Keeping posting to keep me sane...the good news is there a LOT of positions for the role I am looking for in my desired city (unlike current city, where this is exactly ONE). I am not sure whether I will actually be chosen for any of them, but it is encouraging to see that my field is in high demand. I am working to get applications submitted to any and all, as soon as possible. There a couple I think I at least have a real shot for. One happens to be with a company who shared a building with my old company. The thought of going back to work there is quite surreal.
So, I guess W is coming home tonight. I have no idea where she has been since getting off work. I assumed she would be gone until tomorrow after her last message. About an hour ago, she said, "Do you have a problem with me coming back tomorrow or do you prefer it like this?" She was the one who decided to leave, not my request. I simply said I have no problem. She replied "Okay well I'll come back tonight then. Do you want food on my way?"
If I'm honest, I do kind of prefer her gone. It helps me pretend she never existed. Will I ever not love her anymore? Or will I just forget that I do?
Come home she did. She looked awful, like she really did sleep in the car last night. Strangely, it seemed she wanted to make up for lost time. Hopped up onto the kitchen counter and started chatting to me about work. She talked for over an hour while I listened, laughed when she did, commented here and there. If I knew how long it would go on I would have pulled up a chair. In the beginning she asked what I did today and I told her I had applied for some jobs. Hopefully, she realizes I’m taking this seriously and she doesn’t need to be a crazy person sleeping in her car. It might take time, but I’m not squatting in the house in protest. Fingers crossed she has recovered a little patience, that would take away some of my panic.
I also still haven’t gotten any real A vibes. I didn’t see her phone once from the time she got home until she said she was going to bed. Maybe she really is just that miserable with me.
I hate the feeling like I can't do anything fun. I need to GAL. But I am just constantly finishing schoolwork so I can do more job research, cover letter writing etc. Tonight NHL season begins and I'm going to watch my team! Been waiting months for this and kinda bummed it's finally here on such a sour note, but o well.
So W made a point to say goodbye to me this morning and text me when she was coming home from work. Throughout the the day too about some documentation on an insurance claim from the move. Then she wants to know what's for dinner. Ahh...I am debating about my flight home. Sandi says I should go as soon her trip ends. I need to decide and book it one way or the other. Should I tell W I am leaving as soon as she returns and will be back the weekend before Halloween pending my employment status? I do feel it would be much easier job searching within state...I'm very torn. And it has nothing to do with trying to stay near W. I am really on board the move on train and if I could snap my fingers and have a new job and place right this second, I would. I want to get to that place where I probably don't even want R. Thoughts appreciated.
AS, you win your money on the bet about W and taking action for D. Friday is upon us and W is leaving straight from work to go to her family. Her sister's surgery went well and she is being discharged tomorrow. So W did not "go to the courthouse this week" as she claimed. Instead, her priorities seem to lie in going to the casino. I have not kept close tabs, but I believe she has spent about $1k there in the past 8 days since returning home. Not sure how she is going to even afford D at this rate.
Today, I got all gussied up to take some professional photos for my job search. W was quite curious about this. Wanted to help and I declined. I got a GREAT photo for my networking profiles and a boost of confidence. Slowly but surely I am putting one foot in front of the other.
I am really struggling with the expected yo yoing from W. As I stated in an earlier post, it was actually easier when she was huffing out the door refusing to sleep under the same roof. Now, she wants to help cook dinner, and come into "my" room to play me some new music she likes. Keep in mind, this is all happening within a few days time!! My mind has whiplash and I know none of this means anything. There's a part of me sitting bored on the sideline knowing I can do this whole distance pursuit dance and by the end of the month she'll be back in the bedroom. But by the end of next year, I'll be back here again. That is not what I want. I don't know if what I want is even possible. I'm hoping to get the call that there's a slot for me to start IC next week.
the good news is there a LOT of positions for the role I am looking for in my desired city (unlike current city, where this is exactly ONE). I am not sure whether I will actually be chosen for any of them, but it is encouraging to see that my field is in high demand. I am working to get applications submitted to any and all, as soon as possible. There a couple I think I at least have a real shot for. One happens to be with a company who shared a building with my old company. The thought of going back to work there is quite surreal.
