Happy Monday! Not much to update... he came home Friday, we had a great weekend, no R talks, just a lot of fun with the kids. I'm having some trouble at work and he's been really helpful thinking through what is going on and strategies for dealing. He's being warm, friendly, nice, funny. The guy I fell in love with, but better because he's also now an amazing dad to our two daughters. I'm trying to sit in the moment and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future, not worry about what he's thinking or whether or not the AP is still in the picture... just enjoying my kids and being nice/friendly/fun/happy back to him.
The only thing I noticed that happened was someone was snapping a family photo of us and he put his arm around me just for a second then lifted off his hand-- almost like he did it automatically then remembered. I'd put my arm on his back when he touched me, and I just left it there for the pic. Feels SO weird and stupid to be dissecting an arm around my shoulder in a photo like we're in high school and this isn't my partner of the last 16 years.
If I didn't know what I know about how he's feeling towards me and the existence of the EA, whether it is still active or not-- everything would seem perfect in our R, except that we aren't physically intimate. All the fighting, resentment, anger, etc has disappeared and he is a way better dad and partner around the house than he was before. In fact, prior to 6 months ago when I finally understood and realized how important sex and physical intimacy is in a healthy R-- and how important it is/was especially to him as physical touch is his primary love language-- I would be happy as a clam right now since I didn't want sex anyway.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May22 Sounds like you are doing great at DB . Keeping being the most attractive version of yourself . You can see his confusion with the photo his natural response is to touch you but then he pulls away . My H did same things . Just pay no attention and keep smiling . You are doing great not pressuring when he was away .
Thanks Caligirl! I just need to work on being more patient. Today he was talking about purchasing an investment property (together) and inside I'm screaming ARE YOU KIDDING?? How are you talking about this right now? But I just listened and smiled and asked questions. It isn't going anywhere anyway, no need to turn it into an R talk. He did put back on his wedding ring again.
My biggest issue I think with DBing is that I have unfortunately made it crystal clear in past R conversations that I am not going anywhere and that I am a 110% believer in marriage and a two-parent household for kids, and he knows me well enough to know I would do anything for my children. I have made myself into the ultimate plan B that he knows will be just waiting around for him to decide he wants to work on our R. There is no way he is going to see me as mysterious or that there is any risk of losing me no matter what I do, unless he decides to take another step (like separation) and I can believably recalibrate. Hoping the 180s, GAL and PMA will do enough and that things don't need to get worse before they can get better.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
may, kids also deserve to grow up in a home where both parents are healthy and have a healthy MR. So holding on despite any poor behavior on his part is antithetical to wanting the best and doing anything for your children.
Yes a 2 parent household is ideal. But not a broken 2 parent household. That is setting your kids up for problems in their own relationships, marriages, and adult home lives.
Kids would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home.
Admittedly I am not caught up on your sitch but I wanted to provide that perspective. I guess the what I am trying to say is don't use a 2 parent home for you kids as an excuse to let him get away with anything he wants.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Admittedly I am not caught up on your sitch but I wanted to provide that perspective. I guess the what I am trying to say is don't use a 2 parent home for you kids as an excuse to let him get away with anything he wants.
Thanks so much... yes, I 100% agree. Where we are right now as of our last R talk a couple of weeks ago (which I should have avoided but oh well) is that he loves me but is not IN love with me; he's not sure he can ever have a passionate/intimate R with me again or that I could forgive him for his EA.
My stance has been that I want us to try to build a new R and reestablish that passionate connection-- we both deserve it-- and if we can't then let's reassess but not walk away until we both know we've tried everything. He doesn't think that intimacy can come back, so he feels his choice is between D and a friendly but passionless M. I guess what I meant by the statement about holding on is that his impression is that I'd stay around no matter what (even though I have said that I believe I deserve a H who is IN love with me) and so he is secure in the fact that I'm plan B, no matter how much I GAL and try to act mysterious. (I am SO not mysterious anyway.)
It has sounded like his AP (who lives 5,000 miles away) gave him an ultimatum 3 months ago or so (a few weeks before he told me about her) and he hasn't had a ton of contact with her since but when he has it sounds like she's giving him static about not moving out, or whatever. He has this fantasy D idea where we'd be best friends and do everything exactly like we do now but after the kids go to bed he would go to his own place presumably with the AP. And the AP and I would be friends.
However, right now for our kids our R has never been better. Sleeping in the same bed, no fighting, nice happy family. Just no sex and the fact that I know he is emotionally connected elsewhere and feels incredibly guilty about it-- and I'm obviously dealing with all of that too. How much the kids (7 & 9) are picking up on all of that? I don't know, but honestly I don't think very much if at all.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I wouldn’t worry too much about your crystal clear intentions . H said to me I know you aren’t going anywhere a few times . I will say once I started to GAL I don’t think he was worried I was out looking to date or find someone but the doubt of what if by chance someone came in and swept me off my feet .
I think you are doing really good with taking the pressure off him . The calmness and noticing the anger is gone is proof . The AP apply all the pressure . It will only make it weaker .
Thanks Caligirl-- that is really helpful. Nothing much to report... he brought up the investment property idea again, I sounded interested but didn't really say anything. Last night after I got home from a dinner we chatted in bed for over an hour about work stuff for both of us.
