Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3

[CanBird]

I have not had the courage to contact H. Family & friends have been asking about him; his whereabouts at sea and his return from work. Only he knows. End of season at sea is near or has happened.

Normally I wouldn't hesitate to contact him. So why am I so hesitating now?

[job]

You can be honest and say that your h hasn't been in contact w/you in quite a while and that you do not know when he will return from work as the end of the season may vary from year to year.

I think you have some fear going on within yourself. You may be hesitant to contact him for fear of what he may or may not say. If you are thinking of contacting him because of his family bugging you, don't do it. If you are wanting to let him know about his child or anything of an emergency nature, then by all means do so. You are not your in-laws' messenger and they can certainly text him directly if they want to know something. Your h is a big boy and he can decide whether or not he wants to respond back to them.

[CanBird]

You can be honest and say that your h hasn't been in contact w/you in quite a while and that you do not know when he will return from work as the end of the season may vary from year to year.

I think you have some fear going on within yourself. You may be hesitant to contact him for fear of what he may or may not say. If you are thinking of contacting him because of his family bugging you, don't do it. If you are wanting to let him know about his child or anything of an emergency nature, then by all means do so. You are not your in-laws' messenger and they can certainly text him directly if they want to know something. Your h is a big boy and he can decide whether or not he wants to respond back to them.

Thank you Job. I agree that it is up to H to decide if he'll be a big boy and respond to family and friends. I'm not his keeper or messenger.

Definitely have fear going on. It's been 7 months since I've physically seen him before his season started.

Standing strong for me.

[peacetoday]

Can

Its a scary place
You love him, you want to save the M
You have a d
He is silent, not moving in any direction yet
I think if you wait a bit longer you will know more
It takes them a while to make a real move
but it wont stay stagnant forever
you probably scared to know what he will do
and if he has changed his mind
we are here for you

[WMLC]

Hang in there, Can. Regardless of what happens (much of which you don't control), you've got this.

[CanBird]

Can

Its a scary place
You love him, you want to save the M
You have a d
He is silent, not moving in any direction yet
I think if you wait a bit longer you will know more
It takes them a while to make a real move
but it wont stay stagnant forever
you probably scared to know what he will do
and if he has changed his mind
we are here for you

Thank you Peace. After replying to Job, I heard my favorite song playing. Love when the universe sends signals like that. Then at lunch, a fortune cookie with an uplifting message. Whatever gets you through. It's comforting knowing you and others are here.

Yes, a lot of what you said is true. I'm sure he's scared too.

[CanBird]

Hang in there, Can. Regardless of what happens (much of which you don't control), you've got this.

Thanks W. Yes, when going through this I've needed to remind myself that I have no control over what he does. For me, I think about my spouse in MLC like someone who has an addiction. They are not themselves. Only they know the solution. They have to hit bottom in order to resurface.

D3 was at soccer & after drills the coached mentioned she kept saying, "I got this! I got this!" Like daughter, like mother.

Yes we Can

[CanBird]

Journal: Step-MIL tx again about H. "blah blah blah...Is 'he' home yet?" I did not ignore her this time. My reply was, "...I haven't heard anything...blah blah blah".

Basically, I answered the question honestly and went on in detail about other things going on, to steer away from the subject of H., and I did well. Mission accomplished. I'm blown away she didn't say more. Seem odd, as she's the type to press for information. Maybe she knows something and is playing dumb/waiting for me to say something? Whatever. But really, I'm surprised she didn't ask more questions. Her H, and my H, father & son, are SO much alike. FIL and her where having difficulties in the past & the D word came up from her. FIL has made changes, he seems happier. She seems in mlc..! Hug tattoo, hair extensions, working out more, facial treatments, a second job. Interesting to see how their marriage is. They've been together 17 years, married less than 5 years.

Family is the hard to deal with sometimes and we'll be spending Turkey Time together soon! Other inquiring minds include on my side of the family I can deal with, and use the same tactics. With friends, same thing. Tx from not so close friends, H friends, I sometimes ignore or have said, "I'm not sure, only he really knows what's going on".

And yes, only he knows.

[CanBird]

Anniversary, B-Day & Thanksgiving. All three of these are coming up this month.

It's not the first time I've been without husband for these occasions. Excluding Turkey day, the past I've only ever ask for a card, a very specific type. H knows and he's always made me tear up happy tears. When he's been gone, he'd arrange for the neighbor to deliver something for me. I got nothing on Mother's Day; but I'm not his mom..lol.. I'm not expecting anything. I'd be a fool to think otherwise.

So This Turkey Trip, was booked by my FIL, for me, D3 & H!?!? I got my itinerary, didn't notice H on it for days! H got the same itinerary. Did he see it? FIL & Step-MIL have the itinerary. No one had said,"Hey! Did you notice H has a ticket?". I'm playing dumb. FIL made that booking, made that choice. I have no idea if he was in contact with H or not.

We'll see how this bird cooks up!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

Good for you answering step-MIL about H and upcoming Turkey Day.

