Still married couple from Scandinavia

[AnotherStander]

And I thought of the worst possible scenario which would be I get a call from her, crying and saying she has nowhere to go on that day and what I would do in that case.

I completely understand, that's basically exactly what happened with my GF! Granted she wasn't my ex at the time, we were already dating. But I don't think either of us wanted her moving in with me that soon. Anyway I know what you mean, I would feel obligated to help in that position as well, even if it wasn't necessarily the "best" thing to do.

But a scenario like that won´t happen. She wouldn´t wait until Feb 29 to tell me that, she knows of the chances that I would say no and wouldn´t risk being homeless. So most likely, if she´ll ask, she would ask in December or beginning of January and then I don´t have a problem telling her that this is her problem since she still has time to ask someone else for help. So I´m sure she´ll find some solution.

Good, sounds like there's nothing to worry about then.

I have been 100% dark so yeah, I think she must miss me a little bit at least. And the pug. And for a long time after she moved out, she would text me about random things constantly. Seems like she was trying to make up reasons to be in touch. At one point when she asked for a restaurant recommendation I told her to stop writing to me unless it´s important.

I remember that. I think all of that is her way of trying to keep you on the hook as Plan B. I also think she doesn't even know what Plan A is, she's just waiting around for it to land in her lap.

Interesting to think about what makes a person in her state of mind hit rock bottom. She has nothing from her old life left.

I think what will happen is you will detach and quit missing her and either start dating someone else or be content not to date, and THEN she'll decide she might want to recon. There's no telling though.

I was drinking 2-3 gallons of water and then on Sunday, the day before the shoot I could only drink 5dl(2 cups) of water the entire day. I do that to get the lean look for the photos. So after almost zero carbs the entire week I was supposed to carb load on Sunday but I misunderstood the instructions. I thought they meant that you were supposed to eat 800 grams of carbs that day but when I looked closer, he meant you should eat carbs and see how you look throughout the day, if you start looking bloated you stop immediately. He just meant he eats 800 grams but the guy is twice my size. So the next day I was bloated for the photo shoot.

That's really fascinating stuff! I've never contest prepped. I wish I could contact you privately to learn more about this, my girlfriend does modeling shoots and wants to do one with me but I would want to be super ripped first, LOL!

He took pictures as I was getting dressed and my muscles looked like they were popping out because of how I hold my arms when I put on a shirt for example. As I was there, I noticed he had pictures of several famous Scandinavian actors so I realized he is the real deal. Taking pics of action stars certainly had given him the experience to make mine look as cool as possible

Not sure what to do with the photos though. I have still only seen a few, he is editing many of them and will send them to me within a week.

That's really awesome! I love it! Hard to top that for GAL As for what to do with them, why not post some on FB? You worked hard to look that good, you should be proud of it!

[BenB]

Thanks AS,

Thing is that I haven´t thought about her much at all. Her moving out is the best thing that could have happened for my mental health. But it feels like cheating in a way. I´m making it very easy for myself. Detaching that used to feel so hard seems like a piece of cake when I don´t see her.

Now, if I was to run in to her with another man at this point, that would be horrible for me and I would probably be very affected by it. But I live in a big city so fortunately it´s not that likely.

Thanks, yeah I don´t understand why the direct messages don´t work here. Most forums have that function. I´m going to step it up a notch now and work out even harder. Trying to build more muscles for next year so that seems like a good goal to have.

I deactivated my FB account when things ended with W. We have too many mutual friends and I felt I needed a break from it. I unfriended her first so she doesn´t pop up when I activate it again whenever that will be. But I still have Instagram where I blocked her. So maybe there

[AnotherStander]

Her moving out is the best thing that could have happened for my mental health. But it feels like cheating in a way.

Yeah I hear you, you go from mourning the loss of your W to suddenly feeling pretty good about yourself and life, and there's actually some guilt attached to that! I think it comes from the sense of loyalty you had for that person for so long. When I started dating again I felt like I was the one cheating, even after we were divorced. It's hard to turn off that loyalty!

I´m going to step it up a notch now and work out even harder. Trying to build more muscles for next year so that seems like a good goal to have.

Great goal! I've been doing bulk/ cut cycles for years but man, at my age the cutting keeps getting harder!! If I do another bulk cycle I'm going to do some more research on clean bulking, I tend to get a little sloppy with my eating.

I deactivated my FB account when things ended with W. We have too many mutual friends and I felt I needed a break from it. I unfriended her first so she doesn´t pop up when I activate it again whenever that will be. But I still have Instagram where I blocked her. So maybe there

Yeah, great idea! I like IG more than FB anyway. Check out #hotrodmonsters on there, there's a cool guy that makes little ceramic car sculptures that posts under that hashtag. Just sayin'

[BenB]

Journal -

Almost 10 months now without sex. I find myself thinking about it more lately.

The 6 months waiting period before I can finalize the divorce ends April 10. A week or so before I will have to send them a written confirmation that I wish to proceed. Again, this waiting period is because w refused to agree to the divorce.

