What ju ju said all the way. And spackling is such a great turn. And I am the queen of spackling ! Most times it’s me questioning myself because I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel the way I do. Sometimes I think it’s me giving the benefit of the doubt. Often times it’s me making excuses. But I cover up the holes that are in relationships.
If you told him what you need and he said he would do a, b, and c, and he still does not, then you do need to decide if this is what you want.
I texted him that I had stayed home from work because I had an eye infection. Two days later, he texts me, “How’s your eye?” I responded with “I texted you about my eye two days ago. Do you actually even care how it is?” An hour later he texts, “yes”. That’s it. No explanation of any kind or acknowledgement that my response was a bit testy. It’s like he didn’t even notice. TBH, I actually laughed when I read it. It is so him.
Ok. I laughed when I read that as well.
I mean really. “Yes”. That’s it?!? Lol.
So a lot of viewpoints here. I’ll add another to the mix.
From what you’ve said over the last 5 months Jack does have a peculiar conversing style, especially, or maybe just, when you two are apart. Why? I could guess, but does it matter? You cannot fix it, and maybe it doesn’t need fixing.
You can tell him what you would like from him, in the form of texting while apart. You could even have expectations for certain behaviours or even boundaries - if this is a hill you are willing to die for.
Personally, I would talk him. See what and where he is at, and let him know where you are at.
An interesting thought is what do you think this looks like from his point of view? Demanding, or caring, or needy, or does he not categorize it.
I sense no malicious intent about him from your retelling of his behaviours. I would say he is pretty non-culpable here, regarding texting and phone calls.
If you need more, then that’s something for you to look at. If you want more, then ask him, talk to him, tell him.
A word on comprise. It is not a good solution. Not something to strive for. It is a lose-win scenario.
Likewise the win-lose scenario is just as harmful to a relationship. And in the lose-lose outcome, well no one wins.
We usually see things as our way or their way. Yeah, we think we find some middle ground and call it a compromise, but no one really wins there. Find the true 3rd alternative - a win-win scenario.
This only happens if both parties are willing to look at what constitutes wins for each, and then finds a solution that addresses them. It is really amazing some of the win-win solutions that have be found, and would never have been discovered if a compromise was the goal. It is true that sometimes a compromise is the best solution possible, however it is rare.
A funny example to illustrate. Two people work in an office. Barb wants the window open for fresh air. Dan wants the window closed due to noise and the breeze blowing in. At first it looks like even a middle ground compromise isn’t possible - the window can’t be both open and shut. It has to be one or the other.
However, what is a win for each? Barb wants fresh air. Dan wants no noise or breeze. Many solution are possible. One solution: Open the window at night when no one is there, and let in fresh air. Then shut it for the day. Barb has a fresh office, and Dan has peaceful environment.
It’s not about the window. Maybe it’s not about the texting. Look at what your’s and Jack’s wins are and go from there.
Anyhow, just food for thought.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Dan really really likes Cindy who is in the office down the hall. Cindy likes to have the window open. Dan wants Cindy and Barb to switch offices. He doesn't mind having the window open if Cindy is in the office with him. He tries to get Cindy and Barb to change offices. Dan's boss realizes what's going on and decides to move Cindy into Barb's office and Dan will be in the office down the hall. After Dan and Cindy switch offices, Dan decides he likes the breeze from an open window and starts hanging out in Cindy and Barb's office as much as possible.
Thanks for dropping by. I’ve been doing pretty well. Been keeping up to date on what is going on with others but haven’t had a whole lot to say about my sitch. Still have not seen any paperwork that indicates I am divorced but I’m assuming I am since I signed all the papers before the summer. XH was over yesterday. He saw my sister’s car in the driveway so drove around and went in his mother’s entrance to talk with her and text me he was there so I would send our son downstairs. He still cannot face my family members. I wandered down with S11 and we chatted for a bit. He told me that OW has Shingles really bad. That [censored] for her....karma is a b#tch. He left after about 15 minutes and I commented to his mom how silly it is that he can’t come to the front door when my sister is here. She nodded and said he asked her a week ago if we still “trash” him. She said she told him she though we were”over him” and had better things to talk about...lol. My thought... if you don’t want to worry about people saying bad things about you, stop doing bad things. Simple as that. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Anyway...he and I, as co-parents, are doing a really good job and my kids know that even though I was really mad at their dad for awhile, I will always love him for giving me them. We also did my daughter’s parent-teacher interview together and will do my son’s on Monday. It was fine. Last year, I couldn’t shake the urge to punch him the entire time and this year...meh. I am indifferent.
