Steve85, I have had thoughts of me not deserving my wife. She is a wonderful woman and always put me and the kids first. She called me self-centered in one of our arguments and I agree with her now. But you're 100% right man. I can't beat myself up over the past mistakes that I have made- that does nothing and is not productive unless I learn from them and apply what I have learned. Thank you
Well like Steve said, take what she says with a grain of salt right now. It is healthy in a marriage to have some degree of detachment and to do things for yourself and allow your spouse to do the same. That is all fine and dandy until your W decides she doesn't want to be married anymore, and then suddenly you were "self-centered" and a thousand other normal things you did are now wrong. Example- I used to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity on Saturday mornings. My XW liked to sleep in and so did the kids, but by 8:00 I was building houses for the needy. We usually knocked off around 1 and often I would get home just as everyone else was waking up for the day. So after BD what do you think my XW said about that, that I was "selfish and just did what I wanted to do like that Habitat thing". In my foggy post-BD state I actually believed that and some of the other crap she said. Later I remembered we had actually had a conversation about it and I told her I felt God had blessed me and volunteering was my way of paying it forward. Not exactly the sort of thing a selfish person would say. And she had told me back then that she thought that was really good of me, and she even baked cookies and brought them out to the whole group once. WAS's have a way of making us second-guess everything about ourselves, even the good, healthy things. Now I'm not saying to ignore all her comments, we all could have done better and you should do 180's on any bad behaviors you had. But don't believe EVERYTHING she says.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
My name is "Overtherainbow" but was abbreviated when I signed up. I believe that saving my marriage was possible only somewhere over the rainbow.
Oh really, I don't think I knew that! Not sure what KB's means but being in Texas where a lot of Spanish is spoken I see k-bueno-b (bueno = good)
On the topic of detachment, over the past 3 days I've been able to detach and feel empowered by it. I'm much more relaxed and confident. Just a week before the keystone moment that I had (where I was REALLY able to detach), I couldn't eat or sleep. A deep depression set in, I lost 5 pounds, was running on fumes and I was really scared that I was spiraling into a hole that I couldn't get out of. Then the awakening happened. I'm able to take my W out of my focus. I don't think about what she's doing every moment. Been doing my own thing while at home after we put our son to sleep. I haven't been following my W around like a puppy waiting for affection. I don't expect anything from her, no hugs or kisses and I don't give them either. I've been A LOT more cheerful, cracking jokes and laughing like my old self. During the day, I don't text or call her. If we do text, it's mostly about our son and I just give clear, concise replies.
And then...
This morning before my wife left for work I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave as well. I was grabbing a dish and I felt her waiting behind me. Then she asked,"Hey, do you mind giving me a hug?" I said, "Yeah, come here, I'll give you a hug." Then we embraced for a good while and said our pleasantries as she left. I KNOW that doesn't sound like much, but after weeks of her not wanting to touch me, that was definitely a milestone for me.
I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, but I am seeing the power of my new found strength and confidence. I'm just going to keep doing what im doing. Focus on me and my son instead of my W.
It’s really unbelievable how similar our sitch’s are as well as the timing of them. I went a little over a week sleeping about 3-4 hours a night and eating every 24-30 hours before my awakening. Hearing your W wanted a hug is amazing! It gives me hope. No physical contact for 2 weeks is tough to deal with. It sounds like you’re on the right path!
This morning before my wife left for work I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave as well. I was grabbing a dish and I felt her waiting behind me. Then she asked,"Hey, do you mind giving me a hug?" I said, "Yeah, come here, I'll give you a hug." Then we embraced for a good while and said our pleasantries as she left. I KNOW that doesn't sound like much, but after weeks of her not wanting to touch me, that was definitely a milestone for me.
Perfect.
Steve85 talks about touch charges. You might want to test the waters. Maybe one tonight. If it goes well, maybe two tomorrow. It is briefly touching in none sexual ways while doing something else.
Example:
Wife is in kitchen cooking. I walk up next to her, touch her on the shoulder, and reach into the cabinet to get a glass. then I break contact with her and fill the glass with water and take a drink.
I do this with my lady all the time. 20 times a night. I do escalate to more sexual in nature. We are in a good place though. Mine include kisses, shoulder rubs etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C, has a good idea here. But be careful with it. It needs to be subtle. And you need to make sure to observe her reaction. If you touch her shoulder and she recoils in disgust....then tablet the touch charges for now. If she receives it well, then maybe as you walk by her as she is sitting on the couch tomorrow, reach down and caress her shoulder for a second or two as you go by.
I used touch charges to great effect in my sitch. The key is subtle...and non-sexual (do not pat or grab her butt).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Example- I used to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity on Saturday mornings.
Funny you mentioned Habitat for Humanity. I was looking for ways to GAL and have some experience with construction work. I'm going to look into volunteering for HFH to keep busy!
R2C and Steve85 Oh, good one. I'm going to try and see her reaction. Sometimes, say she's passing me the TV remote, I'll try to sneak a touch on her hand...does that count or should it be a tad bit more obvious than that? Like the hand on shoulder example you guys gave?
R2C and Steve85 Oh, good one. I'm going to try and see her reaction. Sometimes, say she's passing me the TV remote, I'll try to sneak a touch on her hand...does that count or should it be a tad bit more obvious than that? Like the hand on shoulder example you guys gave?
Intentional, natural and obvious.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes, I just have to keep doing what i'm doing, observe any changes and adjust fire when needed. It did feel good to hug her. Funny how we take little things like hugs for granted.
