time I actually see her with another man with my own eyes. I figured something like this was going on since I haven´t heard from her in a while. As I wrote earlier, she came over late at night on November 2 when her phone and wallet were stolen. Then nothing until 6 days ago when she messaged and asked a random question.
Anyway, going to the gym now. I just thought I was more detached than this. Didn´t think it would bother me this much...
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
You haven´t heard from me in a while. I´ve been doing well. No more dates besides those two, just been busy with work and some travel. I was really doing fine. Until today...
Just a moment ago, I was walking to a café near me to get a double espresso as I often do. On my way I walked by a guy and a girl walking in to another café near me. I turned around and noticed it was my stbxw. My heart sank...I ´m doing well like I said but this is the first time I actually see her with another man with my own eyes. I figured something like this was going on since I haven´t heard from her in a while. As I wrote earlier, she came over late at night on November 2 when her phone and wallet were stolen. Then nothing until 6 days ago when she messaged and asked a random question.
Anyway, going to the gym now. I just thought I was more detached than this. Didn´t think it would bother me this much...
Yeah that's what I've found throughout this process as well.. "I'm good. I'm totally detached and could careless what she does!" Then I hear some new truth (the latest being my S4 sleeping in bed with my W and her AP) and it just feels like a dagger straight through the heart.
Just have to keep climbing that mountain. We'll both be better with more time and perspective on our side. Just gotta keep on keeping on. I find it's tough for a few days to hear a new "truth" but ultimately helps me detach even further after about 3 days or so.
Thank you Newlife, I needed to hear that and it already feels better today. I´ve been feeling anger about this and still do. I paid for a new apartment for her on a completely different side of the area we live in so that we wouldn´t run into each other. That was our agreement. Then she decides to bring her new dude to a café 2 minutes walk from where I live.
Considering it was 11 am on a Sunday it sure wasn´t a blind date. It´s most likely someone she spent the night with. There are dozens of cafés near her new apartment. There´s absolutely no reason for her to go to this one.
But yeah, the upside is I think you are right. It will help me detach even more, knowing she has zero respect for me.
I´m so sorry you had to hear that about W! I just read your thread and that pisses me off! But glad to hear you are taking it the right way. You deserve better than this.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Hey Ben, sorry this incident got you down but every time something like this happens it just helps drive home that you took the right action with her. You're right, it clearly shows a lack of respect. It's almost like she wanted you to catch her since she was doing this out in the open in your own neighborhood.
It seems VERY suspicious that this was early on a Sunday near your home because A) like you said it sure seems like an overnighter must have happened beforehand and B) since she lives on the other side of town, this implies it was someone she was involved with before moving out. I think you know you deserve better than this and it sounds like you got right back to detachment so that's good!
I am considering emailing her to say that I got her the apartment so we wouldn´t run in to each other and that she should honor that agreement. Would that be bad?
I have a feeling this is the guy she had here at our place and if this is the case, he is married. But I´m not sure this is the case.
Also, I went to see my therapist just now. I had told W that if she wants to see one, she can go to see mine and I will pay for that(as you probably remember) but today I found out that she missed two appointments and cancelled them the same day which means I will get charged for those. After she missed the second one, she said she doesn´t have time to go to therapy at this time so she didn´t schedule a new appointment. I told the therapist that I won´t be paying for her anymore so if she calls again, please tell her that.
Clear to me that she is not dealing with her emotions, she is running away from them and seeing this guy instead.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
... Just a moment ago, I was walking to a café near me to get a double espresso as I often do. On my way I walked by a guy and a girl walking in to another café near me. I turned around and noticed it was my stbxw ...
Is she an officially an XW now? Or is that just how you mentally view her. Just curious because that's how I'm mentally referring to mine now.
Originally Posted by BenB
I am considering emailing her to say that I got her the apartment so we wouldn't run in to each other and that she should honor that agreement. Would that be bad? ...
Don't bother, it just shows that she got to you. Detach further.
Similarly, I ran into my WW and her OM at a club, and just said "hey", and continued to enjoy night after getting my emotions in check. Not going to let someone else impact my enjoyment of life.
Originally Posted by BenB
... Clear to me that she is not dealing with her emotions, she is running away from them and seeing this guy instead.
Sounds like my WW. Not surprised... I suggested that she go see an IC on her own, and she never bothered looking into it. They don't think there is anything wrong with them, or have any sense remorse yet to want to work on themselves / relationship.
Fine by me if she wants to continue her life like this. I hope she carries her baggage and issues into her next relationship.
We did not speak of our past relationships and I didn´t feel like bringing up my ex so I didn´t. She actually seemed to hint that she wasn´t looking for anything serious a few times throughout the night which suits me fine.