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A Message from Michele
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Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868706
10/18/19 01:37 AM
10/18/19 01:37 AM
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Whatís the question?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868717
10/18/19 03:51 AM
10/18/19 03:51 AM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 366
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LB55 Offline OP
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LB55  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 366
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Am I wrong to think I deserve to know who this person is? He is a part of my kids life now and we are a long ways from finishing this divorce. Just shows a person how a WW acts I guess.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868723
10/18/19 05:48 AM
10/18/19 05:48 AM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 366
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LB55 Offline OP
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LB55  Offline OP
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Posts: 366
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I have suspected she is with someone for quite a while now, not really all that surprised or torn up. Figured she would at least have the decency to divorce me before introducing the kids to her romantic partners though.

The kids think we are divorced. I don't have the heart to tell them mom is lying to them.

Part of me sees this as an opportunity to get an easier settlement negotiated because she canít keep spinning the story forever and if she is so serious about this guy that he is hanging out at the house with the kids then she certainly it doesnít want him finding out the real story about how she hasnít done anything to work on the divorce. She will eventually have to come to me and settle if she wants to be with this guy. Do I wait it out and try to gain an advantage in negotiation or am I just wasting my life away here? She doesnít know I am aware of whatís going on. Daughter tried to shush my son when he was telling me about this guy so clearly W doesnít want me knowing.

I guess the best way to describe my feeling right now is disgusted. I feel her pain and she is just trying to fill the hole I suppose that is left behind by her choices. Such a sad way to deal with marital problems.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868725
10/18/19 07:13 AM
10/18/19 07:13 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,187
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Vapo Offline
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Vapo  Offline
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For all intents and purposes you are divorced. You just don't have a paper that says so. Yet. You have to let go of your desire to know who your wife is dating. It could be that it is some kind of a weirdo, but the chances of that are very slim. Most likely you just want to meet the guy to see what he has and you don't because your W replaced you with him. It's not you, it's her.

Don't you go on "feeling" her pain. It is HER pain, not your. Do what is best for you, protect yourself and protect the kids.

Stay strong buddy...

Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868728
10/18/19 11:06 AM
10/18/19 11:06 AM
Joined: Apr 2019
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IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 674
Hey LB. Sorry to hear of your latest news - that really [censored].

I don't really know what to tell you, legal-wise. I would suggest speaking to a L before you decide anything.

In regards to yourself, I guess it all depends on if you've had enough. This is only speculation on my part, but I think that if you let them know what you know, it will have to be a reveal that has some action attached to it on your part, ie. "Since this is the action you have decided to take, I will be _______".

Of course, if you do nothing, there is always the possibility that your kids may reveal to your W that they told you. Either way, I would think about it and prepare yourself for a response so you aren't blindsided.

I guess the question becomes - are you willing to wait this out? Are you willing to keep standing?

It's not an easy position to be in, I feel for you, man.

Always remember what the old threads talk about so much. The OP is a symptom of the MLC. It means nothing. Never compare yourself to the OP. They can never "replace" you. And on some level, buried deep down, even if she never shows it or says it, your W knows that what she is doing is not ok.

Take care man - stay strong.

Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868730
10/18/19 11:35 AM
10/18/19 11:35 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,476
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 7,476
Originally Posted by LB55
Am I wrong to think I deserve to know who this person is? He is a part of my kids life now and we are a long ways from finishing this divorce. Just shows a person how a WW acts I guess.


I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. I do think you have to be careful to separate your feelings about it as a father, and as an estranged husband. I see LBSs that use the kids as an excuse to try to control their STBX. So just yet to temper your reaction to it.

Not sure how to deal with it, to be honest, is probably handle it all wrong myself. Maybe some of the posters that have been through it or something similar could offer advice.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868737
10/18/19 01:02 PM
10/18/19 01:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by LB55
Am I wrong to think I deserve to know who this person is? He is a part of my kids life now and we are a long ways from finishing this divorce. Just shows a person how a WW acts I guess.


