Alison, good to hear from you. I often check and look for posts by you and Dilly. You guys sort of disappeared and I hope you come back and continue to keep us updated! I miss you both! I'll read your update and reply there.
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 12/14/1906:28 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Well thank you, Hope, that's a nice complement. I have seen some of her thread, not all. Sometimes I am not so sure how much people appreciate my rusty, nail-studded, 2by4s! I am happy to share them however. I just often don't tell people what they want to hear.
I have been supporting a friend through a similar sitch as my BD several years ago. I just adore her. It pains me to see her going through the same heartache, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, and self doubt. We just had a long conversation. Her H is showing signs of wanting to return. I don't have a lot of advice for her -- just listening, being supportive, and knowing that it all takes such a long, long time.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Ovr! You are such a valuable member of this community. I appreciate the advice you give to others. I am glad you post to me as well. I can relate to what you say about balancing instinct vs intellect. As hard as this M has been for the last 5-6 years, I do think in a lot of ways it has made me a stronger person. Hopefully a better person too. I was also more impatient and controlling in my M. I have let some of that go and am more willing to look at my part in things. I like to think there is a silver lining in overcoming all of this, because if not, I am left wondering, "why didn't I just move on and not let him back in?"
All it take to change those behaviors is to turn our world upside down, so at least we have that positive going for us!
Originally Posted by BluWave
Your W sounds like she was quite the stud. Softball is blowing up and gaining a lot of popularity. My youngest plays competitive soccer and just made a competitive softball team too. Softball has been a much bigger commitment than soccer! So now I will have 2 softball players and 1 that is also balancing soccer. Fortunately, the older made a change to a team with much less travel and a less demanding schedule. .... I also wish that my parents let me play competitive sports, or any sports for that matter, when I was growing up. I see sooo many positive benefits for my kids, it's amazing. They are growing into strong, confident, well rounded individuals. They are also learning that they can work well in a group, enjoy the rewards of benefiting from their hard work, and also handle losing and disappointments. I spend so many hours in the car with my teen and we talk about everything. I feel so lucky to have that R with her. ... I also need to recognize that I cannot project my own feelings of loss in my childhood onto them and push them too hard.
I can talk about my kids sports much more readily than marriage and M saving advice!
Blu
I think that your kids are great and they are benefiting so much. Good job Mom. And really god job on not pushing your own agenda onto their athletic careers. So many parents make that mistake. I've been floundering on having children this last year and a half, but hearing about our kids' adventures and talks and road trips makes me want them. Hope all is well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sometimes I am not so sure how much people appreciate my rusty, nail-studded, 2by4s! I am happy to share them however. I just often don't tell people what they want to hear.
I, for one, live for them!
Originally Posted by BluWave
I spend so many hours in the car with my teen and we talk about everything. I feel so lucky to have that R with her. ... I also need to recognize that I cannot project my own feelings of loss in my childhood onto them and push them too hard
I think so often about my relationship with my 4 year old daughter, more and more as she gets older and becomes her own person. When I think about the future, more than anything I hope to be someone she can and will talk to about everything. Building and maintaining that level of trust and communication (and not repeating the way I was parented) with her is my main goal and I think about it every single day. Yes, you are lucky, and you should definitely let yourself take some of the credit for creating that bond with your daughter! I hope so deeply that the improved self awareness my marital situation has brought me will help me cultivate the same with mine.
I have followed your thread and your advice to others has always really spoken to me. Honest, clear and incredibly thoughtful. If you do have the time and energy I welcome the 2x4s. I can stay off this board and in my own head if I only hear what I want to hear
Of course, no pressure-- part of me feels like spending too much time on these boards is not really helping me, but honestly reading your posts somehow make me feel more hopeful about the future, no matter what happens with H.
