Now what’s the next step ? Find a marriage counselor
I reversed these sentences from your post, but there's your answer.
I don't know whether it's better to suggest you do it, so it gets done, or suggest he do it so you remain detached and make sure he's bought into the idea.
But, remember that little voice? What's it telling you?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I will definitely be the one to find the marriage counselor. I’ve reached out to a few coaches who have done Michelle’s training . I may let the dust settle a little before scheduling and see how his pace is and commitment. Saying and actions are two totally different things .
Little voice right now is telling me he wants to work on marriage but not to jump in head first . I’m scared in all reality . I don’t think I really processed how deep down the last year effected me . How truly hurt I am by some of it . I love my H . I want a better new marriage. But there’s a huge part of me now that really thinks would he have done the same for me ? Would he have stood for his marriage even when it was the darkest . I chose to love unconditionally it was something I never understood until recent weeks and this forum . I’m still DBing not pursuing , not clingy , didn’t bring up what he said about us working on this and I’m not calling or texting first . I’m Still distancing . I will admit it’s nice being pursued after watching him run away so hard . H is starting recognize good things in the marriage . His faults he’s admitting . My strengths are noticed . His weaknesses more apparent.
Hey Caligirl! I don't blame you one bit for not trusting his words, but it definitely seems like he is being sincere! It's not going to repair over night and you both have a long, uphill battle, but I hope that his actions continue to back up his words. I really relate to you because I, too, have chosen to love unconditionally and I know with certainty that if roles were reversed my ww would leave me like a sack of potatoes. It's great that he is willing to do MC and I hope he "has a good mind set" as you said about what your goals would be as a couple. Hang in there and keep making him prove it! You seem so strong.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Balancing my own emotions is hard today just need a break to calm my mind . Have plans to GAL in a little while but felt the need to vent .
H has increased his pursuit - yesterday he had plans to take kids to his cousins overnight for a planned Halloween party . H has been planted at my home for a awhile now . Depressed . But seemed to perk up yesterday which was nice to see . Even though I know some of it was by his own choosing still can be rough to watch .
I left work last evening . For years my usual is to call H. I have stopped this completely for months . I knew he would be gone by time I arrived home . I walked in and noticed a love poem and bracelet for me . Very sweet and thoughtful . I don’t know why I didn’t call H but I didn’t . Maybe it’s my detachment that’s kicked in . Or knowing not to jump on the rollercoaster . He asked me if I was home and noticed . I said yes and thank you it was so sweet . I don’t know what has come over me lately I just can’t get a grip . He really is trying Which is such a nice 180 on his part .The pursuit continued with frequent texts and calls from him . More talk of the grass not being so green . Missing home and me . I validate . Emailed a coach local to set up for next week .
Maybe I have detached too much ? The goal always is to have a stronger new marriage for me but the line of don’t jump at crumbs is imbedded in me now . I don’t think these are crumbs anymore.
I don’t know what to do so I’m going to do nothing and just go with the flow
you have mentioned his being depressed a few times. Is he getting any help for that? It is a very big issue that should be addressed, and seems to be a common theme among WASes.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Wondering if part of it is that your focus has been for so long on DBing and now that you can relax on that a bit you are letting yourself feel how ****ed up his behavior has been to you and you are scared of letting him back in and hurting you again? Again I'm a total newbie and not to the point where you are yet but I would imagine that the next steps and going through MC probably will be hard and emotional and it is totally natural that you're maybe a little hesitant and want a lot of proof that he isn't going to do this all over again if you open back up to him. I don't think you should put too much pressure on yourself but it does sound really positive, and at some point you'll have to decide to be vulnerable again with him if you want to build a new R... know we are all here for you! ((hugs))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Last night had a great GAL. Went to a concert with some friends . Best night out I have had in a long time . Much needed .
On the relationship front H said he’s going to move home . A sincere I want to move home because I love my wife and I want this marriage to work . He’s been here few weeks anyway I just haven’t brought it up or asked much about it . I guess slowly he realized the more I DB the more he saw what he was no longer going to have .
I do not know how this will end up in the future . Months , weeks or in days it could all change but the number one thing I will say that helped was this DB forum .
Wow, CG, that is great. I'm super happy for you-- feel like you are the poster child for doing DB right!! A couple questions-- what logistical steps does he need to take to "officially" move home? Also, are there open questions you have about what caused him to move out in the first place? I'm just wondering if it would help you to feel more secure to both understand the concrete steps he's taking to commit back to the MR and living at home, and if you have lingering questions about what happened in the first place. I remember some of the posters were wondering if there was an A, and I wonder if part of you is having a hard time believing/trusting where he is right now because you still don't totally understand why he behaved the way he did. Probably all stuff best to work through in MC but might be time for you to do an internal temp check on where you are and what you want in a new R so that you can have clear goals as you move forward? Hope you keep posting
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I made a few stipulations- obviously marriage counseling was the big one . He needs to repair whatever damaging things that were said untruthful about me to his family and friends . His revision was very bad and painted me in a very awful view.
Logistically - he can move whatever he took back as he has time . I will say I’m maybe one of the few luckier ones on here . I bought our home solo 6 years ago before we were married and he would never fight me for it or have made me sell . When we split there was not much he took besides personal items .
As far as the breakdown or cause of split . I did ask . From what he says he’s a people pleaser and got to the point of just wanting to live for himself only . When his auto immune disease flairs he’s down for weeks sometimes months at a time . When he recovers he just tries to do everything he wants and doesn’t really care who he hurts. For some reason this time he got sick he just realized what he’s been doing . I gently implied it’s been going on for years . I end up full of resentment because I’m always just an after thought or not even a thought . I suggested IC to handle this on his part .
A- is there one now . No . I can tell you he will never admit to one if there was one . He did say on several occasions he wanted to be a free spirit . I have the feeling the dating world was not what he imagined as he continued to run home several times a week . Grass was not so green . The one DB technique that clearly had results not only on myself but H was GAL being a mystery . I still haven’t told him what I did. The mystery of me not sitting home like a sad puppy honestly sometimes really messed him up . To the point it was an eye opener for him to see my life didn’t stop because he walked out . I do GAL a lot and dress to impress .
