I would like to weigh in on this. Unfortunately I’m having a very busy day at work. I haven’t read your posts, Many worries, but I intend to. I actually agree with some of what you are saying and also feel the culture of this board has changed a lot in the last 5 years. Either way, we all need to respect one another and communicate in a way that is mindful and productive. All of us and all the time, no exceptions.
I’ll be back when I have some time! I hope we can all make some positive changes together, as this place is a life savor for many readers!
Blu
I'd be interested in how you feel it has changed. I know Many Worries feel that LBSs are innocent and that the WAS is all to blame. However, I see it stated all the time that LBSs are at a minimum partially at fault for the state of their marriages. I was very clear in my own sitch that I took the majority of the fault on myself for being a terrible husband for a very long time.
However, that doesn't justify affairs. If your spouse is so awful, D them, then go out and find someone new. The majority of the sitches we see apply the principle of the monkey not leaping from their branch until they've identified another branch that can support them. Or the analogy of Tarzan not letting go of a vine before he has grabbed another. D can be justified in a sitch where one spouse is just a bad spouse. But striking up another relationship before that happens cannot, in my humble opinion, be justified.
I've only been here a little over a year and a half so I can't speak to the culture change of the board. I will say that in general, stagnation is never a good thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would like to weigh in on this. Unfortunately I’m having a very busy day at work. I haven’t read your posts, Many worries, but I intend to. I actually agree with some of what you are saying and also feel the culture of this board has changed a lot in the last 5 years. Either way, we all need to respect one another and communicate in a way that is mindful and productive. All of us and all the time, no exceptions.
I’ll be back when I have some time! I hope we can all make some positive changes together, as this place is a life savor for many readers!
Blu
I'd be interested in how you feel it has changed. I know Many Worries feel that LBSs are innocent and that the WAS is all to blame. However, I see it stated all the time that LBSs are at a minimum partially at fault for the state of their marriages. I was very clear in my own sitch that I took the majority of the fault on myself for being a terrible husband for a very long time.
However, that doesn't justify affairs. If your spouse is so awful, D them, then go out and find someone new. The majority of the sitches we see apply the principle of the monkey not leaping from their branch until they've identified another branch that can support them. Or the analogy of Tarzan not letting go of a vine before he has grabbed another. D can be justified in a sitch where one spouse is just a bad spouse. But striking up another relationship before that happens cannot, in my humble opinion, be justified.
I've only been here a little over a year and a half so I can't speak to the culture change of the board. I will say that in general, stagnation is never a good thing.
I would like to weigh in on this. Unfortunately I’m having a very busy day at work. I haven’t read your posts, Many worries, but I intend to. I actually agree with some of what you are saying and also feel the culture of this board has changed a lot in the last 5 years. Either way, we all need to respect one another and communicate in a way that is mindful and productive. All of us and all the time, no exceptions.
I’ll be back when I have some time! I hope we can all make some positive changes together, as this place is a life savor for many readers!
Blu
I'd be interested in how you feel it has changed. I know Many Worries feel that LBSs are innocent and that the WAS is all to blame. However, I see it stated all the time that LBSs are at a minimum partially at fault for the state of their marriages. I was very clear in my own sitch that I took the majority of the fault on myself for being a terrible husband for a very long time.
However, that doesn't justify affairs. If your spouse is so awful, D them, then go out and find someone new. The majority of the sitches we see apply the principle of the monkey not leaping from their branch until they've identified another branch that can support them. Or the analogy of Tarzan not letting go of a vine before he has grabbed another. D can be justified in a sitch where one spouse is just a bad spouse. But striking up another relationship before that happens cannot, in my humble opinion, be justified.
I've only been here a little over a year and a half so I can't speak to the culture change of the board. I will say that in general, stagnation is never a good thing.
That's not even close to what I've said.
