Believe me I get it. I took a big step forward for me last night but it resulted in a big step backward for my R so just a hug would go a long way for me now. Appreciate and hold on to that hug. Use it as a means to keep yourself positive in those potential spiraling moments that usually lead to seeds of doubt.
Example- I used to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity on Saturday mornings.
Funny you mentioned Habitat for Humanity. I was looking for ways to GAL and have some experience with construction work. I'm going to look into volunteering for HFH to keep busy!
I definitely recommend it, they have something for anyone to do regardless of skill level but if you have construction background then so much the better. There is a misconception that we build "free" houses for undeserving people, but in fact the people buy the houses, they don't get them for nothing. They have to go through a lengthy prequalification process. They have to be employed, but make under a certain income level. They aren't deadbeats, they are people who are genuinely trying to make a life for themselves but struggle with low income jobs and kids to feed. In addition, they have to work on the house themselves, HFH calls it "sweat equity". They have to put in a minimum number of volunteer hours on their house and others in order to qualify to complete the transaction.
You'll make a lot of new friends too. It's a fantastic GAL opportunity.
So I was thinking about the last conversation me and the W had about our R where I messed up and said,"Well I can't keep living in limbo so we should just get a D!"
My W replied with,"I'm not even thinking about that right now! I'm working on my career!!" Which is true, she's in the beauty industry and landed a gig with very high profile celebrity.
What should I make of that statement? Should I put any stock into what she said that she's not thinking about divorce? Is that a good thing despite her losing attraction and saying she doesn't want to be in this relationship a few weeks back? Or is it that she's figuring in order to further her career she needs stability at home? And then get the D afterwards? Am I reading too much into what she said?
We often say that if you can remove all pressure, that often the D will go on hold indefinitely. WAS's usually only push for D when they feel pressured. So she's probably being honest that it's not on her radar. As for what to read into it, it doesn't mean she's having second thoughts about the M yet. You may be right that it's just cake-eating- she wants some stability while pursuing her career. All it means is you have the gift of time, use it wisely!
Oh yeah, So as my wife came home from buying groceries last night, she opened her arms for another hug! It was right after she hugged my son, so maybe it was just a,"Oh yeah you get a hug too." kind of thing, but it was definitely nice.
I tried the touch charge too. As she was washing dishes I asked her if she could wash my plate and then touched the small of her back while I put my dish in the sink. There wasn't really a noticeable reaction, but at least she didn't recoil in disgust.
Another thing...while I was sleeping, I noticed my wife hop into bed. I felt her push the top of her hands to my arm and she left them there for a while. Not sure what to make of that. I was ever so slightly trying to move towards her so maybe she would grab me or something but it never came. Once I realized what I was doing (felt like i was pursuing while I was half asleep lol) I quickly turned around and moved further away.
Noticing all these micro-interactions is weird man!!
I tried the touch charge too. As she was washing dishes I asked her if she could wash my plate and then touched the small of her back while I put my dish in the sink. There wasn't really a noticeable reaction, but at least she didn't recoil in disgust.
That sounds promising. Don't read too much into it, but try two/three times tonight.
Do some research on safe places to touch her. The shoulder should be your main target right now.
Do you know her main love language?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
When I started touch charges my W had no reaction. Overtime, a strange thing happen. She started to reciprocate. She'd walk by and put her hand on my thigh, or shoulder. Just keep doing them. Touch is a powerful powerful thing. As long as she is not recoiling, it is having a positive effect.
Just continue to keep it subtle, casual, and non-sexual.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A while ago we listened to the book on road trip together and pretty much determined that her love languages are between Acts of Service and Gifts. Over the course of our marriage, she complained that i'm not "sweet" enough a lot. Hardly any surprises, buying gifts for her was few and far between. I guess my family didn't show our love that way, but hers did (both of us are from strong, loving families). Her dad was and is very loving and buys her gifts still to this day. Sometimes I feel like she compares me to her dad and my lack of "sweetness". Again, mistakes that I've beat myself up over (but am trying not to now).
With that said, I'm confused about doing things and buying her things to make up for it. Since I know that that's one thing she was longing for from me. She even said that thats one of the main reasons why she's not attracted to me anymore. If knowing that that's what she wanted from me, is pulling away and not doing anything for her now counterproductive?
Despite our 2 hugs yesterday, I refrained from showing her affection today. Was that a mistake or should I have gone in for an embrace before leaving for work? I'm always thinking,"Pull away man, just pull away!"
