Some LBSs are in so much pain that texting the WAS over anything is detrimental to their own health. A healed parent takes priority over sending pictures. I’m old so I remember when you had to send off film to get pictures. Kids will do just fine in life without pictures and for that matter so will the WAS.
I found a charge for a hotel room on a bank statement for one of our joint accounts. It was charged a few months ago at 11pm. H has said there’s nobody else and that’s not the reason for ending our marriage, but at BD he said he wanted the opportunity to sleep with other people while we were on a break. Is there any point in bringing this up to question the charge and ask him to tell the truth about a possible OW?
Now that H is settled in his own place after four months of crashing with a friend, he seems relieved and happy and ready to resume normal life. He spent the last four months hiding from anyone who might “have an agenda” and try to “change his mind”. It’s feels like he’s just brushing the horrendous act of abandoning his family under the rug and acting as if it never happened, or that it happened but he’s not responsible. He insisted the other day that he does value family... I wanted to say that someone who values family doesn’t destroy one.
He’s posting photos of our S in his family group chat whenever he has him as if to prove what a great dad he is. I haven’t posted in the chat for a month and at this point I’m sitting on a goodbye message to the group, but unsure if I should send it. I don’t feel like part of the family any more. I don’t know what to do. His parents and sister didn’t ask for this to happen, and I don’t want to punish them by not sharing photos of their grandson/nephew, but emotionally I don’t think I can keep up the pretense that nothing has changed.
Feeling a bit down in the dumps today. He changed his social media profile pic from a wedding photo to something else and I feel stupid for letting that get to me.
Sorry you are feeling down today, Scout. The Facebook profile pic change always hurt me too. I found it’s so much better to stay away from social media when you are dealing with this stuff and simply do not check up on H.
I’m going to be honest with you, your husband is having an affair. A hotel charge at 11pm, AND he verbally stated he wants to sleep with other people. That’s what you are dealing with Scout. Do you think he would actually be honest if you were to ask about the hotel charge? I’ve never seen an honest cheater.
I think you should start by acknowledging the truth so you can begin dealing with things and healing yourself.
Thanks Thornton. I unfriended him ages ago and don’t go looking at his profile. I noticed the change when he messaged me on FB about our son. It’s actually a blessing in disguise because the old wedding profile pic would cause me some anxiety whenever it popped up. The new one is more innocuous.
To be honest, I expected that he’d be having an affair since he explicitly stated he didn’t want to be faithful during the trial separation. In his mind, the marriage was over at BD, right? So it’s not an affair and he hasn’t done anything wrong. And now that he knows I’ve been on a date, it probably legitimises whatever he’s done. There’s a slight difference between a casual lunch and sticking your dick in someone while still legally married, but that’s just my opinion.
So nothing to be gained by confronting him? It just sickens me that he’s so cheerful and oblivious now as though life just goes on after this minor speed bump. Meanwhile I’m still lying flat on the road where he ran me over.
I could have written those words Scout. My XH is the same way. This time last year we had only been “separated” for a week and he was already eating Thanksgiving Dinner with his OW and our kids and lying to my face about it saying she was just a roommate and they barely knew each other...that the rental market was so bad he had to stay with a virtual stranger. Stuck to that story after I confronted him numerous times with that annoying used-car-salesman tone of voice. Poor sad DejaVu that you would suspect this of me when clearly I am telling you the truth. It is amazing how they can twist things in their minds so you look like the one with the problem. It wasn’t until they bought a house, went on a vacation and got engaged (found out that part later from her) that he finally admitted it. Even then I had to practically beat it out of him (figuratively, of course).
Even though I am mostly over it, it still makes me sick thinking about how he played me for all that time. And now he wants an award for being the father he should have been for all those years he ignored us. It’s disgusting. 99.9% of the time, I choose to think about other things but that 0.1% of the time, it still really bothers me. And now that I am seeing someone, he thinks he is home free... He’s happy...that’s all that matters. How someone can be happy destroying a family and parenting his kids 50% of the time and someone else’s kids 100% of the time, is beyond me. But somehow he does it and he thinks he is justified. His OW does too. She actually had the gall to text me and defend him saying he’s being a great dad and a partner [to her] “now”. Like I was supposed to be happy it. She’s as delusional as he is.
Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to have as little to do with him as possible. The family thing is tough - especially when there are kids involved. No matter how big of an a$$ he is being, his parents and his sister are still your son’s grandparents and aunt. My advice would be to include them as much as you can without compromising your own health/sanity. Maybe you can send them pictures and updates some other way...directly to their emails or on messenger without doing the group chat thing? I’m sure they would understand you not participating in the same way given the situation. I wouldn’t bother with a goodbye letter as it isn’t like you will never have anything to do with them again. You are still the mother of their grandson/nephew and that will never change. I’m sure they are upset about the separation and just don’t know what to say to you. My XH’s family has been great. His cousins have kept in contact with me and have commented how impressed they are with the level of integrity I’ve shown. Most of them are incredulous about it all and can’t believe how open he is on Facebook about his new life...as if no one recalls he was married this time last year to someone else. He looks like a complete a$$ and like you said about your H, he is oblivious to it. Maybe ignorance really is bliss???
Despite everything, however, keep in mind that you are going to have to co-parent with him for the rest of your son’s childhood so you do have to maintain as positive of a relationship as you can with him...for the sake of your son. It takes a lot of self control and mental olympics to do it but the better you are at it, the better off your son will be. You want him to be able to look back on his life and have good memories of his parents regardless of what happened between the two of you. He will look at the situation with adult eyes one day and you want him to be able to say that his mom did everything in her power to make things okay for him. If it were up to me, I would never lay eyes on my XH again but I don’t have that luxury so I keep my focus on my kids and what they need from me. They need me to be okay with them loving their dad so when I see him, I smile and we have pleasant, cooperative exchanges. And every once in awhile, I actually forget what a complete jerk he was to me and we share a laugh and I remember that things weren’t always this way and I think he does too. Those moments are bittersweet, to say the least.
Anyway...I hope this didn’t feel like a highjack. I didn’t mean to write so much about my sitch. I just wanted to lend you some support and let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. There are many of us out there who feel the same way as you and have been where you are at now. I promise it will get easier with time if you keep the focus on you and your child. (((HUGS)))
To be honest, I expected that he’d be having an affair since he explicitly stated he didn’t want to be faithful during the trial separation. In his mind, the marriage was over at BD, right? So it’s not an affair and he hasn’t done anything wrong.
I agree. By announcing he wouldn't be faithful during the trial separation, he's not a cheater, just a donkey's backside! I don't know what you'd gain by confronting him. ((HUGS)) too!
Anyway...I hope this didn’t feel like a highjack. I didn’t mean to write so much about my sitch. I just wanted to lend you some support and let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. There are many of us out there who feel the same way as you and have been where you are at now. I promise it will get easier with time if you keep the focus on you and your child. (((HUGS)))
Deja, don't apologise for sharing your point of view, I loved reading your wise words. Just knowing we aren't alone on this journey is invaluable. I have reread your post several times and I'm still reflecting on it, so thank you for sharing your experience with me.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I agree. By announcing he wouldn't be faithful during the trial separation, he's not a cheater, just a donkey's backside! I don't know what you'd gain by confronting him. ((HUGS)) too!
Yesterday I went to my massage therapist. I met her through my H as her husband and daughter both work for the same company as H, and they all know him well. He is a manager of a local store and the daughter is his assistant manager. I was shocked to hear the following information from her:
- H has been outright lying to his staff and colleagues saying we were still together when they'd already heard through the grapevine that he left me. They are pissed off and feel that they can't trust him anymore - if he lied about something like that, what else will he lie about? - H has angry outbursts at work where he yells at staff, locks himself in his office and throws stuff around/breaks stuff - H is not well-liked or respected and has a reputation for being slick and slimy - his nickname is Mr Teflon ie. nothing sticks to him - H goes out partying and hangs out with all the 18 year old casual workers in his store - he is 29 - Several of his staff are suspicious that his motorbike that was stolen from outside his store was actually an insurance fraud scam (!) - One of his staff members he crashed with for a week to play video games ended up kicking him out after two days because he didn't clean up his mess or help around the house - Another manager contacted HR to ask if he should reach out to H when he heard that we were separated and was told "don't bother, he left her"
I was honestly so sad to hear all that. H put so much pride in his reputation and it sounds like he's completely trashed it. Work was always so important to him; he has been with the same company the entirety of our 9 year relationship and was on leadership programs from a young age as he showed so much promise. It seems like he no longer has the respect of his staff, his peers, or his higher-ups. He is just self-imploding/self-destructing, and regardless of the pain he's caused me, my heart aches for him.
Scout, I'm just kind of catching up,and it seems like you've gotten a lot of good advice. Regarding sharing pictures, share or not, depending on what YOU want to do. Don't even consider what he'd think. If you want to share them, do. If not, don't. It's all part of detachment.
It doesn't seem unusual for the walkaway spouse's life to implode. Like all of a sudden they are 12, and don't understand their actions have consequences. Exercise a little caution, because often they blame you. All of us here understand how completely irrational that is, but there you go.
Chin up. You're doing great.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
