My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7

[DS9]

Can anyone take us to the WAS mindset link from Another Stander that Ovr refers to above please? I couldnt find it. Ta

[BluWave]

Ovr,

I appreciate your openness and honesty. It takes courage and strength. I think it is more than a lot of us are able to share here .... Hope all is well with you. I am glad you still update and advise others. You offer a very balanced and open-minded perspective.

Best,
Blu

[ovrrnbw]

I've always been of the thought that my recon was a tentative one. Lately I've questioned myself a lot, and whether I have the skills needed to make a meaningful change in the way I act. I've tried to step out there and do things I didn't want to do, but that I thought would be good for my marriage.

I don't want to type my traditional long winded post. W's parents are pretty well off, and her dad runs a bunch of older trucks for plowing snow. I have told them for a while that I don't want to plow snow anymore. I got sucked into last year for one day, but it was 21 hours straight in the car. It [censored]. I screwed up something for the inlaws on Friday. I am an insurance agent and there was a problem yesterday getting insurance on their plow trucks, which I did not forsee.

Now the snow is here and they need me to plow and I really don't want to. Argument ensues, W takes her parents' side, and she wants a divorce again. I'm upset. I'm wondering how much a person can really love you and honor their commitment when this is "all it takes". But I know this seems like a much bigger deal to W. When I didn't spring to my feet to help her, there wasn't much I could do to recover in her mind/heart.

I was in a bad spot emotionally throughout this talk with the W. She reminds me how her dad has offered a lot of help (free or discounted) to us over the years when building houses, working on the barn we are currently building.

Now I have to talk to the inlaws further in regards to the insurance stuff I messed up for them on these plow trucks, and I probably owe it to them to go plow snow. This should make for a fun day. Guess I need to go back to basics.

Thanks for reading, I hope I can get some support here.

[job]

I am so sorry that things went south the other day on the insurance. Go over there and advise them of the insurance issue and look them in the eye and be yourself. They will either get mad or be understanding, but at least you would have told them in person.

As for plowing snow, I would also discuss this w/them and tell they you do not want to do it this year. Give them a valid reason as to why you don't and then leave it w/them to figure things out. Yes, they've helped you out in the past and you've done the same w/them. No says that you need to "owe" them your time off from your regular job.

Your w will use any means to control your situation. She is now most likely using the plowing as an excuse for divorce. Don't give her that power. She's looking for any excuse to scream divorce and no matter how much you do for her and the inlaws, it will never be enough in your wife's eyes. Holding a threat of divorce over your head is her way of controlling you. Take back your power!

There comes a time that you need to take care of you and do the things that you want to do in life. I think that if you are honest w/the inlaws about the plowing, they will understand. They may get miffed about it, but they will get over it at some point.

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks for responding Job. That was a tough hour or so for me. I had a couple ups and downs emotionally that day, but I have become adept at handling those now and I know how to pull out of the nosedives.

I was driving to work this morning, through the winding woods from my semi rural subdivision into the suburbs where I have my office. It's unseasonably warm, we had Christmas dinner on the patio last night. I am thinking to myself, should I talk to my W about her threatening divorce a couple weeks ago? I have lots of thoughts like this, where I am looking to her for the answer, hoping it will be one that I want to hear. It hit me this morning that there is just no sense in worrying about that. My time and my mind is better spent deciding for myself how to think, feel, and act about all of these issues.

I love her still, but our love is not the same. I'm not 100% comfortable with all the thing I used to love to do like act goofy, call her pet names, or tell her my deepest fears. But I'm actually telling myself every day that I'm going to do the right thing in every situation. I'm not going to say sorry as part of my daily routine (thanks Hoosjim), and I won't need to either. Anyways, what I realized this morning is that it doesn't matter what she says for the most part, I can carve my own path here. I'm going to do that and let the chips fall where they may.

She's looking for any excuse to scream divorce and no matter how much you do for her and the inlaws, it will never be enough in your wife's eyes.

Now I'm not sure that she is looking for any excuse to scream divorce, this is the first time it's been mentioned since March and this is not a serious mention IMO. I do agree that no matter what we do for the in laws that it will never be enough in W's eyes. I agree in empowering myself as well. I'm thinking I'll tell the FIL just one on one that I can't do it, I have my own business to look after and to leave me and my W out of it. That will be the hardest part for the inlaws, not telling my W that. But hey, let the chips fall where the will and all that.

On another note, W has been talking about having kids. Obviously I gave her a WTF look after her divorce threat. Then she brought it up a few more times and I just told her I don't think we are ready, it would be at least a year or two. She didn't like it. The truth hurts sometimes.

Everyone who went through a tough Christmas - it gets better. It gets a lot better when you decide you are ready for it to get better. Attitude, thoughts, actions, feelings. Thanks for all the support everyone.

[BluWave]

(((Ovr)))

What impresses me the most about your sitch -- and you know I went back and read every post -- is YOU and how much YOU have grown. I know that we often measure success on if the S comes back, and how the M is being restored, etc, etc. I still firmly believe that successful DBing is less about saving the M and more about saving our self. You are a person that has done a lot of self reflection and self growth. I can tell in your writings -- not just here, but also to other people. You have a very good understanding of boundaries, communication, patience and what to let go of.

