Wife recently left...

[SteveLW]

Isa, sorry I missed you original post. Welcome to the board, and sorry you are dealing with a rough time.

There are a lot of red flags here.The cheating pre-marriage, and then burying it was a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode. You know that now. That you didn't deal with it very well at the time and therefore you've been carrying it around like an anchor ever since. IF you were asking advice pre-marriage I would tell you to not marry her nor adopt her kids. I am saying that mainly for new posters that may be dealing with something similar. Marriage is hard enough......but if you throw pre-marital cheating into the mix and it is easy to see how that can make for an insurmountable mountain.

Further, I've been in your shoes with this female friend. I know how easily confiding in each other can cross the line into an EA that can lead to a PA. Further, as you are seeing, it gave your W further ammunition to say "this ain't working, I am out."

You are right about her wanting you to file for D. This is typical WAS behavior. They want to go off and live the way they want to live, and live the heavy-lifting in the separation and D to the LBS. Your best bet, until you are ready to be D'd, is to just put your head down and keep DBing. Have you read DR? What other books are you reading? When I was in the throes of my sitch I was reading 2 to 3 books.....a week! I was combing the internet for additional information. Watching MWD videos, and videos by other pro-marriage experts. I become a sponged that soaked up as much information about marriage and divorce as I could!

You need to be GAL. Like crazy. Make it your mission to fill up every moment of every day doing productive things. Or fun things. Do not sit on the couch and stew in your situation. You admit that you have alienated yourself from others. Change that. Go out meet new people. Reignite old friendships (WITH MALES NOT FEMALES). When you are with your kids they get 100% of you, but when you keep yourself busy.

I would highly recommend IC. I see a lot of bad behaviors here. I see excuse making (I got hurt). I can see you excusing her behavior (I can see how she needed this older guy because I wasn't there, etc). I can see nice guy tendencies in your posts. DO some research on NGS, maybe look into the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. In general, concentrate on 180s and self-improvement. You will not be successful in a relationship, whether with your W or someone new, until you fix you! (And we were all there so please do not take this as an insult.)

Finally, work on detachment. Study what that means. Google "self-differentiation in marriage". Work on becoming a healthy individual. So many married people lose their own identity. Marriage is not about merging identities, it is about being a healthy individual as part of the union. People who give up who they are to be "married" will never end up in long-term wedded bliss. One or both spouses will eventually rebel against not being true to themselves.

Hang in there. Please read the "you will not die" thread. And all of the threads that Cadet linked to you above.