Two nights ago he tried to pick a fight with me by not being helpful in getting the kids to bed-- I asked him a couple times to turn off the TV and get the kids in bed, he said "OK!" and then did NOTHING. I felt like he was almost purposefully not moving to see what I'd do. Finally I went over, yelled at all three of them, he turned off the TV and the kids ran to bed. He helped put them down and then said "are you mad at me?" I said "no" because actually I honestly wasn't (weirdly--six months ago I would have been coldly furious for the rest of the night). He was like "do you just not get mad at me any more? Why?" I said (totally honestly) "I don't know. It's like I don't really expect much." (which maybe I shouldn't have said but was the truth.) And he was quiet for a second and then said "I really appreciate you supporting me in doing this thing this week" (which involves him getting up at 4 am every morning, the implication being that he's been really tired in the evenings (true) and that was why he didn't help). I validated about his tiredness, said "you're welcome" and we went on with our evening. Weird. Did this dip too close to an R talk?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
He may be testing you to see if you will take the bait . Though if he’s getting up earlier he may really just be tired too .H did that a lot . I think you did good . Don’t over think . He is starting to notice some of your improvements and so are you .
Couple things happened this weekend... yesterday we did the whole family thing, soccer games, swim meet, then on the spur of the moment decided to get tickets to the University football game. A couple of times during the day he acted like a total jerk, yelling at me when he spilled snacks (because I had left them in a place that would be easy to spill) and then we left the game with 6 minutes left in the 4th quarter, our team down by 14 pts, other team has the ball, our kids are more than an hour past their bedtimes. We listened to the game on the way home and our team comes back, ties, then loses to a FG at the very end. He yelled at me for leaving (admittedly my idea but he was totally fine with it), calls me an a**hole, the entire reason we went to the game was to experience the end, etc etc, all my fault that we left, he didn't want to but I forced it (bull), etc. I finally told him to cut it out and stop acting like an a**hole.
A little later he comes up to me, doesn't actually apologize but says he was frustrated and knows it was both our decisions to leave. I say I get it but I don't deserve to be treated like this. He apologizes and walks away.
I decided to let it go, take his apology on face value, and hang out with him for awhile. He had also had a stressful encounter with a friend reffing one of our daughters' soccer games in the morning (friend called him an a**hole, popular word yesterday) and he was really upset about it. I am pretty sure that is part of the reason that he was in a bad mood, he just took it out on me. Anyway, he talks for awhile about how he feels about this friend and I listen/validate and stay on his side.
I went to bed earlier than he did and around 3 am woke up to him hugging me. He then snuggles up right next to me, touching (we usually stay on our own sides of the bed, no touching except accidental). We end up starting to have sex, stopping because it is about to only last 30 seconds again, then he starts saying he's not comfortable with this, he's letting his d*** think for him and doesn't know if this is what he wants. He knows it is confusing for me but doesn't feel like he has been "invited" back into our bed, he just came back after his trip and we haven't talked about it. (True.) I asked if he wanted an explicit invitation and he said no, he's been back in the bed for a month... he is just confused and repeated he doesn't know what he wants, we haven't dealt with the issues between us, sex isn't going to fix anything, even though it was part of the problem. I agreed (was desperately trying to avoid an R talk so mostly just listened and asked a few clarifying questions). He said it seemed like we were getting along better, excepting today, but we hadn't talked about anything (meaning our R) for a month or so (been less than that but whatevs). I asked if he wanted to talk to an MC and he repeated he didn't know what he wanted. I said I didn't think sex would fix anything either and that I thought to deal with our issues we needed to see an experienced MC and both want to work on our M. We ended up talking a little bit about Esther Perel and then he went to sleep (I, of course, couldn't sleep and now am a walking zombie).
So... kind of an R talk? I didn't say anything about what I wanted or felt, except to clarify about not sweeping everything under the rug. He didn't say anything about AP and I didn't ask; he also is now back to "I don't know what I want" rather than "I am thinking I want to move out" which is what he said last time we talked. I think I did a good job in mostly listening and didn't try to convince him of anything. The truth is also that I'm starting to get angry with him-- angry for both what he did but also for what he ISN'T doing-- that he isn't prepared to work on our M and even try to fall back in love with me. I don't deserve to be his punching bag when he's upset about other things (though again, he is much improved here than before), which is part of why I'm angry today, but I'm also just frustrated and annoyed that he's still in this "I don't know what I want" and can't even bring himself to TRY.
What should I have done differently? I could have pretended to be asleep after he hugged me in the middle of the night.. I did reciprocate and am responsible for moving it into sex. We also didn't finish, partially because I didn't feel like another slam/bam/thank you maam that was totally focused on him-- I think I could be able to have sex without it affecting me too much emotionally, but I would want it to be for me too, not just for him and I don't think that is where it was going. If that is all it is going to be, I don't see the point either.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Good you didn’t bring up AP. He’s confused don’t add more to the confusion . Let him deal with that alone .
Sex seems to be a source of pressure for him . If he cuddles don’t be the one to turn to sex . Just cuddle . If he moves on to sex if you are going to be emotionally ok with it give it a whirl . If this is one of the main sources of conflict like you said in first post it’s going to take some time before he’s comfortable again . Sex is a hard one some say to do it some say not to . I chose to keep having sex but this was a strong point in my M and I couldn’t pin down an active affair .
I think your DB is helping . Look at his actions . He came back into mbr . He’s hasn’t moved forward with moving out . Apologized for being out of line .
It’s hard when you want them to show just some type of commitment. Marathon not a sprint . GAL more this week . Increase your happiness . You had a little bump with sex put it away and move forward .