Maybe I have said this to you before, if not, I have certainly thought it; I am more concerned for her than for you. I don't see that she has owned her own cr-p in the same way that you have. She hasn't demonstrated (or you have wrote about it) an ability to look inward, admit her wrong doings, and then commit to how she can make amends and change. She also has these stubborn knee jerk reactions, and while that can be normal for anyone, she has this way of putting you down or treating you as if you are less than. I worry she doesn't respect you.

I can see some of my previous self in her. When my H came back, I was quite nasty to him on/off for years. It came out in my moments of frustration. He would ask me "do you even like me?" or "do you even respect me?" And I hated that. I hated it because he had a point. I was still bitter. .... There was nothing he could do to help me through that. He sort of DBs by nature and has continued on over the last 5 years trying his best. .... I have had to self reflect and sort out my own mess and it hasn't been easy.

My fear for her is that if she doesn't start making some changes, you will grow tired of this. You have been patient and forgiving. You are owning your mistakes. She will have to do the same for this to work out in the long run. I hope she can. .... I am soooo glad you are waiting on having kids. For most couples, having kids is when everything becomes a challenge!

Happy holidays~
Blu

[KristinG]

Ovr,

That's some heavy convos to have with the inlaws. You can do it. Job is absolutely right. You have your own business and stuff to take care of, and if you don't want to plow, it is OK to say no. Let the chips fall where they may. I hope you and W had a good Christmas together and I hope that she starts to let down some walls and re-establish intimacy. It seems like from your recent update that you both have some walls up and are scared to connect on a deep, emotional level. You're working on your own issues, but I truly hope that she begins to dig deep and do the same. Happy Holidays!

KG

[ovrrnbw]

R2C,

please start a new quote thread.

I wanted to add one.

Thanks,

[ovrrnbw]

Hello all,

I can't believe I haven't updated my thread in this long. I made it through my BD anniversary with little fanfare this year and I've been on DB forums for almost 2 years now. I wonder if I should move my thread out of newcomers. I'm still going to IC weekly, though we meet virtually as of late. I hired my first employee in January, and she quit a month later (she said I didn't pay quickly enough - roughly 5 days after end of pay period - but I wonder if she didn't get a better job or decided not to work as she was pregnant). W was baby crazy back in January and February. I told her I would need at least another year before I'd be ready.

My impetus to post tonight is another argument with my W. I've been in a rut of bad behavior since her birthday in early March. Not horrible, just less than good. She's more critical than she was years ago. I don't trust her perspective of what I'm doing. I've been asking her for help and not getting it. I'm not allowed to get mad, she has an explanation and everything I am upset about is either me being too emotional or I've forgotten something. I know I can be emotional. I have plenty of stuff going on in my life, I know I forget things. But I am at this strange point where every time she forgets something, I want to rub her face in it.

Anyways, after seeing a cool video linked by R2C I found a book called The Inner Citadel by Pierre Hadot. It is a study of Marcus Aurelius and stoicsim and I enjoy it and the history. The "ancients" who were philosophers were much more determined to live their philosophy than to talk about it. That's my goal too. But here I am looking for outside perspective on where to go and how to proceed.

My BIL and SIL have been staying with us, 1 week at the end of March, and now again since last Monday. They live in Chicago and decided it would be better here...I am tired of them being here but things aren't real bad or anything and it is a little change of pace so there's some good to it as well.

A couple weeks ago I asked my W to come to my office because I had some work she could help me catch up on. She declined as her sister was in town. I told her this even today, that I ask for help and don't get it but you ask for help and it's a must. She is always asking about me sleeping in or going to work late and giving me trouble over this. It gets tiring hearing this every week. Our barn wedding venue is coming along, should be finished with construction in the next couple of weeks. My W has no problems asking me for helping on this - it is our thing but she is leading the charge. Obviously this frustrates me as she can ask for help but not reciprocate. Just tonight, she was helping me with dinner but told me she had to stop helping so she could text her softball girls and line up lessons for tomorrow. Within 5 minutes she was talking about facebook and instagram stuff and I'm like what the hell.

We make it through dinner fine and I hear the instant pot is still on so I go to turn it off. I grab some candy and W wants ice cream. I don't want to give her ice cream so I started cleaning up the kitchen and headed to the bathroom after. I can hear my W fuming about me stomping my feet. This leads to our argument a little later. I told myself going into the talk that this isn't the end of the world, yet she ramped up the volume, tone, and language and there we were with me the bad guy. She says I can't see it, I'm being out of line. I know I have a bias here but I'm trying to be cool. I walked out of the room after a while to go workout in the basement, as our conversation was going nowhere.

So here we are, another book by your (hopefully) good friend Overtherainbow. I chose that name bc I thought I'd only find my marriage somewhere over the rainbow but MWD and you guys and gals here have really helped me out. I thank everyone for contributing. I consider leaving this whole R behind a lot lately. Of course, I vowed forever, so this is not under serious consideration. But things just aren't great right now in my R. They're great with business, I'm hoping that keeps going. I miss the gym. I've been going 3-5 times per week for over 20 years now. My dog is great. She is 1.5 years old and really started to figure out this bird hunting game as the fall and winter passed. I'm hoping to get some outside advice and perspective here and reset myself mentally and retool into the PMA, detached, thoughtful person.

[LH19]

OB,

Sounds like she’s a taker and has lack of respect for you. As long as you have the death til we part attitude I’m not sure there is anything you can do about it.