I am trying to come up with a way to communicate w my wife that I can effectively co-parent and that a 50/50 split would be best. She stated yesterday that she wants a split but is more inclined to give the kids whatever they want, and that currently means staying with her full time.
Why are your wife and kids determining your custody schedule for the 12 y/o again?
I am saying I want the kids oneweek, and she'd have them the next. She is saying the kids want to be with her 100% of the time.
They're 15 and 12, right? Have you talked to them about this? I'm kind of surprised you are stating what your W said they want while apparently not knowing yourself. In many states at those ages they would legally be allowed to instruct the court as to who they want to stay with, and it does weigh heavily in the judge's decision. Your W could very well be coaching them like crazy right now and influencing their decision. If you don't talk to them then it may be to your detriment as far as visitation goes.
Good point, AS. The daughter is joining me tonight at the fire station as she doesn’t have school tomorrow. I’m going to try to speak to her and find out where she is at mentally with all of this. I did talk to my son yesterday: he is in the gym so much it’s insane. I asked both of them to hang last night; daughter had plans and son wanted to just do nothing and relax.
Wife text me twice - once yesterday to talk about my son’s gym schedule and again today to tell me she was happy I was spending time with my daughter. The gym schedule convo I just said to email me what she needed as I was really busy. First time in a while I didn’t create a R talk.
One thing I wanna add - what's been some keys to detachment (aside from not living across the street from eachother when you separate)?? Most times I am keeping busy with GAL and working out, but man, sometimes I don't see her car in the driveway and my mind starts spinning. I try to start focusing on something else (I just cleaned out my gas grill).
I ran into her last week and she said she's been frequenting a brewery about 45 minutes from here. I thought to myself - that's odd, because you didn't love frequenting them when we were together and you sure didn't like me to go to them w my friends. I responded back - that brewery is great, hope you had a blast.
I actually started closing the shades in my windows that face her side of the street so I don't have to see if she's home or not.
Custody mediation went great. We had a spirit of collaboration between us and agreed the kids would slowly start staying with me more. I agreed to make an appointment with D5's therapist and have a few sessions w him and then w my daughter.
We are reconvening with the mediator in January. I asked about scheduling sooner if need be, should we need to. She said either one of us could call her and cancel mediation, and then we'd get a court date for custody.
At one point our mediator just looked at us and said, I really dont understand why you guys are here. She said she sensed no tension. My wife satted just being around me makes her very anxious and I left it at that.
* I made an appointment with D15's therapist on the advice of the mediator. I was to get some feedback on the therapist as to how best help my daughter cope. We are meeting later today * Told my W this, and she stated she wanted to have the family collectively discuss the kids staying over Saturday night. I went over to the W house after work. They seemed fine with it (not excited nor upset by it). I told them I am very excited to have them stay over. * I was leaving W house and she stated she'd like me to join them for Thanksgiving. Inside, I couldn't believe it and almost collapsed in joy. I told her "I will think about it but I do want to see the kids that day. Thank you for the offer". She stated she was having some friends over to join them too, a few of whom I know (one is actually a girl from Crossfit that BD'd her husband about 6 months before my W did). * Told my new gal I wanted some space, that I have some codependency things I am working out and us seeing eachother isn't a good idea. I am re-reading NMMNG. I need to be fine being alone without female validation and I am not there yet.
Advice sought: * Thinking I go to W house for Thanksgiving for a while, but say I have other plans and leave a little early. I am really missing my kids and dont want to upset them. * W birthday is 2 days before Thanksgiving. Should I just send a text? Do nothing?
* I made an appointment with D15's therapist on the advice of the mediator. I was to get some feedback on the therapist as to how best help my daughter cope. We are meeting later today * Told my W this, and she stated she wanted to have the family collectively discuss the kids staying over Saturday night. I went over to the W house after work. They seemed fine with it (not excited nor upset by it). I told them I am very excited to have them stay over. * I was leaving W house and she stated she'd like me to join them for Thanksgiving. Inside, I couldn't believe it and almost collapsed in joy. I told her "I will think about it but I do want to see the kids that day. Thank you for the offer". She stated she was having some friends over to join them too, a few of whom I know (one is actually a girl from Crossfit that BD'd her husband about 6 months before my W did). * Told my new gal I wanted some space, that I have some codependency things I am working out and us seeing eachother isn't a good idea. I am re-reading NMMNG. I need to be fine being alone without female validation and I am not there yet.