Well I don't know if "deserve" is the right word, but informing you of some OM she's bringing into the kids' lives would have been the respectful thing to do for sure. Unfortunately WW's can be very disrespectful, so I'm not surprised she didn't tell you.

Quote
The kids think we are divorced. I don't have the heart to tell them mom is lying to them.


Vapo is right, the way your W sees it you ARE divorced. The "spiritual" divorce in her eyes happened at BD. The "legal" divorce is just a formality to her. She's already behaving as if you are fully divorced.

Quote
Part of me sees this as an opportunity to get an easier settlement negotiated because she canít keep spinning the story forever and if she is so serious about this guy that he is hanging out at the house with the kids then she certainly it doesnít want him finding out the real story about how she hasnít done anything to work on the divorce.


You're assuming he doesn't know all the details, but he might. Most states are "no fault divorce" and if yours is one of them then you can't leverage an affair to gain any advantage in D proceedings. You might discuss that with a L.

Quote
She will eventually have to come to me and settle if she wants to be with this guy.


That depends. WW's live to cake eat and there is no better cake-eating then having a fling while staying married. It's the best of both worlds for her.

Quote
Do I wait it out and try to gain an advantage in negotiation or am I just wasting my life away here?


Waiting it out is not an option. You work on YOU. Get out. GAL like crazy. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Give her time and space, LOTS of it. I'm not saying pursue D, but I am saying don't sit around waiting for her to have some kind of epiphany because that's not going to happen. It'll be a long time before she might look back. Make the best possible use of that time.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: Steve85] #2868748
10/18/19 01:52 PM
10/18/19 01:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 366
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LB55 Offline OP
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LB55  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 366
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by LB55
Am I wrong to think I deserve to know who this person is? He is a part of my kids life now and we are a long ways from finishing this divorce. Just shows a person how a WW acts I guess.


I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. I do think you have to be careful to separate your feelings about it as a father, and as an estranged husband. I see LBSs that use the kids as an excuse to try to control their STBX. So just yet to temper your reaction to it.

Not sure how to deal with it, to be honest, is probably handle it all wrong myself. Maybe some of the posters that have been through it or something similar could offer advice.


I hear you on the separation of feelings steve. I do not care that she is seeing someone nearly as much as I care that the kids are using the word stepdad. If the kids are that attached already, how hurt are they going to be when mom decides to move on to the next guy? That is the crux of my thoughts here I think. How does this affect the kids and how can I protect them?


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: AnotherStander] #2868760
10/18/19 02:43 PM
10/18/19 02:43 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 366
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LB55 Offline OP
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LB55  Offline OP
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Posts: 366
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Waiting it out is not an option. You work on YOU. Get out. GAL like crazy. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Give her time and space, LOTS of it. I'm not saying pursue D, but I am saying don't sit around waiting for her to have some kind of epiphany because that's not going to happen. It'll be a long time before she might look back. Make the best possible use of that time.


Not sure how to give more time and space. In the past 2 months We have maybe exchanged 4 text messages that say 'on my way' and 'ok' to coordinate picking up the kids. She sends me forwarded emails about PTSA functions at school in response to me asking to be more involved in what is happening day to day with the kids. That is the extent of our communication. I've been trying to be as dark as possible given we have kids.

I am working my GAL, most days I leave for work at 0430, get home between 5-8pm, have my GAL night with guys Monday night, football referee Friday night and Saturdays, church on sundays, etc. Trying to stay busy but am really feeling run down and exhausted at the same time.

A lot of my personal stress in my life is just from the uncertainty. I'd way rather just be divorced and have things settled financially and stuff.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Re: Awaiting Actions (LB55 #5) [Re: LB55] #2868761
10/18/19 03:06 PM
10/18/19 03:06 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
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Twofeet Offline
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Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
Do you need to know someone who is a potential drop in the hat in the long line of drops in the hat? If she wants to have you meet this dude she will, otherwise what do you care? You only care for your side of the fence and you can only maintain your own lawn.
Her dating may only be useful if you are trying to push for divorce and your state says dating before divorce is a big no.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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