Sorry Many Worries! That was a mistype. It should have read: "I know Many Worries feels that the board now espouses that LBSs are innocent and that the WAS is all to blame. However, I see it stated all the time that LBSs are at a minimum partially at fault for the state of their marriages. I was very clear in my own sitch that I took the majority of the fault on myself for being a terrible husband for a very long time."
Last edited by Steve85; 10/17/1906:11 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was able to totally and completely reconciled with my wife
What do you think were the important change you made to get things back on track?
You got me thinking I might ask the wife tonight. I would say this....and it won't be a popular answer here...I went with my gut sometimes on how to approach thing.
I also was very clear that I was always there for her. As mother of my children, she deserved that.
I was able to totally and completely reconciled with my wife
What do you think were the important change you made to get things back on track?
You got me thinking I might ask the wife tonight. I would say this....and it won't be a popular answer here...I went with my gut sometimes on how to approach thing.
I also was very clear that I was always there for her. As mother of my children, she deserved that.
Do you have a link to your story? Just wanted to get some background on it, whether she was a WW vs WAS vs MLC, etc.
I was able to totally and completely reconciled with my wife
What do you think were the important change you made to get things back on track?
You got me thinking I might ask the wife tonight. I would say this....and it won't be a popular answer here...I went with my gut sometimes on how to approach thing.
I also was very clear that I was always there for her. As mother of my children, she deserved that.
Not sure why we would disagree with this, this is outstanding. As I've told other posters here, the advice I provide is general advice. There is no way I know as much about their sitch, themselves, or their WAS than they do. For instance, I posted here well over a year before I disclosed that I myself had had EAs. So the advice I had received up to that point was done without that valuable piece of information.
I don't think anyone here is trying to suggest that they are an expert, or know more than anyone else. We are simply trying to share our experience and what we learned. As Ready2Change and I have said before, during our sitches I was reading 5-8 books, or more a month.
So yes, LBSs should trust their gut. Though I will say that sometimes you have to be careful because in various states your gut can mislead you (denial, etc).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have never heard anyone here say they were an expert. The term "vet" is often used. All that means is that we have been here a long time and give OPINIONS based on personal experience and seeing so many of these stories play out.
As far as the difference of opinion with MWD, she does not distinguish between a walk a way and a wayward. Me personally I have less tolerance for a wayward and like Sandi think they need to be treated with tough love. I also don't think she views cake eating the same way I do.
One other thing, I've noticed Many Worries mention not liking telling new poster LBS that likely their WAS was having an A. The implication seemed to be that it was mean (crummy was the word used) and didn't matter anyway.
While the latter is partially true, I believe it isn't mean, and it does matter to an extent.
Detachment is difficult. Very few do it well without trying for a long time. And those struggling with detachment will really not hold up well when something new and traumatic is revealed. The fact is that a very high percentage of BDs are precipitated by an A. And while true that bad behavior on the LBS's part can be a cause of that, the fact is very few WAS make the decision to end their marriage until they are in the limerance stage with someone new.
But to help a LBS deal with this potentiality, I like to warm them up to the idea. I know when I discovered my W's EA in Dec of 2017 I was completely unprepared to deal properly with the BD that ensued. I did all the wrong things. Begged, cried, pleaded, reasoned, used logic, tried to talk her out of it etc.......
Ready2Change once asked me what I would do if my W came to me now and said "I want a D". My response: "Okay, let's go, I'll help you pack." And in fact this is exactly how I reacted a couple of months ago when I discovered her emailing and chatting with a guy online. I was very level-headed, emotionally even, and essentially told her that either it stopped or it was over. Her reaction 2 months ago, and her reaction in Dec. 2017 were night and day.
Most LBS that come here have already failed on the BD response. They've usually already did the begging, crying, pleading, reasoning, using logic and trying to talk their WAS out of it. Now they are trying to GAL, 180, and detach. The last thing they need is to repeat their BD mistake if and when they discover their WAS' EA or PA.
So that is why I try to prepare LBSs for that potential. It can only help them react properly when it comes to fruition.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
