Relapse and Lost Progress Part II

[Thornton]

So sorry to hear of the latest developments, 44.

Again, your W has issues that have nothing to do with you. And until she is willing to admit she has issues and needs to work on them, and then actually does work on them in therapy etc, this is who she will be and what you can expect from her.

Detach, let her go, and keep working on yourself my friend. You have a bright future ahead of you.

[sandi2]

At the end she asked me if she could stay for the night and find a place tomorrow. I sat for a good while until I said okay.

She should have found a motel. You really can't give her an inch, b/c she will take a mile every time.

She also told me near the end, when it calmed down a bit, that she blew up at her boss and has been assigned anger management classes and is also seeking overall therapy on her own. She said she found out she can go off record (not sure how since I was told otherwise) and is going to start. She kept saying she is a piece of sh!t and just overall seemed so angry and full of self hatred.

Okay, in this one quote about what she's saying to you, can you see the point where she starts playing on your sympathy?

Anyway, I feel scared about all this but it doesn’t seem like I’m in danger of her not paying for the home.

Previously you have said the military will pretty much take care of you, so what exactly do you fear? I'm just asking, so that I can better understand the LBS's frame of mind.

This feels like a win. The problem is the inevitable reality she can’t afford it and she already asked if it was feasible for me to work part time.

She has torn the marriage apart, and has spent a lot of money, so she really can't tell you to get a part time job to help pay the bills.......which is WW talk that means you will be helping her. She has to clean up her side of the street. Don't fold under emotional pressure, b/c she's going to play on your heart. You are not required to come up with options for her, b/c she fired you. If she asks again about you working, I suggest you bluntly tell her, "NO". She will try to get you to feel sorry for her, and that's why she is talking about taking anger management, etc.

I am proud of you, 44. I know this has been very hard for you. I know it is not what you wanted. Keep your eyes wide open and don't trust anything she says.

[44tries2]

Thank you T and Sandi. It is extremely difficult, but I did what I had to do. It doesn't stop me from second guessing myself. What if I had just not asked who was on the phone? It just all feels inevitable.

As far as the military taking care of me, it is really just an obligation on W to take care of her dependents. I fear not receiving money from her to pay for anything, but I agree that at least a portion I can have garnished. It feels crazy it would even come to that and I guess that's why I fear it. Regardless, it doesn't change the fact that there is a huge financial concern. Mainly, I do not see how she will pay my tuition next semester, so if I did get a part time job, realistically it would be to pay for that. Maybe this makes it more acceptable for me to do, IDK. Ultimately it is my responsibility to make sure I get this degree and where I want to be as fast as possible.

I have not heard from her today. I am in a state of peace and shock, with a huge pool of emotions simmering just beneath.

[44tries2]

NC from W today. This would be the first day in a very, very long time. Perhaps over a year. I am good with it. I feel very calm that I am in my own home and taking care of my dogs and my own personal tasks. I have no idea where she is, but I suspect she is sleeping on her new BFFs couch. If she does get an apartment and needs furniture, she will face the reality of moving it out of this house. It all still feels so surreal. I made the mistake of reading the letter she wrote me a couple months ago. It’s unbelievable it could go from that to another A so quickly. I think back to her saying during BD that I was gone all summer and she “preferred it”. What a load of BS. I truly cannot believe she would do this again.

I am going full on GAL tonight. Out on the town with some new friends. Only thing I’m stressing about a little is money. She took my credit card that is on her account. I still have ways to use it via Apple Pay and such, but I do not know about it. I am hesitant to make any purchases on my own cards as I don’t even know if she will continue paying them. Majority of our cards are in my name and we use them for all purchases, plus the one in her name that she has now taken back the physical card. The last thing is her expensive plane ticket. Do I say anything about this? Is she seriously going to cash out her retirement so she can take this trip (she mentioned potentially needing to do it to pay for everything)? At this point, I could just not speak to her for another week and not even know whether or not she goes. But I do know she paid extra for insurance in case she wanted to cancel and get a refund.

[Thornton]

Honestly it’s probably better for you if there is NC, 44.

Get out and GAL like crazy!

[sandi2]

Only thing I’m stressing about a little is money. She took my credit card that is on her account. I still have ways to use it via Apple Pay and such, but I do not know about it. I am hesitant to make any purchases on my own cards as I don’t even know if she will continue paying them. Majority of our cards are in my name and we use them for all purchases, plus the one in her name that she has now taken back the physical card.

The way I see it is if she took your card to her account, then don't try to access that account to pay for a night of GAL. If it was used like a joint bank account, then apparently, she doesn't care if you have food or other necessities of life, since she took your card. If I had to guess about all those other accounts that are in your name, I'd guess she has no immediate intentions of paying them off. Plus, since she didn't give you her cards, there's a real good chance she could max out your accounts, for things like........an expensive plane ticket.

I'm going to say this again. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. This should be your number one priority. The minute she didn't give you her cards to your account, your alarms should have sounded. We tell people all the time to take measures in protecting CC charges, financial savings account, retirement, properties, etc., etc. She's way ahead of you, 44. Come Monday morning, you better get on it. Find out what you have.......what she's used.......where you stand with all your stuff.

The last thing is her expensive plane ticket. Do I say anything about this?

Whatcha gonna say? Listen 44, she looks at it as her money to spend anyway she wants. It makes no difference the terms the two of you might have had previously. She's in la-la land and will do anything to be with the OM.

