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A Message from Michele
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Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868270
10/14/19 07:51 PM
10/14/19 07:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 157
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LovingIt Offline
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LovingIt  Offline
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Posts: 157
I'm still a newbie, and still work in progress myself...

But it's not just MWD that suggests letting go, NC, and work on self improvement. If you research on the internet, lots of relationship / marriage coaches suggest very similar things dealing with ex's or marriages on the brink... at a certain point of WS's emotional state, pursuing them will come off as needy, and will just push them away and lower your value.

It's sound advice, and it's never bad to give time/space and self-improve.


Last edited by LovingIt; 10/14/19 07:57 PM.
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868276
10/14/19 08:37 PM
10/14/19 08:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,589
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,589
We give advice based on our experience, research and 100s of situations we have seen on this board. Youíre welcome to take the advice or not. Most donít and then have setbacks.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: LH19] #2868280
10/14/19 08:57 PM
10/14/19 08:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
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Many worries Offline
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Many worries  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by LH19
We give advice based on our experience, research and 100s of situations we have seen on this board. You’re welcome to take the advice or not. Most don’t and then have setbacks.


Huh? I disagree. What is a setback? something that YOU deem a setback? That's foolish. If 90% o the WAS are already out the door, the idea of a setback is meaningless. You Dig.

It still doesn't make you an expert on anyone's situation.

Last edited by Many worries; 10/14/19 08:58 PM.
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868286
10/14/19 09:35 PM
10/14/19 09:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline
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Posts: 238
unchien sometimes the only way to save something is to let it go. The divorce is to protect you, your finances, and your rights regarding the children. Divorce doesn't have to mean you are closing the door on your wife.

I have so much respect for all the veterans on here, but really, why in the world are you letting Many worries bait you? This is unchien's thread and we should continue to offer the best advice we can and let unchien decide what is best for him.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868419
10/16/19 11:05 AM
10/16/19 11:05 AM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 694
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IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 694
Hey U -

Sorry you're struggling so much, man. This is a very difficult situation to be in, where decisions that would otherwise not be such a big deal have huge consequences. It is the nature of the beast.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is impossible to know of any other outcome in life because there are an infinite number of variables. It is not possible to know what could have been. I think once you accept that, you will find a lot of the angst and unsettled feeling inside will pass.

Of course, I say this while I am in a period of personal (relative) calm, but I too will also be in upheaval again. The thing is to realize that these moments will eventually pass.

Remember this isn't about you. You are not the one who initiated this. While you are changing for the better, there is no single thing you did or did not do that precipitated all of this. Could you have been a better husband? Could I? Could o have communicated better? Yes, naturally. But you care enough about your R to continually work on it, and you did what you thought was the best thing to do at that time.

As far as "taking advice" is concerned, I follow the motto "do what works". We are all here because we want help. People are very kind to offer their take on similar situations. Not every sit will follow the same pattern, they are all unique. There will be many common denominators in all of our MRs, but it is up to us to decide what advice to implement and how to do so.

Take care buddy smile

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: IronWill] #2868423
10/16/19 12:04 PM
10/16/19 12:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 531
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DaB35 Offline
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Posts: 531
Hi U

I agree with IronWill above. All of us are in very difficult situations, and each one is unique with its own problems and peaks and troughs.

Originally Posted by IronWill

It is impossible to know of any other outcome in life because there are an infinite number of variables. It is not possible to know what could have been. I think once you accept that, you will find a lot of the angst and unsettled feeling inside will pass


This is very true. There are lots of 'could have beens' or 'might have beens'. For me, maybe my wife and I stayed happy forever. Or she could have cheated on me. Or she could've just upped and left in ten years' time when we were both in our 40s. The discord you're feeling is absolutely normal, and will smooth over in time.

Originally Posted by IronWill

You are not the one who initiated this. While you are changing for the better, there is no single thing you did or did not do that precipitated all of this. Could you have been a better husband? Could I? Could I have communicated better? Yes, naturally. But you care enough about your R to continually work on it, and you did what you thought was the best thing to do at that time.


Again, very true for so many of us here on the board. I admit what my shortcomings in my M and R were. I'm addressing them now and am reaping the rewards along with my friends and family. Sadly a WAS won't enjoy the fruits of the LBS' hard work, but you know what? Their choice, their loss. That's how I feel now. I felt guilty about having that stance at the beginning, but not any more.