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Dear May, Ive been reading your thread all week. I will reply there soon. I have a lot of thoughts on your sitch and I think it is quite similar to mine was 5-6 years ago, however we didn't have a SSM. I do read here most days and follow several people here. I don't post often, but when people ask me for advice specifically, I will go back and try to read from the beginning before replying. I want to think about their sitch specifically and what I can say that might be helpful to them personally. I am not a fan of some of the frequent posters and don't always agree with the same cookie cutter advice being repeated. While there are similarities in all of our sitches, there are also differences, and I think if we keep doling out the same advice, then the subtle variations can get lost in between. I know in my own sitch, those subtleties were what stood us apart and ultimately I think why we led to reconciliation.
H and I hit our 15 year wedding anni this week. I met him 19 years ago this Jan. We sort of blew it on the planning front, however we have something nice planned this evening. Or so I think. We can do better and next year I think should be more mindful of that. We like to be casual and not fancy, but that can also lead to being neglectful of making things special. So this spring will mark 5 years of him returning. I remember us talking about giving it 1-2 solid years of trying. As if we would call it quits after that amount of time if we didn't have enough progress - ha! That makes me laugh out loud! We were so clueless. I would now say that 5 years is a good amount of time to know if a M can be restored and even then we will always be a work in progress. As I see it, people and Ms are continuously evolving and there is always room for improvement. Also, like I said above, there are differences in our sitches. Some of us have endured major trauma that went on for a significant amount of time and others have had a couple normal bumps in the M road. We are not all the same and should not be advised as such!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu, just wanted to thank you for your note about being wary of cookie cutter DB advice. There are guidelines and there are patterns, but I too get tired of seeing frequent posts with the same advice applied to every single situation. In part it's why I've backed off from posting on the boards.
I suppose one reason I don't like that approach is that it leads to posters/LBS to feel if they don't DB "perfectly" they've "failed" and then it's their fault if the M doesn't reconcile. It puts too much pressure on behaviors that are not a recipe for a returning spouse. It does not actually focus on the improvement of the LBS.
Even "GAL" is over prescribed. It is huge, and I absolutely agree that a huge part of becoming a complete and fulfilled person is to find out what really makes you content and gives you drive. But also it's literally all people tell each other to do. What about sitting back and healing for a bit? What about just stopping the constant never-ending train of negative thoughts that swirl in our heads, and learning to just sit and be content while doing nothing? That's so HARD and I think it's a huge part of the healing and moving forward process. It's a balance, and it's nuanced as you so rightly point out.
Anyway, just wanted to cheers to you for saying so. I know you're very well respected here because you've stuck around to post for so long, and there are very few folks who do so. Thank you for that. And for being honest in your own struggles, which don't magically cease if your spouse returns. Thank you for your honesty there as well. I hope you have a very Happy New year and of course Happy Anniversary as well!
Thank you so much for posting to me! You have given me a lot to think about. I appreciate that. I am going to read your post a few more times and let it sink in further. I don't want to just post the same GAL GAL GAL over and over again! There really is so much more to this than that. Honestly, I didn't even post after my own BD. It was so, so painful and I was a mess. I was depressed, anxious, could barely eat or sleep, or even focus on work. I was not okay. I was just trying to survive. I admire all of you that can come here and share your vulnerabilities. We need to be more patient and kind, and I include myself in that.
I would like to read your threads. I do hope you stay with us. It is also good for the community to have more diverse posters so we all feel welcomed. I would hate to think that people didn't post because they felt misunderstood, judged or not welcomed. Sometimes by sharing our own stories or perspectives, we can help create a culture of inclusiveness. I know that there are many more people that read here that don't post. I know because I was one of them.
To anyone reading, I would love to hear your story, even if it isn't like mine or the others'. Just send me a note here :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
To anyone reading, I would love to hear your story, even if it isn't like mine or the others'. Just send me a note here :-)
*raises hand Hi blu- I’ve been reading your thread and I also read what you posted to may22 in her thread. You are amazing for being able to point out those things. I’d love for you to read about my story and share your thoughts on it if you have any. Thanks!!