Good luck, hopefully something comes up! It's got to be tough having to look for a job on top of everything else, I have been at the same job for almost 20 years and stayed in the same house but even with those things staying the same it seemed like my life went through some pretty radical changes after BD. Having to move and change jobs on top of that must feel surreal.
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If I'm honest, I do kind of prefer her gone. It helps me pretend she never existed. Will I ever not love her anymore? Or will I just forget that I do?
It does get easier after separation. It can be hell living in limbo under the same roof. Hard to detach, impossible to go dark.
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Hopefully, she realizes I’m taking this seriously and she doesn’t need to be a crazy person sleeping in her car. It might take time, but I’m not squatting in the house in protest.
You have your reasons, what she "thinks" isn't your problem. She's going to think what she wants, and possibly accuse you of some absurd stuff to try and get you to leave. That's her problem, not yours.
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Should I tell W I am leaving as soon as she returns and will be back the weekend before Halloween pending my employment status? I do feel it would be much easier job searching within state...I'm very torn. And it has nothing to do with trying to stay near W. I am really on board the move on train and if I could snap my fingers and have a new job and place right this second, I would. I want to get to that place where I probably don't even want R. Thoughts appreciated.
I would make plans as they suit you and keep W informed. Don't ask permission, just figure out what works for you and then let her know what you're doing just as a courtesy.
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AS, you win your money on the bet about W and taking action for D.
Wish I could say I have some special superpowers But some WAS actions are sooooo predictable.
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So W did not "go to the courthouse this week" as she claimed. Instead, her priorities seem to lie in going to the casino. I have not kept close tabs, but I believe she has spent about $1k there in the past 8 days since returning home.
Sounds like GGW stuff. If there's still not an OM I have a feeling there will be soon.
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As I stated in an earlier post, it was actually easier when she was huffing out the door refusing to sleep under the same roof. Now, she wants to help cook dinner, and come into "my" room to play me some new music she likes. Keep in mind, this is all happening within a few days time!! My mind has whiplash and I know none of this means anything.
It means your DB'ing is working! When you can remove all pressure this is typically what happens. It doesn't mean she wants to recon but it does mean she feels more comfortable around you and that is a good baby step!
Thanks, AS. It is extremely difficult job searching under these circumstances. Like I said, it's just one foot in front of the other.
I still don't have any clue about OM or lack there of. If it was while she was gone, which was when DB happened, then he isn't here now. And I haven't seen much texting or running off to hide and text. With all her drinking while away, I wonder if she didn't cheat like a one stand type thing. So no real A, but enough to cause BD because she would never admit to that and wouldn't want to live with the lie. But who knows, BD came about because I told her her integrity [censored] and how was I supposed to accept that. She literally had nothing to say in response...until she did and it was BD. I go back and forth on how much of it was my own distrust and paranoia stemming from last year and then her being gone, or if I was right to be seeing red flags and her behavior was across the line.
She left today and I assume will be gone until next Sunday. She sent me some weird message telling me she was leaving work and will let me know when she gets there, and that she will make sure to check on me every day to see that i'm alive. wtf? i didn't respond. I am keeping my communication with her in line with my detachment. I never contact her first and I always end the convo unless response is necessary. Even with this, it doesn't fail that we talk at least a few times per day by her initiation.
I went to the movies today to get out of the house. Honestly, it was kind of depressing but that was partly due to my movie choice. But it wasn't the same as GALing while meeting new people. I am trying to make new friends via an app but the lines are blurry between friendship and dating and I am kind of afraid to actually meet anyone. And in the back of my mind I am thinking it's all a waste of time because i'm trying to move away.
My anger at W is also still raging strong. Today I thought about when we left our house of two years overseas and how I felt very sad but also happy to let go of all the awful memories of IHS, hearing her on the phone with OM at 3am, all that misery. Now here I am in a new house I thought was our fresh start and instead she is asking if I can wash "her" bedding (guest bed) while she is gone. I wonder about all the work that needs to be done to prep for winter and if I should do it. If I am living here I will, but it's very hard when Ws words echoing through my head saying "**I** bought a house, you were just here." She dished out some deep cuts that night. I just want to wake up from this absolute nightmare.
