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A Message from Michele
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Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2867853
10/10/19 05:10 AM
10/10/19 05:10 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 170
D
DS9 Offline
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DS9  Offline
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D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 170
Hey Scout,

How you doing?

You did well in a context of dealing with someone normal and rational, but you're not dealing with someone like that because you're in a parallel universe right now. Try to let his verbal spews wash over you.

I would have begun and ended the above dialogue with "I'll grab those keys thanks. Just leave them on the table please", then taken them and walked off and left him standing like an oaf in the front door. End of dialogue.

I know it's hard. If he says something to continue in leading up to a position where he can vent and rant against you, just stare at him with a face that speaks of disinterest and disdain (maybe even RBF), but say nothing. If you're caught up in it, repeat the word 'calm' over and over in your head whilst he's talking.

Good luck!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Separated [Re: DS9] #2867941
10/10/19 10:58 PM
10/10/19 10:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 49
S
scout12 Offline OP
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scout12  Offline OP
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S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by DS9
Hey Scout,

How you doing?

You did well in a context of dealing with someone normal and rational, but you're not dealing with someone like that because you're in a parallel universe right now. Try to let his verbal spews wash over you.

I would have begun and ended the above dialogue with "I'll grab those keys thanks. Just leave them on the table please", then taken them and walked off and left him standing like an oaf in the front door. End of dialogue.

I know it's hard. If he says something to continue in leading up to a position where he can vent and rant against you, just stare at him with a face that speaks of disinterest and disdain (maybe even RBF), but say nothing. If you're caught up in it, repeat the word 'calm' over and over in your head whilst he's talking.

Good luck!


Hey, DS. I really appreciate your viewpoint on this. I read your thread and you are so calm and collected. Your advice is spot on. It is so hard when he is twisting things and making me out to be the bad guy, it drives me crazy! I'll try and be more mindful next time to gain back some control and respect.


W 31, LBS - me
H 29, WAS
S 1.5
T 9 | M 3

06/19 - moved out 'on a break'
07/19 - wants to separate
08/19 - legal separation in progress
Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2867968
10/11/19 04:54 AM
10/11/19 04:54 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 170
D
DS9 Offline
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DS9  Offline
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D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 170
Hey Scout. Pleasure! Thanks for reading my thread - its valuable to have a woman's perspective. Had a teeny bump this morning, whihc I've posted about. Let me know what you think. Cheers, D

Remember - Calm, calm, calm


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868173
Yesterday at 10:44 PM
Yesterday at 10:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 49
S
scout12 Offline OP
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scout12  Offline OP
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S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 49
H came over with a mutual friend to move the last of his stuff on the weekend. Well, ostensibly the last of it - as soon as he arrived he said he couldn't move everything today. I calmly (thanks DS) said I'm sorry, but that's not my problem. I need your stuff out today. He immediately went on the defensive saying that until I pay him the settlement money for the house, he can keep his stuff here as long as he wants. I said, I'm sorry, but that's not how that works. He kept arguing and blaming and said "you're obviously just in a problematic mood today".

Me: The only problem I have is dealing with the problems you cause with your insufficient communication. I'm fed up with being messed around when I've bent over backwards to coordinate this move with you. You make vague plans, don't stick to times, don't show up, don't keep me in the loop or respect my arrangements. If you wanted your stuff out, you should have taken it on Monday as per your original plan.

I then went outside with S to get him into the car. We watched him run around and started talking about trivial things as if the aforementioned argument never happened. It's weird how this keeps happening. I teased him about what looked like a hickey (ew) on his neck and he started laughing and swore on S's life that it wasn't one. He said it was a bruise from his seatbelt while gokarting. I called him a liar and we were both laughing. It was weird, and probably not good DB-ing, but it didn't hurt me, which shows good detachment?

I reminded him to either take or toss everything and not to leave his stuff for me to deal with. He agreed and said "thanks for being nice to me" with a big smile before I left.

On a positive note, it seems he took my words on board, as he messaged me throughout the day to inform me of his comings and goings to the house, and sent me a list of items he was unable to move with a plan to collect them ASAP. To which I thanked him for letting me know.

Last edited by scout12; Yesterday at 10:52 PM.

W 31, LBS - me
H 29, WAS
S 1.5
T 9 | M 3

06/19 - moved out 'on a break'
07/19 - wants to separate
08/19 - legal separation in progress
Re: Separated [Re: scout12] #2868175
Yesterday at 11:01 PM
Yesterday at 11:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 49
S
scout12 Offline OP
Member
scout12  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 49
The next morning he came to pick up S1.5 to spend the day with him. I passed on a few things about S1.5 and then gently took H by the elbow and showed him a whole pile of his junk still stuffed in a cupboard. I said "Either you're trying to annoy me, or I'm genuinely concerned about your comprehension skills... What part of 'take it or toss it' was hard to understand?" He apologised and said he didn't realise it was his stuff, and immediately grabbed a garbage bag to sort through it. It was all very pleasant. He then went to see if his car would start and I stayed with S1.5 in the garage, texting my friend and smiling at my phone. H noticed and asked if I was going on another date. I said no, as my friends and their kids were coming over for a visit.

The house was clean and tidy when he brought S1.5 home for dinner. I was in the middle of building a step stool for S.15 to help in the kitchen. I took H outside and showed him some more stuff he had forgotten to take, and he said he'd grab it when he gets his car. S.15 wanted me to go with him and play in the backyard, so I said goodbye to H. He called back "love you" - to S1.5, I assume, but it was hard to let go of the instinct to say it back. Just a habit!


W 31, LBS - me
H 29, WAS
S 1.5
T 9 | M 3

06/19 - moved out 'on a break'
07/19 - wants to separate
08/19 - legal separation in progress
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