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A Message from Michele
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Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2867853
10/10/19 05:10 AM
10/10/19 05:10 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Scout,

How you doing?

You did well in a context of dealing with someone normal and rational, but you're not dealing with someone like that because you're in a parallel universe right now. Try to let his verbal spews wash over you.

I would have begun and ended the above dialogue with "I'll grab those keys thanks. Just leave them on the table please", then taken them and walked off and left him standing like an oaf in the front door. End of dialogue.

I know it's hard. If he says something to continue in leading up to a position where he can vent and rant against you, just stare at him with a face that speaks of disinterest and disdain (maybe even RBF), but say nothing. If you're caught up in it, repeat the word 'calm' over and over in your head whilst he's talking.

Good luck!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Separated [Re: DS9] #2867941
10/10/19 10:58 PM
10/10/19 10:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 227
Australia
S
scout12 Offline OP
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scout12  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 227
Australia
Originally Posted by DS9
Hey Scout,

How you doing?

You did well in a context of dealing with someone normal and rational, but you're not dealing with someone like that because you're in a parallel universe right now. Try to let his verbal spews wash over you.

I would have begun and ended the above dialogue with "I'll grab those keys thanks. Just leave them on the table please", then taken them and walked off and left him standing like an oaf in the front door. End of dialogue.

I know it's hard. If he says something to continue in leading up to a position where he can vent and rant against you, just stare at him with a face that speaks of disinterest and disdain (maybe even RBF), but say nothing. If you're caught up in it, repeat the word 'calm' over and over in your head whilst he's talking.

Good luck!


Hey, DS. I really appreciate your viewpoint on this. I read your thread and you are so calm and collected. Your advice is spot on. It is so hard when he is twisting things and making me out to be the bad guy, it drives me crazy! I'll try and be more mindful next time to gain back some control and respect.


W 31 | H 29
Together 8
Married 3
S2

BD | June '19
Separation | July '19
OW confirmed | October '19
I filed | December '19

Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2867968
10/11/19 04:54 AM
10/11/19 04:54 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 450
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DS9 Offline
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Posts: 450
Hey Scout. Pleasure! Thanks for reading my thread - its valuable to have a woman's perspective. Had a teeny bump this morning, whihc I've posted about. Let me know what you think. Cheers, D

Remember - Calm, calm, calm


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868173
10/13/19 10:44 PM
10/13/19 10:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 227
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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scout12  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 227
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H came over with a mutual friend to move the last of his stuff on the weekend. Well, ostensibly the last of it - as soon as he arrived he said he couldn't move everything today. I calmly (thanks DS) said I'm sorry, but that's not my problem. I need your stuff out today. He immediately went on the defensive saying that until I pay him the settlement money for the house, he can keep his stuff here as long as he wants. I said, I'm sorry, but that's not how that works. He kept arguing and blaming and said "you're obviously just in a problematic mood today".

Me: The only problem I have is dealing with the problems you cause with your insufficient communication. I'm fed up with being messed around when I've bent over backwards to coordinate this move with you. You make vague plans, don't stick to times, don't show up, don't keep me in the loop or respect my arrangements. If you wanted your stuff out, you should have taken it on Monday as per your original plan.

I then went outside with S to get him into the car. We watched him run around and started talking about trivial things as if the aforementioned argument never happened. It's weird how this keeps happening. I teased him about what looked like a hickey (ew) on his neck and he started laughing and swore on S's life that it wasn't one. He said it was a bruise from his seatbelt while gokarting. I called him a liar and we were both laughing. It was weird, and probably not good DB-ing, but it didn't hurt me, which shows good detachment?

I reminded him to either take or toss everything and not to leave his stuff for me to deal with. He agreed and said "thanks for being nice to me" with a big smile before I left.

On a positive note, it seems he took my words on board, as he messaged me throughout the day to inform me of his comings and goings to the house, and sent me a list of items he was unable to move with a plan to collect them ASAP. To which I thanked him for letting me know.

Last edited by scout12; 10/13/19 10:52 PM.