I don't think I want to wait until we are legally married before seeing someone else. We would be divorced if she had just signed the papers.

Any thoughts on when it's ok to start dating again?

Haven't heard from stbxw almost two weeks now since denied her coming over. The exception being me emailing her when rent was late. She apologized, said she forgot and wired immediately. No communication since then.

[Traveler]

Ben, I think you're handling this fantastically.

IMHO you've separated, filed for divorce, and cut contact--there's nothing ethically wrong with dating anytime. I would be honest about how long you've been separated and that your divorce is in progress. I had sex quickly upon splitting and the first wasn't great sex but it was therapeutic. I began seriously dating after 3 months, and I'd say I got really successful after 6 months with dating, love, and sex--had three women fighting over me! After a short spell, it was so easy and effortless compared to my ex-wife. Dates were impressed I wrote full sentences, dressed nicely, brought them flowers, and went for the kiss.

[unchien]

Re: dating - I second CW about being fully transparent about your divorce status, if you choose to go that route.

Also, something I am very cautious about is that I would not want to dive right into a new relationship and repeat the same mistakes I made before.

[BenB]

Thanks CW and U,

I've downloaded a few different dating apps now and by the looks of it, I have a great advantage because of my latest photo shoot. Most profiles I see have blurry photos in low quality. But perhaps men try harder than women since they sort of have to.

Thing is I don't think I've ever really been on a date. I met my w through her sister who was my close friend and the same with the previous relationship. So I'm not as confident about dating as I am in other aspects of life. I am good friends, however, with some of the world most famous pick up artists so I think I'll start with going out with them next time they're in town or even travel to see them.

I will absolutely be honest about my status although maybe not write that on the profile. And will most certainly not jump in to a new relationship. That would be a disaster at this point!

Feeling a little nervous but also excited to be honest. I'll update soon and let you know how it's going.

[BenB]

Just moments after I wrote this last post I get a text from w -


W: Hi, just checking, are u ok? Had horrible dreams, just need assurance

I didn't respond for about an hour as I was working out

Me: I'm fine, thank you. All good

W: Ok, good to hear

Funny I haven't heard from her at all and the moment I downloaded the dating apps I get that text. So either she senses me moving on or she's found this page and knows what I'm writing here.

[AnotherStander]

Ben, my attitude about dating is similar to what CW posted. If you feel you're ready then go for it. There are others here who have religious and/or personal views that it's wrong unless you are divorced, and I respect their opinions. But in the end it's your life and your choice.

I started dating well after S but before D. I think it was about a year after S. I had been with my XW for almost 25 years, so it was a big struggle for me. I really wrestled with the feeling that I was the one cheating on her (ironically enough), just because I had programmed myself over the years to be devoted only to her. I even struggled with ED during that time. My emotions were all over the place. But after a while I adjusted to the "new normal" of it all.

I've downloaded a few different dating apps now and by the looks of it, I have a great advantage because of my latest photo shoot. Most profiles I see have blurry photos in low quality. But perhaps men try harder than women since they sort of have to.

Yes indeed you have a big advantage not only because you have excellent, professional photos, but because they are you and they are current! One complaint I heard over and over again was that men frequently use photos of themselves that are quite out of date, taken before they gained 40 pounds and turned grey or lost their hair! I also heard about a lot of men who used photos that weren't even them. They just show up to these dates with no explanation of why they look old and fat instead of like the supermodel in their profile! Anyway what I often heard from women is they just wanted honesty. They didn't care if someone was carrying a few extra pounds or grey or whatever, it was that when you lie in your profile then that makes them wonder how they can trust anything else about you. So just being truthful and honest and using professional photos is going to move you to the top of the list.

Also, especially here in America, men treat women poorly. I could not believe the stories I heard about men expecting the woman to pay for a first date, or asking them to split the bill. Are you kidding me? Or they show up in shorts and a t-shirt and are impolite as if they don't know how to behave on a date. I got so many compliments for simply holding a door open for a date, or pulling their chair out, or helping them with their coat. That's all just normal stuff for me but to them it was unexpected. So dress nice, listen to them talk, don't make it about you unless they ask questions, be a gentleman, be respectful and you will be in very high demand. Plus I've seen pictures of you and know you're a good-looking dude, your biggest problem is going to be deciding from among many admiring women

So I'm not as confident about dating as I am in other aspects of life.

It was the same for me. I didn't know what to do, had not been on a date since I was in my early 20's and there I was in my 50's trying to date! But like I said above, dress nice, be a gentleman, be relaxed and confident. That's really all there is to it. You'll do great!

[AnotherStander]

Funny I haven't heard from her at all and the moment I downloaded the dating apps I get that text. So either she senses me moving on or she's found this page and knows what I'm writing here.

When you said you hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks my first thought was that you would probably hear from her soon. So yeah, it was probably just because of the lack of contact.

Also you might edit your signature, some people that don't know you are separated might wonder why you are talking about dating when your signature says you're still living together!