Is she seriously going to cash out her retirement so she can take this trip (she mentioned potentially needing to do it to pay for everything)?

She is likely to do anything. If she's already mentioning her retirement, then don't be surprised. I know of a local WW who cashed out her retirement, gave up her professional career, and left her H and children to move to the other side of the country to live with a man she had never met face to face. So, do I think your WW would have any problem cashing out her retirement? No, I don't. It doesn't mean she will, but I think you are giving her too much credit to think logically......and/or do the honorably thing.

At this point, I could just not speak to her for another week and not even know whether or not she goes.

Huh?

But I do know she paid extra for insurance in case she wanted to cancel and get a refund.

Which means??????

[44tries2]

I should clarify, Sandi, that she did give me back the cards she had from my accounts. So it went both ways. We will see about her intent to pay them within the next few days as they are due. My guess is she won’t have enough to pay the whole balance, but she will pay what she can. I hear what you are saying and will protect myself. But I truly am not concerned about her maxing out my accounts for her plane tickets etc. She most definitely does not want me to know about them or have documentation of it, for one.

I hear you about it being pointless to confront her about the plane ticket and that’s why I have not done it. However, I think part of the reason she was so tight lipped about not admitting or discussing the A is because she does not know how much I know and is calling my bluff in a way. I won’t lie and say part of me doesn’t fantasize about telling her to have fun in xxx state and eliminate any possibility in her mind that I don’t really know anything. I realize this is classic LBS thoughts thinking we can ruin the trip by sending ice into their veins when in reality she probably does not care.

Yesterday she asked what time she could come by the house to grab some things when I would not be there. She then actually asked me if I had time to pack her stuff! I told her I do not and that was that. I went out GAL and wasn’t even thinking about her while she was there. I do still feel there is some testing, such as asking if I would help her pack. Or the fact she asked if I dug in the trash for her depressing note she told me she wrote while I was at the funeral. I had the thought that she told me that as some game so I would go looking and sure enough she asked if I did the night I kicked her out. She also said that night, that I do not know her. But the fact is I feel like I know her better than ever and can see exactly how she works.

[Augusto]

She also said that night, that I do not know her. But the fact is I feel like I know her better than ever and can see exactly how she works.

When I told my wife I love her, she said I don’t because I don’t know her anymore. Then last week, when she felt that everybody was painting her as the bad guy she told me “you know me” when trying to highlight our shared values.

You don’t know me, you know me. This thing has taught me logic and reason, which I value a lot, are completely alien to how somebody feels and acts due to their emotions.

[DaB35]

Just to echo what's been said here, it is hard to evaluate what the S is thinking when they contradict themselves and seemingly say one thing, forget it and say the opposite some time later. It is frustrating to the S on the receiving end (i.e. you, 44).

The best thing is to try to stop yourself over-thinking. It's impossible sometimes, but try to get used to immediately switching to doing a GAL activity, however small or insignificant, then you'll get used to it. You'll relax more and will be mentally prepared for situations like this and will be able to converse with your S in the right way. You know her, so you know how to speak to her.

[sandi2]

But I truly am not concerned about her maxing out my accounts for her plane tickets etc. She most definitely does not want me to know about them or have documentation of it, for one.

I simply used the plane ticket as an example. Some WW's will charge for groceries, clothes, gas, and other every day things, while they pay cash or use a secret CC or account to cover their affair expenses.......and/or other addictions. She plans to go to Vega$! You say you are not concerned, but I'm telling you that you should be concerned. LBH's get wiped out b/c they never believed their WW would be so ruthless.

Anyway, what I really want to caution you about is thinking you know her. Tell me why she most definitely does not want you to know about the tickets? Why would she care? I mean, you are separated now.........right? So, what can you do that would cause her fear of you finding out?

I won’t lie and say part of me doesn’t fantasize about telling her to have fun in xxx state and eliminate any possibility in her mind that I don’t really know anything.

Well, get yourself situated and financially protected........and you can tell her anything you want to say! It's not going to change her waywardness. It won't get you respect. This is what some LBH's don't get. They seem to have an incredible urge to tell their WW they know about the affair or whatever, b/c they don't want her thinking she's pulled the wool over his eyes. I get it. However, it does not earn any of her respect for him. If it makes the H feel better about himself, that's fine, but until he is financially protected, I recommend he holds his cards close to his chest.

Yesterday she asked what time she could come by the house to grab some things when I would not be there. She then actually asked me if I had time to pack her stuff!

See her sense of entitlement?

I do still feel there is some testing, such as asking if I would help her pack. Or the fact she asked if I dug in the trash for her depressing note she told me she wrote while I was at the funeral. I had the thought that she told me that as some game so I would go looking and sure enough she asked if I did the night I kicked her out.

You may be right, but I don't see it as testing. The packing her stuff was coming from a sense of entitlement. You have always been ready to accommodate her. This is how you believed a spouse shows love for the other one. But she abused it and now she acts like a spoiled bratty kid. The other part is not a test, in the way we warn LBS's about emotional temperature testing. However, I agree that she sees it as a game, and it is how she gets her kicks. She enjoys teasing or haunting you in a wicked sort of way. It's another example of her manipulative skills.

She also said that night, that I do not know her. But the fact is I feel like I know her better than ever and can see exactly how she works.

I don't want to give you the creeps, but..........I think she could be referring to her capabilities. By that, I mean that there is a side of her you've not fully seen in action. I hope I'm wrong. There have been other waywards to make similar remarks to the H.........like taking a jab at him.