You'll have a momentary lapse in reason of course but you'll come to your senses in a few hours. It's not that you won't want HER back it's that now you'll hold yourself to a higher standard.
I would have agreed with you 2 months ago but since then she emotionally and mentally abused D13 to the point D13 has thought about suicide. I find it interesting how much I was willing to put up with especially after her first affair. Even after the second BD I was most likely willing to put up with a lot. When she hurt D13 it ended completely. I will definitely let go of the anger and hurt caused by the affairs and walking away, but it is going to take a lot to let go of the pain she is putting D13 through.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Dad lectured me about not getting fat. Mom had me treated for anorexia. I became a gym rat and I ate my feelings. I stayed thin for decades. I then had a mental breakdown, stopped exercising and gave in to the binging. I gained 45 pounds before learning to starve myself in between binges.
Then came the BD and I couldn't keep food down. I felt in control as I watched the pounds just melt off. Everyone around me was concerned (I looked sick) so I started eating again (some). I nibbled on food and slowly got better.
It's been 7 months, I'm not dieting, not exercising, have no idea how much I weigh and I'm thin. If you've ever read any of Geneen Roths books this is how I (accidentally) did it. I'm FREE.
Side note - want to cry. S19 is working and D17 just left to go over to WAHs house to help decorate for D14's birthday party. Later D17 is spending the night with a friend. D17 showed me a video of one of our cats who is sick and in the background I could see WAH's living room. It's our old living room and this is stupid because he got half of it and I got the other. I got the new couches (he has the old ones) and he got the coffee tables.
As I type this out I'm calming down. These things trigger a feeling that I've lost everything which isn't true. I have 2 of my kids full time, I have a cute house, and unlike WAH I don't have to work 80 hours a week. So while he is working today I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing.
So while he is working today I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing.
Do you ever hope you reach the point where this sentence just says "I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing and that is ok by me." You would't be thinking of WAH or worried about life but just sitting there and being "ok".
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Ok back to talking about change. I've been studying psychology as a hobby for 20 years. I have enough knowledge to BE a therapist I just couldn't apply it to my own life until I got my mental illness symptoms under control (I do now).
I don't believe in willpower. I look back at my grandparents who never measured their food, read a self help book and their therapy came from church on Sundays. GAL came naturally to them.
When did GAL become so hard (for me)? My theory is I can GAL via willpower but it won't be real, won't be authentic until I solve the wound that led me here. I'd be willing to bet a whole lot of money that I'm avoiding my feelings.....STILL. I've made some authentic changes since the BD but are they enough to make him want to come home? Absolutely not.
Do you ever hope you reach the point where this sentence just says "I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing and that is ok by me." You would't be thinking of WAH or worried about life but just sitting there and being "ok".
I read everything I can get my hands on and there are experts out there who have studied breakups/divorce extensively. I know I will reach that point and figure I'm about halfway there which is about right. Half of the time I can sit here and not think about him. The timeline is around 12-14 months or so depending on how hard I work to move on.
I'm 7 months out of a 30 year relationship, grateful I have my kids, a family to care for. I'm doing great all things considering. If I'm doing this well then I wonder where I will be in another 7 months.
I don't believe in willpower. My theory is I can GAL via willpower but it won't be real, won't be authentic until I solve the wound that led me here. I'd be willing to bet a whole lot of money that I'm avoiding my feelings.....STILL.
Hi Kas,
The willpower--e.g., the strong impetus to change--only has to get you far enough to build a habit. I'm not succeeding at GAL now, but when I have, it felt like I was faking it for a short time and then it became real. I mean to say you can pursue GAL at the same time you're working out your feelings--it doesn't have to be one then the other. Anyway, time to begin ordering Halloween costumes, organizing and decorating my place, etc. to be that amazing holiday parent my kids knew me to be in the past before I got SO focused on this relationship. Hope you have a great day, too with the kids in your home. ((Hugs))
The willpower--e.g., the strong impetus to change--only has to get you far enough to build a habit. I'm not succeeding at GAL now, but when I have, it felt like I was faking it for a short time and then it became real. I mean to say you can pursue GAL at the same time you're working out your feelings--it doesn't have to be one then the other
I'm pondering this.
On men and my weight I had to stop long enough to find freedom. 4 months. Been trying to beat these two demons my adult life and I kick them in 4 months? Seriously??? lol I have read that being a LBS can be a catalyst to lighting fast change if you embrace this as an opportunity. Some LBS have done in months what other people took years to accomplish. GAL is deciding what I want right? Then committing to it until change happens?
My house has ants. Yesterday I did nothing (I regret this today) and S19 (who worked late last night) fusses at me today that I need to stay on top of the dishes. One day of neglecting the kitchen and I have ants.
Yesterday I thought I'm okay being a complete and total slob/couch potato. It's just ONE day right? Shhhhh don't tell WAH but then S19 brings me down to reality. He's watches everything I do and calls me on it. He's aspergers so he calls it like he sees it. Too negative? Laundry piling up? Didn't buy groceries? Ate out when I can't afford it? He calmly points out my shortcomings and rest assured WAH will know. He's not a harsh critic but thinks I should be on top of basic chores. He's right. Sigh.
I continue to read about change and motivation. My mistake is all too often I’m changing for someone or something else. I’m changing based on an outward motivator which isn’t long lasting. I need to decide who I want to be, who I used to be, who I am now. Do I want to be someone who is on top of things or not? I don’t even know isn’t that crazy? What I know for sure is that tonight I am ok.
