Thanks to all for the sage advice and words of encouragement. I needed them! It helps validate that what I am going through is normal, and that other people truly understand. It helps, for sure.
H continues to have little hissy-fits and gives jabs almost regularly. But, things are still progressing. For example, today I asked him for his share of a few bills - cell phone, house appraisal, and a huge vet bill. He said he would be happy to pay for all except for the (huge) vet bill. He didn't see why he should since he "hasn't had access" to the cat for a year. I told him because it's the family pet, he states he cares for it still, we are still married, and it's the right thing to do. He ranted on about how I don't help him with medical bills, his car, etc. He also ranted (and has had several times before) how it isn't right that I "made a claim" on half of his inheritance. He loves to forget that we sat with attorney's about 9 years ago and they specifically told him it was inheritance and was he sure he wanted to put it in commingled money. He said yes, because I did so much for his parents (in truth, I did everything for his parents and willingly, because I loved them). Now I'm the bad guy "taking" the money. I ignored all of it. In the end, he said that "he's used to being fleeced . Fine you'll get your money deposited on Friday. Good enough for you?" I waited a while, and just responded "thanks".
Why do they waste so much energy on such silly accusations? It's almost funny.
Anyway, something I want to ask.
What do people do with all their old pictures, cards, love notes, etc. after D? I'm really going through closets, boxes, etc. and found so much of that kind of thing I've kept since we were married. Even found a small note that he sent with flowers 2 weeks after we met. *sigh* Made me a bit sad.
You are handling your situation beautifully. They love to spit and sputter about things all of the time....hoping that you will say forget it. Keep him on the hook for the things he should be responsible for. The amount of time that they sputter about things, they could have written the check on transferred the funds to an account.
I kept all of the old pictures, but tossed out the cards, love notes, etc. I also kept my wedding gown. It's hanging in a closet in the guest room. Some day, I'll donate it. If you aren't sure about what to keep or what to toss out, box it up and revisit the box after the holiday season. You may even want to ask him if he wants things (if you don't want them yourself).
Yes, going through things of the past, will make you sad...but you had the best part of your h for a long time and had many fun times together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Grace, I agree you should keep the mementos. If you're not sure, hang on to them a little longer. Just finding an "out of sight" location can be difficult, and I realize that.
I sent a few things to my parents house, and they are kind enough to hold on to them. My wedding album, my dress, a few photos. Smaller mementos are in a box that I have sealed, labeled, and set aside in a closet where they won't be damaged but I also don't have to see them. Do you have a dear friend or family member who would understand your need to not see them? The trouble then is liability - if anything happens to them while at another's home you can't really be angry.
TBH, I never offered my STBXW any of the mementos. She left without taking any or asking and so I consider myself the keeper of the good memories. I'm pretty angry at her currently for what she's done, but I insist on keeping the good memories from years ago. So I tie them up neatly, set them on a shelf, and refuse to have my current emotions tarnish them.
So the draft of the Marriage Settlement Agreement was sent to me today for review.
It's getting real.
And, I think I am o.k.
It's pretty straight forward, and outlines the items H and I discussed and (I think) agreed to. I glanced at it before going out tonight, but will give it a thorough read tomorrow. I'm hoping to have my attorney send it to H by tomorrow afternoon or Monday morning.
H sent a very random, odd e-mail yesterday. It said:
"Believe me, if I could undo all of this, I would. That's all I have to say." That was it.
Seems to me if he really wanted to undo it, he could take the steps to do so. He is just choosing not to.
Then today he sends a note that he doesn't feel he has to pay a bill I submitted to him.
He's all over the place. True MCL stuff, I guess.
It won't change the fact that he will soon have to deal with the reality we are divorcing.
My path it still straight. I'm mildly curious about what his path looks like.
Review the agreement well; it’s surprising how simple and straight forward an agreement it is to dissolve a marriage. A pretty obvious realization; one I, and probably most of us, never even thought of.
H’s email and his wishing he could undo all this, if he could. His emotional state at the time. And then off to a bill he feels he shouldn’t pay for. (BTW, noticed you “think” and he “feels”, just more proof of where he is, and where you are - Yay!)
You are right to follow his actions and not his words.
It’s normal to be curious, to wonder, just what our spouse’s path looks like. I’m sure you’ll see some of it, and the effects. Things are going to get very real for H. Running and growing up. It’s a sad state for a tormented soul.
He has to walk his path, and you have to walk your’s.
I believe you are doing a very fine job of things. No huge venting, or rage. A mostly indifferent detached compassion and empathy. How do you think, feel, and believe towards your forgiveness towards H in the midst of all this?
Keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
MY XH got a little crazy during the D and worse after D
I think besides the loss of property and money and attorney fees, It sets them in a spin their NEW reality is not so pretty and I think they see glimpses of the truth
their choices to let everything go the loss of the kids/family/friends/finances all for this fantasy life...that never seems to unfold as they planned
The reality of the OW, and how sick she really is and from my world Ive never seen my XH recover from his choices to this point I still have hope he may get himself together-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Review the agreement well; it’s surprising how simple and straight forward an agreement it is to dissolve a marriage. A pretty obvious realization; one I, and probably most of us, never even thought of.