It's not an emergency, but it's bothering me. In laws. Firstly, I love them bunches. I've been avoiding the questions about him, dodging as best I can. Now I'm at the point where I'm shutting off my phone. I'm afraid they may call! Then what?

FILs wife is asking me about H, texting me. She usually does more of the communicating, rather than FIL, and that's all good. I turned my phone off because I don't know what to tell them.

Stress and fear are difficult to reason out. Shutting off the phone will postpone things for a while, but as you said, then what.

In my case XW spilled her guts at the Turkey Day Diner Table, right after the meal, in front of me, kids, and parents. She then threw us all away and moved out with her boyfriend. Nice and quick, 3 hours from start to finish. What a night.

Over the next weeks she flaunted her new relationship around town, and a separation agreement was reached in two months.

For my situation, everyone knew. And that was so very helpful. I am an open honest guy. If this had just been delivered to me, and I was attempting to keep it contained to just a few people or none - I’d have gone crazy.

There is validity in not spreading things far and wide. Paving the way home, not placing boulders in the MLCer’s path (they will do plenty of damage on their own, and LBS doesn’t need to add to it), and acting as if.

And there is validity in being true to yourself, being open, reaching out. Which, in all openness take time to realize since one’s feelings and thoughts are all over the place during the first while.

With everyone knowing what happened, and XW telling everyone and more, I had no problem reaching out for, and receiving support. This particular situation also quickly sorted out where “our” friends stood, and which side of the fence they were on.

It also brought to fruition the in-laws loyalties rather quickly, more than would normally happen. Actually, just about everything was quicker than normal.

In-laws are the spouse’s family. They will choose the MLCer. XW’s parents tossed her aside when she was 18, just as she did to her kids. In-laws for me are the aunts and uncles and so on - her parents came out of the woodwork for our wedding and then disappeared again; 28 years her parent never spoke to her or I or their grandkids.

Separation and divorce really changes the landscape with relationship to family and in-laws. Choices and made, and well beyond our control, and lines do get drawn. My in-laws do not contact me or my children, going on two years now.

Where was I going with all this.

Do not be afraid to do what is right for you. Family, in-laws, friends, people, will all choose their own paths - and you cannot control what they do. However, you can control what you do. You can choose. You do choose (in case you actually don’t realize that - you do choose, and at first a lot of that choice is under the surface and goes unnoticed).

You can choose to tell more about what is going on. It has both benefit and possible detriment. I think the detriment is more in how and how much you tell of the situation. The benefits are pretty evident; people know and realize what your going through and where you are at. Those that stick around will be there for you, and you can lean on them in times of need. It is also nice to be more open and not so guarded or fearing a phone call.

In my first weeks and months, with no secrets, and a wife running about with another man telling everyone all of her new life and my flaws (yikes, lol, wow still shake my head, and now laugh about it) - I had much rejection. I was rejected by W, friends, in-laws, and people on the street. Time sorts out. Fear, stress, and pressure - you get through it. So much pressure I should be made of diamond after those months.

I believe in following your gut; your intuition.

One’s intuition has been a good steady guide throughout their lives. It gets reinforced and modified as life progresses.

However, this situation you find yourself in is highly counterintuitive. Your intuition regarding H is not very helpful - H is behaving like a different person, and you intuitively “feel” him as the same. Our deep beliefs of our loving partner, beliefs that have been built upon years of behaviour, both our’s and their’s, are at this moment (and going to be for some time) not valid. It takes time for the LBS to modify their internal belief and intuition to this new normal.

Following one’s gut is what always worked. It’s who we are. It’s the summation of all our parts. How can it be so wrong? We need time to realize what has happened. Time to accept what has happened. Time to do the inner work, make choices of better not bitter, modify our beliefs and intuition.

During this time, the LBS must rely on their logic and reason, more than their intuition. One needs to be the their intellectual car more. Intellect does not have feeling, nor distraction of emotions. It is the sword that clears the path towards detachment and indifference. It uncoupled us from fear and addiction. And is the first of our paths towards acceptance and forgiveness. We can control our thoughts, which influence our feelings, both of which influence our beliefs and intuition.

The itinerary booked by FIL is for you, D3, and H. Where are you all leaving from? Not an actual answer please - anonymous and all - I mean are you all leaving from home? The same city?

You don’t have to play dumb with FIL, or step-MIL, or anyone. Especially yourself. You are listening and modifying yourself with what you do and say.

Choices.

Do you want to go to FIL’s, to H’s Dad’s, for Turkey Day?

I am guessing you would like to go, but would like to know what the h is H doing.

For right now, today, if your ok with the upcoming visit - stay the course. Go with the flow, and keep expectations to zero.

As new information arises - and I’m pretty sure something is going to come up, H’s whereabouts needs to get discovered by the purchasers of his ticket - you can make further decisions. An opportunity to fill in some gaps with in-laws may seem more appropriate and properly timed to happen one of the next future conversations.

Live your life for you and D3. Focus on and protect you both. That is one of the most primary values and recommendations from those that have gone before. And it is very counterintuitive at first.

Do what is right for CanBird. And take the required time, and do the required work, to figure that out.

You are doing really well.

DnJ