jb, these things are tough on kids. And yes they can detect things going on. My daughter was 14, my W and I never said anything in front of her. But she could tell something was changing. She also had a lot of resentment towards me because for years I had isolated myself from her and my W, and now I was being present.
Hang in there. Just be the best husband and father you can be through this.
Bro hugs to you man!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've exhibited weakness and was going through my own depression and would have anxiety attacks. Crying and pleading for my wife to understand my perspective on things. Concerns about money always brought me to a low place and she saw it. Being selfish when my wife needed me most (Steve pointed this out to me). Would those be examples of beta behavior as well?
Yes, absolutely! All are excellent examples.
Quote
As far as Alpha behavior- any examples before I get the book? I'm thinking things like: keeping a calm and relaxed attitude, maintaining my confidence, being decisive, etc
One example from the book is when it comes to eating out, most couples get in this discussion: "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't know, what do you want?" "I'm not sure, what are you thinking?" VERY beta behavior. I used to do this with my W. Not anymore, now when I go out with my GF I say "let's go grab a bite, I'm in the mood for BBQ, was thinking Soulman's." That is alpha. Now alpha is not forcing what I want on her, it is just being decisive. My GF might say "I just had BBQ for lunch" and I will say "OK, let's hit Torchy's instead." So I'm still listening to her and adjusting if needed, but I'm not being wishy-washy. I think the book compares it to being a pilot and copilot. The pilot is steering and directing, but also respects the opinion and input of the copilot.
Another real-life example- my GF wanted to go shopping at Victoria's Secret. She had three bras pulled and couldn't decide, asked me what I thought. I told her I liked the bows and lace on one of them, and didn't like the color on another because it didn't go well with her skin tone. She continued asking my opinion on other stuff and I gave it. "No, I don't like that the panties don't match the bra on that one." "Oh yes, that would look very sexy on you, the color matches your eyes!" She was BLOWN AWAY. She told me later she had never met a man confident enough to even walk into VS with her, much less actually express his opinion and not just say "whatever you want dear." She said she thought it was incredibly sexy.
A lot of people think being an "alpha" in the relationship means being a pushy, opinionated, selfish jerk. It's not, it's more about being decisive, confident, sexy, and a little bit of a bad boy sometimes. Getting BD'd brings out the most beta behavior possible in most LBS's. A lot of what we discuss here, like saying "I don't want you to leave, I want you to stay and work on the M. But if leaving is what you want, I won't stand in your way" is alpha behavior. You're not trying to control her, you are letting her make her own decisions. You are stating what you want, but allowing her to choose.
Quote
If this family isn't what she wants, then whats the sense of trying to DB?
Well right now you don't know what she wants because she doesn't know. She may seem sure of herself but she's not. There's a lot of internal struggle going on. So you give her time and space while she sorts it out.
Quote
For the past 4 months he hasn't been experiencing that love between his mommy and daddy and I think he's starting to feel it. He seems more irritable and disrespectful. Just the other day, I picked him up from school and he immediately started to sob and he couldn't tell me why. He loves martial arts like me, but hasn't been wanting to train lately. One day when I was feeling really depressed, I cried uncontrollably and he seen me which made him cry as well. I felt horrible for that.
Get him in IC, he needs someone to help him learn to navigate this. And it needs to be a neutral 3rd party rather than you or your W. Talk to the school counselor about what is going on and see if he/she can talk to him and keep an eye on him for problems.
Quote
Do I tell my wife that our son has been having issues with her not being at home as much as before?
No, just tell her he seems to be struggling and that you think he needs to be in IC, and that you want to talk to the school counselor and ask if she wants to be part of that conversation. It is VERY important not to blame your W. Not to her, not to your son, not to the counselors. This is a difficult time for your S and he needs help, it's not the time to throw anyone under the bus.
Your typical "Bad boy" beats out the "Nice Guy" almost every time. He has many positive Alpha traits that the nice guy lacks. Many woman will put up with the negative trait because they are attracted to the positive traits.
If "nice guys" can drop their negative traits and incorporate the positive traits of the "Bad boy", then they become a very desirable Alpha.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
A lot of people think being an "alpha" in the relationship means being a pushy, opinionated, selfish jerk. It's not, it's more about being decisive, confident, sexy, and a little bit of a bad boy sometimes.
This is gold! Thanks AS
I'm definitely enjoying the book, it's making me look back at how I used to be. I definitely had more Alpha qualities in me. It's motivating actually. I can see myself getting back to that and am motivated!!
No, just tell her he seems to be struggling and that you think he needs to be in IC, and that you want to talk to the school counselor and ask if she wants to be part of that conversation. It is VERY important not to blame your W. Not to her, not to your son, not to the counselors. This is a difficult time for your S and he needs help, it's not the time to throw anyone under the bus.
Alright so my wife came home this morning at 5:00am after the show she did makeup for had a big halloween party. Through out the party she was texting me letting me know she's still at the party, she's having a good time etc. I was asleep so didn't get the texts until I woke up. She texted when she was on her way home, and that she stopped off for some fast food and she'll be home shortly etc. Basically giving me a quick play by play. I appreciated that she was concerned enough about my feelings that she did that. When she did come home, she was in a good mood and told me how much fun she had. I told her that I was happy she had a good time. Part of me genuinely feels like she's just trying to be happy, and im glad she is feeling this way. On the other hand 5am is pretty damn late to be coming home when you have a child and husband a home. Just to give you some context, she just started doing makeup for the Lady Gaga show here in town. with Lady Gaga being such a huge celebrity, I believe it when my wife says they were having a blast.
But was she giving me too much information in attempt to cover her tracks? I don't know. Did she really want to keep me in the loop, or was she hiding something? I don't know what to think.
Like Steve advised, I should probably assume she's having an affair. But is there ever a time that I really try to investigate and find out the truth? Am I doomed to just wonder about it? Do I not have a right to know if she is or isn't?