Things with Jack are status quo. I see him every weekend and he is home during the week. Our communication during the week is reasonable. If I feel the need to text him about something, he answers. He doesn’t initiate contact a whole lot. I don’t take it personally as I have come to understand that he is someone that only texts when he has a purpose and idle chitchat isn’t something he does. Plus...when we see each other, it is usually from Friday evening to Monday morning so we get a lot of time together. He still has not found a job. He’s had a few offers far away but isn’t desperate enough yet to accept them. His last employer recently told him that they have some new projects coming up and will need more people but the timeline is unclear. I am hoping it is soon as the company is in my town so Jack and I can have a more normal dating relationship if/when he moves here instead of the feast or famine one we have now. I finally met one of his friends...lol. He had a gig last week so I went to watch and met his drummer. He seemed very nice...married, closer to my age, vegan, has a pool table at home. I got there during their break and he and I chatted non stop until they had to play again. Jack barely said a word...lol. He did look happy to see me though and had clearly been watching for me to arrive as he came outside and called my name the second I got out of my car.
Anyway...time to start my day. Thank goodness it is Friday. It’s been a draining week. Lots of seriously ill kids coming through our doors and I was the supervisor this week so it was my job to figure out what to do with them. Assigned the most concerning one to myself. This kid actually lit himself on fire cause he was mad and “didn’t know what else to do.” He’s having hallucinations and delusions as well so it seems like he is developing a psychosis. This is a kid who could die quite easily though so it is a lot of responsibility. I meet him this afternoon. Hopefully we can connect on some level so he is motivated to work with me.
DnJ... just realized I did not respond to your post. When I read it, I felt like I needed to mull it over awhile before answering. I will respond when I have more time.
We also did my daughter’s parent-teacher interview together and will do my son’s on Monday. It was fine. Last year, I couldn’t shake the urge to punch him the entire time and this year...meh. I am indifferent.
I remember you wanting to punch him in the face. Lol.
Indifferent. Yep, a much better place.
I do hope that you and that troubled boy find a common ground, a connection. You are doing wonderful work and I know you care.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ. Funny...I met my new client on Friday and there is definitely something going on with him so I am grateful I could get him in to see our psychiatrist tomorrow. He reminded me of another client I have been seeing for a month or so. Another kid with anger issues and drug issues but no psychosis that I can see. I really like him. And on Tuesday when I saw him he mentioned his best friend. He has talked about this boy before but his name didn’t mean anything to me at the time. It does now. Of course...he is my new client. Jeez...the population of my town is about 100,000 but you would think it was 100 with all of the kids i have who know each other. Confidentiality is such a tricky thing in these circumstances. I am pretty careful though... I never pump my clients for info on other clients. If they mention them, I make a mental note but that’s about it.
Parent-teacher on Monday with my son went well. No problems between me and XH. We are on as good of terms as we can be on at this stage, I think. We share kids. We communicate respectfully with one another and cooperate with each other’s off-schedule requests whenever possible. I miss my friend but this man who has taken his place is a stranger. I have accepted this about as well as I can, I think. Still have moments of sadness/anger when memories are triggered but these fade quickly. I have never been one to dwell on things and I like to find the open window when a door closes so those aspects of my personality have definitely served me well in this situation. Onwards and upwards to new adventures.
DnJ....Still trying to figure out where I am at with Jack. I think about it a lot. I don’t think I have ever been in a relationship after this amount of time when I truly did not have an idea of where it was going or where I wanted it to go. Of course, I’ve never been a 51 year-old twice-divorced mother before either...things are different now than when I was last on the dating scene and searching for someone to be my forever person that I could raise a family with. Now I’m pretty sceptical that that person exists for me. I’m also not sure I need that or will even believe that about someone again...if that makes any sense. So for now Jack meets my needs until I decide that my needs are greater than what he can provide. But I’m not there yet. I’m still healing and still trying to figure out who I am. Jack being around only on weekends gives me lots of space to do that and I think it is good for me at the moment.
Anyway...I will continue to think about things. Looking forward to next week. I have a five-day tournament that, for me, is the warm-up for the ten-day tournament in Vegas in March. Love and (((HUGS))) to all!!!
It is amazing how small the world sometimes looks. A city of 100,000 seemly like a town of 100; your clients knowing each other; such a low degree of separation within a city. I can definitely see your need to be alert to ensure confidentiality when conversing with the kids.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Of course, I’ve never been a 51 year-old twice-divorced mother before either...
Lol.
A 52 year old divorced Dad over here.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
... searching for someone to be my forever person that I could raise a family with. Now I’m pretty sceptical that that person exists for me. I’m also not sure I need that or will even believe that about someone again...if that makes any sense.
Makes perfect sense.
To add to that:
“Someone to be my forever person that I could raise a family with” - that’s you. You’ve already found that forever person. They exist in you. Stop looking elsewhere.
You are looking for and want to believe in a person wanting to be with a 51 year-old twice-divorced mother who is raising a family. That person doesn’t need to fit into a mold of someone whom you could raise a family with; I think that is your’s (and my) old thinking of last time upon the dating scene. Find someone who wants you and the life and family you bring to the table, and you to want their’s.
The bar isn’t set lower or higher - it’s a different bar.
If that makes sense.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