My agreement, unfortunately, needs a lot of work. I think part of the problem is my H and I did all the negotiations, and I just informed the attorney (well, her legal assistant) as things were agreed to. It didn't translate well. But, I have a meeting 8 a.m. Monday morning to hopefully straighten it all out. But yes, the first thing I noticed was how succinct the end of my marriage was. 12 pages only, and a lot of that just legal mumbo jumbo. Oh well, I guess it's better than being so complicated I don't understand it!
Originally Posted by DnJ
I believe you are doing a very fine job of things. No huge venting, or rage. A mostly indifferent detached compassion and empathy. How do you think, feel, and believe towards your forgiveness towards H in the midst of all this?
I do feel very detached. I guess empathy is there, but not sure how much compassion there is. After all. This is the result of his decisions. Am I at full forgiveness yet? Not sure. I don't know exactly what that is suppose to be like. I told him months ago that I forgave him. But don't think I really did at the time. Maybe I'm almost there.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
MY XH got a little crazy during the D and worse after D
Thankfully, I haven't seen crazy. Lashing out a bit, sure. But not crazy. I'm a bit curious about what OW thinks about H and his moods. Perhaps she has enough of her own to not really notice. Oh well, that's their dance.
He deposited the agreed alimony today along with the money I asked for his share of the bills, including the vet. I hope that's a good sign that he is resolved to the agreement, and will continue to do so.
Am I at full forgiveness yet? Not sure. I don't know exactly what that is suppose to be like. I told him months ago that I forgave him. But don't think I really did at the time. Maybe I'm almost there.
A perfect answer.
I was in a similar position also. It’s strange that we don’t know what forgiveness is. What it feels like. What it is supposed to be like.
FWIW, forgiveness keeps growing. You live it.
Forgiveness is like a skill (kind of), it takes practice. You are there, and were there, it just gets better and stronger day by day. So when looking back it appears (to you) that you weren’t.
Grace you are doing very well, and that numb feeling does pass. We do stay detached; it’s just that something comes alive within us again. Keep feeding the better wolf.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So H met up with a couple we used to socialize with. He reached out to them. I still socialize with them, but he hasn't seen them in over a year. He said that if OW knew, she would go ballistic. Well well. Already lying and sneaking.
He apparently gave "permission" to my friend to share some general things with me about what they spoke about. When she shared with me, I could tell she was choosing her words carefully. Obviously a lot more was said. I didn’t ask, though. Apparently he is miserable (not surprised). She said very, very confused. Again, not surprised. He told them that he doesn’t really want a divorce, at least he didn’t think so, and that he is feeling pressured to do something he’s not sure he wants. That he thinks we could have had a good life together.
Huh? WTH. Not in the last almost 2 years has he said anything remotely like that to me. Why now? Why to them? To what end? There is also a story about why he ended up buying a place with OW. She didn't share it with me, obviously was asked not to. Well, whatever story it is, the bottom line is he took a pen and signed the papers. His choice. He did say to them that what he did to me was wrong. He should be saying this to ME. Not them. Irritates me a bit.
I may never get a sincere apology. I’ll have to accept that. Anyway, she said she told him over and over he needed counseling, desperately. Maybe this was divine intervention to start some process for H. Who knows?
It bothered me a lot over the weekend. Thinking about all the what ifs. Wondering if I should be filing for D.
But, I realize I still must. He hasn’t reached out to me at all, and in fact sent another snarky message to me today that he won’t be pushed, bulled, or rushed to review the Marriage Settlement Agreement. This was in response to my heads up to him it was coming, and to please review it in a timely manner.
So the process marches on. I hope he doesn’t stall. If he does, I may just file for divorce, have him served, then he will have only 20 days to respond.
As much as I don’t want to be divorced, I realize I must, and want to, stay the course.
I need to keep my resolve in what’s best for me and the kids. And one can continue to stand after a divorce if one chooses, can’t they?
Do I want to? That question doesn’t have to be answered today, or tomorrow, or next week.
Sad to say, but I think yours is a lot like mine. I think he met with the friend so that the message would get back to you that he is unhappy and having doubts (to keep you on the shelf of course). Then he worried he was too vulnerable/too exposed and was going to be rejected, so he snarked at you to push back and make himself feel more in control.
I wouldn't hold out any hope for a settlement agreement (I'm on 3 years waiting for mine). Mine agrees to things and then later claims he didn't. Won't meet when I say I want to get it done. Brings it up to me and still won't meet. If you want a divorce and are prepared to do all the work for it (and probably drag a reluctant body along), then go for it. Your kids are older so you don't have to deal with the custody side of it where things can get ugly. If not and if you are fine with things the way they are now, sit tight.
The cycles come and go. Both for them and for us. Until you are completely sure what you want, probably best to wait (unless the finances dictate moving now).