^^^GReat stuff FM, all handled really well!
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* Thinking I go to W house for Thanksgiving for a while, but say I have other plans and leave a little early. I am really missing my kids and dont want to upset them.
Sounds like an excellent plan.
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* W birthday is 2 days before Thanksgiving. Should I just send a text? Do nothing?
I think sending a text is fine. It's the polite thing to do whether she reciprocates or not. Also I would suggest that you take your kids shopping to get her something, have them do the wrapping and have them give her the present/ presents.
Journaling: * Weekend went great. D15 was supposed to stay overnight Saturday but ditched me without reason. Had dinner with S12 and dinner and ice cream with both kids last night. I took them to Target after and let them buy essentials and a gift for their Mom. I remained upbeat and positive and asked a lot of questions, none of which were D or S related.I'm making an appointment w D15's therapist to have a joint session w her and myself. * Got a sweet deal on a used car. This is my first new vehicle in about 16 years. * W came over Sunday to discuss the week again pretty much unannounced. I told her I was just about to leave to run errands. We chatted for a bit and she said she was going out that evening. I actually said - great, have a great time and tell the kids I am home. They ended up coming over for dinner (as previously stated) * W further mentioned that the lady who used to be her current roommate's roommate broke up with her fiance and is moving back in. She's seriously easy on the eyes too. My response was - wait WHAT?! She's SINGLE?! Holy cow!!!! W just stared at me. I told her, well, if she's really hard up for a room, give her my number. W said, ok yeah sure. For the first time in forever, I felt pretty darn good. I went from being this discarded dude, to a single guy with a great job, a house, who works out and now has a new car. I actually felt bad for this other woman for her breakup. Told the W to have a blast and that I was tired from going out hard Fri night.
Journaling: * W texted me today to say her stove was out and she had to cook dinner for S12's team. Let the txt sit for a few hours as I was busy at work. As much as I wanted to say, buy them takeout, I let her use mine this afternoon. She was very appreciative and actually cooked me dinner (first time since last January). * W texted me a few hours later and commented D15 wanted to go to fire dept training tonight. Said yes, she could join me. She said D15 has always liked to do things on her own terms. I reminded her it took her almost a year to potty train. * W texted me a few hours after that and asked about my Dad. I didn't reply - as this is the most normal she's been to me in months. Sandi always said to be extremely leary of the WW when they start being nice. I suspect my W living arrangements becoming more difficult has her thinking twice about pushing for a D. She has to know my lawyer is going to be responding to her divorce filing in the next day or so too.
I am starting to get a lot of anxiety whenever she texts me, probably because of her frequent history of broadsiding me frequent this year with BD's. I thanked her for dinner by sending an email and not use a txt.
Going to a wine tasting/museum gallery event after work tomorrow for an hour. I need to get some ideas on decorating my house once the D goes through. Scheduled my next crossfit class for next Thurs night too. I am sore AF from my last CrossFit class.
As much as I wanted to say, buy them takeout, I let her use mine this afternoon.
Nothing wrong with stuff like this as long as you maintain zero expectations!
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* W texted me a few hours after that and asked about my Dad. I didn't reply - as this is the most normal she's been to me in months. Sandi always said to be extremely leary of the WW when they start being nice. I suspect my W living arrangements becoming more difficult has her thinking twice about pushing for a D. She has to know my lawyer is going to be responding to her divorce filing in the next day or so too.
I get it! I used to get really paranoid when my XW would be overly nice too, it's like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But sometimes they're just in a "nice" mood, it may not be anything nefarious. So enjoy it when she's nice and don't be surprised when she gets cold and distant again, it's normal for them to pull you in and push you away.
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Scheduled my next crossfit class for next Thurs night too. I am sore AF from my last CrossFit class.
Welcome to xfit! I've been doing it over 3 years and still get sore on some of the workouts. Lots of variety in the workouts, definitely keeps your body from settling into a groove!
