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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2868979
10/21/19 03:46 PM
10/21/19 03:46 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 747
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ballast Online OP
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ballast  Online OP
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Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 747
Thank you Ginger!

I always wanted 50/50 and took the action necessary soon after BD at my atty's recommendation to friendly ask for it from my ex. Thankfully she agreed and it was verbally in place for almost a year before she filed. The only thing that mattered to me was equal time with my D4 and the smartest thing I ever did post-BD was immediately get legal advice on how to make that happen right away. If exW had not agreed I would have immediately taken exW to court to get it as an arrangement . I found out that legally...waiting is the absolute worst thing for a parent to do custody wise.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 7/19
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2868981
10/21/19 03:54 PM
10/21/19 03:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,023
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kml Offline
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,023
Quote
The new lady who I first started dating back in late July,

Quote
She has met D4 and I have met her adult daughter and everyone is very comfortable with one another.


NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
You've been dating her for less than three months and you're already introducing her to your daughter? STOP!

Look - it's great that you and new lady are getting along well so far. BUT - the reality is, you still barely know her. It takes TIME to learn if a relationship is going to work long-term or not. The first year or two are just about learning to distinguish between your fantasy of who this person is and the reality of who they are. And you should NOT be involving your daughter in your dating until you are MUCH further along in the relationship.

Kids suffer - a lot - from loss when your dating relationships break up. It's really best not to involve your kids until AT LEAST (this is a MINIMUM) SIX MONTHS into dating. And even then - only if you're pretty sure this relationship is going to go the distance. (Which, frankly, you can't even know in six months, but whatever).

Read over Ginger's threads and how much her daughter has suffered during some of her breakups - even the last one where she did wait 6 months but a year in the guy bailed. And her daughter is much older than yours and better able to understand.

Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2868985
10/21/19 04:16 PM
10/21/19 04:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,064
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Ginger1 Online
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Posts: 4,064
I have to confess, I waited 6 months. And in those 6 months I thought he was the greatest guy ever. Then his true colors began to show. And I stick through because our kids were involved and he lead me to believe he was 100% committed . It really does take a long time to get to truly know someone.

My daughter hasn’t “suffered” but the 3 guys she has met left a mark on her. She handled my last very well, probably because she is older now. She was very sad with the one before that, but that wasn’t her favorite guy. We lasted only 3 months. The guy before that, the first she has ever met, well, she will tell me to this day he was “amazing”

My daughter is much better now that she is older. But they get clingy at a young age and feel the heartbreak.

The daughter of the first guy was 6 at the time and did not take our break up well at all. We were very close. She cried often and told her mom she wanted to NJ was so she could walk there to come see me. It was utterly heartbreaking .

Me and the last guy’s 5 year old son became super close and he would always say he wanted me to be his bonus mom. He told his dad he loved me. And I didn’t get to say goodbye and I have no idea what he said or how he took it and it’s still fresh and I am tearing up as I write this. It’s awful for the kids. And quite honestly, it was and is awful for me.

Now my daughter is older I’m not such a stickler. She can meet a guy, she’s more into her friends and stuff and she’s very whatever I would hold off on the family time though.

Because you get a whole week off you can spend a good amount of time alone with your woman without involving your daughter. I really really encourage you to hold off on the kid thing. It’s very difficult for a 4 year old girl when it ends. And I’m not saying it is ending, but as KML pointed out, you are still in the early phases and getting to know each other. No rush !! Enjoy your selves as a couple. The family time comes after a while when you know you each other and for sure are for a long term commitment

Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2868990
10/21/19 04:41 PM
10/21/19 04:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,757
Canada
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AndrewP Online
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,757
Canada
I met my ex-gf's grandkids - 3 and 4 years old relatively early on as she / we would babysit them. They'd gone through a lot of family upheaval prior to that and there were some behavioral problems.

They were really confused as to who I was and what my status was. "Nona's friend" wasn't "grandpa". I do know that they got rather attached and I felt bad when we broke up that they would be confused and feel abandoned yet again.

On the other hand ballast, everything could be fine with your D4. With the adult kids it's certainly very different but as others point out, small kids can get attached and confused.

But as others suggest - tread with care please.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2868991
10/21/19 04:41 PM
10/21/19 04:41 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,603
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,603
Midwest
So looking back in your posts ballast, the girl you started dating in late July, you called her tall girl, you appeared to stop dating after meeting another who became sunshine #2 or #3 or #4? But that was August. So is this who you are still dating? If so it’s been about 10 or 11 weeks. If it is tall girl from “late July” it just got in under the wire on the 29th or 30th for the first date. You said you were taking it “slow”, a phrase I hear so many people say as they speed along very fast. Anyhow, it’s good you’ve been dating for coming up on three months but as KML said that is far too soon to involve such a young child. You were surprised and concerned, rightfully so, when your ex W wanted to introduce D4 to a new guy. The very last thing this child who is still adjusting to a new life without mom and dad needs is other adult/patent type figures coming in and out of her life. Please don’t do that. You’re an adult and can rush into things if you’d like but it’s really unfair to do that to a child. It really does effect them. Six months should be an absolute bare minimum time while 6 to 12 months really is the guideline. And this guideline really does make sense as we see how many post D Rs don’t make it to one year. Glad you’re back and posting though. Hopefully you’ll continue and weigh the various input here.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: DonH] #2869004
10/21/19 05:27 PM
10/21/19 05:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,570
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,570
Southern Maryland

Last edited by job; 10/22/19 01:08 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
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