With regard to advice, I appreciate all advice on this board when it is given to me. Understandably, some advice may not be practical or not even be possible depending on an individual's circumstances. You just go with the advice that you feel is most appropriate to your arrangements, and that is fine.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868436
10/16/19 03:12 PM
10/16/19 03:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,695
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
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I, for one, found this forum too late although Iím not sure I would have saved my marriage had I found it sooner. Surely the things I did do in the beginning were contrary to what I would have been advised to do and my marriage fast tracked to divorce. What this forum DID DO, is save my sanity and show me that I was not alone in my plight. It helped me find me again and the people who had gone down a similar path before me were beacons of hope in what was otherwise a very hopeless place.

I donít pretend to know what is the right answer for others but I do know that once a spouse has gotten to the point of wanting out, there is not a lot that is going to change his or her mind. It took too much for them to get to that point and they have likely been thinking about it for years. In my sitch, my XH had been working towards it for four years and was well into living a second life with someone else. I was just loose ends to him that needed to be tied up with as little drama as possible. This board helped me to minimize the drama which I did...for my kids. If the recommended approach is not for you, MW, then feel free to go elsewhere. Maybe there is a board out there that supports a different approach that feels better to you?

Sorry for the hijack U. Just wanted to add my two cents.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868519
10/16/19 11:24 PM
10/16/19 11:24 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Hey U,

How you doing right now buddy? I'm sorry to hear you've been doing it tough recently. Don't beat yourself up and 2nd guess whether you've done the right thing or DB'd enough. You're one of the best new generation DB'ers here mate!

Cheers D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868677
10/17/19 09:51 PM
10/17/19 09:51 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,516
U
unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,516
Thanks everyone for checking in on my sitch. Work has picked up and I had the kids a lot recently, so haven't spent much time on the forums. I also haven't had much happen significantly. W and I are going to counseling next week so I expect to be posting again - this will be our first real discussion about next steps.

As for now, I'm treating my situation as a holding pattern. We are spending down money, but it's not the end of the world. And I feel like it would be unwise for me to start trying to press my W into discussions without a 3rd party mediator (or counselor) present.

So I spend a lot of time validating, letting little things slide, and mostly trying to keep a PMA and maintain friendliness. A couple weeks ago I slipped into some emotional discussions with her that did no good. I have a little voice of doubt telling me that I am being conflict avoidant right now, but for the most part I think this is the right approach. I know things will get tough when we start negotiating. I suspect she is also being conflict avoidant and enjoying the relative calm.

It's hard to avoid that knee-jerk defensive instinct, because she often implies that D is something that I wanted. There's really no point arguing, though. With a couple weeks hindsight now, I have some distance, and I realize it's just not worth my energy.

There was a situation with S7 last weekend that irritated me, where I thought my W was maybe playing a little emotional tug of war with him, but I took a step back and realized (a) it's possible that I was wrong about what happened; (b) I had no control over the situation; and (c) I am feeling closer to my kids post-separation, so I must be doing something right.

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2868718
10/18/19 03:53 AM
10/18/19 03:53 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 184
NYC
S
SteveS Offline
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SteveS  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 184
NYC
Originally Posted by unchien
Thanks everyone for checking in on my sitch. Work has picked up and I had the kids a lot recently, so haven't spent much time on the forums. I also haven't had much happen significantly. W and I are going to counseling next week so I expect to be posting again - this will be our first real discussion about next steps.

As for now, I'm treating my situation as a holding pattern. We are spending down money, but it's not the end of the world. And I feel like it would be unwise for me to start trying to press my W into discussions without a 3rd party mediator (or counselor) present.

So I spend a lot of time validating, letting little things slide, and mostly trying to keep a PMA and maintain friendliness. A couple weeks ago I slipped into some emotional discussions with her that did no good. I have a little voice of doubt telling me that I am being conflict avoidant right now, but for the most part I think this is the right approach. I know things will get tough when we start negotiating. I suspect she is also being conflict avoidant and enjoying the relative calm.

It's hard to avoid that knee-jerk defensive instinct, because she often implies that D is something that I wanted. There's really no point arguing, though. With a couple weeks hindsight now, I have some distance, and I realize it's just not worth my energy.

There was a situation with S7 last weekend that irritated me, where I thought my W was maybe playing a little emotional tug of war with him, but I took a step back and realized (a) it's possible that I was wrong about what happened; (b) I had no control over the situation; and (c) I am feeling closer to my kids post-separation, so I must be doing something right.


Good stuff, U. The holding pattern is brutal, so kudos to you for fighting through it.


Me: 37, WAW: 32
T: 7.5, M: 2.25
NYC
BD: 5/19/19, S: 6/21/19
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