W 31 | H 29
Together 8
Married 3
S2

BD | June '19
Separation | July '19
OW confirmed | October '19
I filed | December '19

Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868175
10/13/19 11:01 PM
10/13/19 11:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 227
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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Posts: 227
Australia
The next morning he came to pick up S1.5 to spend the day with him. I passed on a few things about S1.5 and then gently took H by the elbow and showed him a whole pile of his junk still stuffed in a cupboard. I said "Either you're trying to annoy me, or I'm genuinely concerned about your comprehension skills... What part of 'take it or toss it' was hard to understand?" He apologised and said he didn't realise it was his stuff, and immediately grabbed a garbage bag to sort through it. It was all very pleasant. He then went to see if his car would start and I stayed with S1.5 in the garage, texting my friend and smiling at my phone. H noticed and asked if I was going on another date. I said no, as my friends and their kids were coming over for a visit.

The house was clean and tidy when he brought S1.5 home for dinner. I was in the middle of building a step stool for S.15 to help in the kitchen. I took H outside and showed him some more stuff he had forgotten to take, and he said he'd grab it when he gets his car. S.15 wanted me to go with him and play in the backyard, so I said goodbye to H. He called back "love you" - to S1.5, I assume, but it was hard to let go of the instinct to say it back. Just a habit!


W 31 | H 29
Together 8
Married 3
S2

BD | June '19
Separation | July '19
OW confirmed | October '19
I filed | December '19

Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868296
10/14/19 11:18 PM
10/14/19 11:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 227
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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Posts: 227
Australia
What are people's thoughts on sharing photos or stories about kids with your WAS?

Yesterday S1.5 asked for dada on the way home from daycare. I said not today. He replied "no dada, dada gone, bye dada, love you dada" and blew a kiss. I thought this was cute and wanted to share it with H.

Is that doing the job of a wife after he has fired me?


W 31 | H 29
Together 8
Married 3
S2

BD | June '19
Separation | July '19
OW confirmed | October '19
I filed | December '19

Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868306
10/15/19 12:53 AM
10/15/19 12:53 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 450
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Scout,

Personally, I wouldn't share it with him. He chose to abandon that type of loving, sweet interaction.

I used to share photos etc with XW, but not anymore. XW sent me a photo of my S by sms a couple of weeks ago. I didn't reply at all. Old me would have, then sent a photo back. We used to do that during our M too.

But we're not married anymore, nor are you.

I think it's a personal decision though.

I have photos of WX, and XW and me together in my S's study though.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868312
10/15/19 02:21 AM
10/15/19 02:21 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,158
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kas99 Online
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Wouldn’t share either. I did at first but quit 4 months after he left. I have the kids more than him too. Oh well his loss.

Re: Separated [Re: DS9] #2868327
10/15/19 02:23 PM
10/15/19 02:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 102
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Many worries Offline
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Many worries  Offline
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Originally Posted by DS9
Hey Scout,

Personally, I wouldn't share it with him. He chose to abandon that type of loving, sweet interaction.

I used to share photos etc with XW, but not anymore. XW sent me a photo of my S by sms a couple of weeks ago. I didn't reply at all. Old me would have, then sent a photo back. We used to do that during our M too.

But we're not married anymore, nor are you.

I think it's a personal decision though.

I have photos of WX, and XW and me together in my S's study though.


People can make their own choices buy why punish the kids. A as child of divorce I find this attitude appalling.
I feel like it's using the kid.

Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868328
10/15/19 03:11 PM
10/15/19 03:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,819
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by scout12
What are people's thoughts on sharing photos or stories about kids with your WAS?

Yesterday S1.5 asked for dada on the way home from daycare. I said not today. He replied "no dada, dada gone, bye dada, love you dada" and blew a kiss. I thought this was cute and wanted to share it with H.

Is that doing the job of a wife after he has fired me?


It really depends on your spouse. Some WAS's get really weird about stuff like that and will actually get angry if the LBS sends them ANYTHING, even if strictly kid-related. But others are more than happy to receive such things. My XW and I remained very kid-focused after BD, S and D and shared photos of the kids doing activities throughout, and still do in fact. We also still get together for birthdays. It's up to you, the only thing I would suggest is to make sure you're doing it with no expectations and not as a way to try and temperature check him.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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