My DB'ing seems to be going well. My W is very responsive to the basics of DB. This was very true last time and seems is again. As soon as I step back, she steps closer. She has texted me every day she has been gone and has been almost over-the-top nice. None of her contact is in any way necessary. I usually respond, not right away, and then let the conversation die pretty quickly. To then count the number of hours until she caves and texts again. And it never fails. So bizarre. It seems the basics do work, but I cannot get beyond that. I do not want to follow the same pattern as last time. Just because she wants to talk to me more and be nice again doesn't mean she has changed anything in regards to commitment or desire for the MR. The REAL DB work needs to be done to make true changes. And I just don't see it happening on her side. So I am trying to not give this too much thought and just focus on moving forward.
Meanwhile, W told me today that it doesn't matter to her when I go for my grandfather's funeral. This was after informing me out of the blue that if my flight was on Wed the 23rd, she would not be available to take me to the airport. I did not ask her for a ride, so I just took this as an excuse to text me. I did need to book my tickets though and based on her response that it didn't matter, I booked my tickets for only 3 days, the same as the rest of my family. If W wants a separation ASAP, we can find a way to make it work, but staying with my family for any length of time just isn't a solution. I would rather work two jobs or take out a loan. I really hate the limbo and wondering if she is still actively trying to push me out or not. It seems right now she is not, but that could change any second. I keep thinking about what Sandi said about her finding that I have not left. But here's the thing, I am here right now because she needs me to be. And she keeps emphasizing she is sorry to put this on me and how much she appreciates me staying with the dogs. So it is convenient for her that I am here this week, but next week it isn't so I should go? Frankly, it is never truly going to be convenient for her to not have me here. We had our first dumping of snow last night and I have no choice but to do the winter prep for the house. I do not know what she was planning if I had ran out the door the day of BD. But the fact is she cannot take care of all this herself and does not care to try. This is why I think it would actually be beneficial for me to leave her to it. And I do not want to continue putting my time and effort into something that isn't going to be mine. But right now, I am an owner of this house too and if I don't do all the work, no one will. Argh. W has also called to have a chimney repair done and seems to have no real concern about finances throughout all this. To be expected, I suppose.
I was wondering how many days it would be before W called instead of just texts...today was the day. I don't know if I am handling this correctly. DR pretty plainly says to accept any "warming up" in response to DB, but somehow what I have really learned here tells me I am doing something wrong with these interactions. Anyway, I answered the phone and W wanted to gossip about her family. She said it was too much to text and she was driving so this was better. So she shares the latest scandal and then vents about her sister who apparently has been very demanding in her need for care. She goes on and on about how irritating it is because her sister will say "I'm hungry" and expect her to bring her food, and she's like how the heck am I supposed to know what she wants?? Now, if you look back at many old posts between Sandi and I, you will see that this was a huge problem between her and I because she would do the exact same thing to me! I am sitting there thinking that to myself, and validating, "Yes that must be frustrating". And then I'm shocked because she comes out and acknowledges how she in fact does the same thing to me and says she how sorry she is for it! It wasn't some over the top big deal or anything, but very sincere and natural, and I almost fell out of my chair. I don't know where this behavior is coming from, but it seems positive overall. She is being very, very nice and get this, she is so annoyed with her sister, she is leaving as soon as possible, which means a day earlier than I expected. She says she can't wait to be home, and that she has a lot more to vent to me... I mostly just nodded along to all of this and then told her I had to go for dinner. I don't know what to do about friend zone and if I should be allowing her to vent to me or not.
Everyone always says DB is the same whether there is an A or not...but in this case, I feel like my response changes a lot depending if there is an OM. I still have zero intel whatsoever and no idea. So I think that's why I'm just not exactly sure what is appropriate and what isn't regarding my interaction with her.
A lot of the principles are the same but there is definitely a difference if there is an affair. What you want to do in these situations are listen and validate but cut it short. Always be the first to end the conversation. “Sorry I gotta run I have plans”. Don’t be rude or cold just don’t be available.
But some WAS actions are sooooo predictable.