She hit me with the conversation the moment I walked in the door. Wasn’t able to avoid it. I’m going to do my best to try and remember everything.
She first asked me if I wanted to go to counseling with her. I responded with well I would like to think about it at this point and weigh my options.
She asked me if I wanted to stay married or get divorced. I told her I was still thinking about that. I wasn’t sure where is I stood on it.
I asked her what she wanted to get out of counseling? She said she wanted to try and figure out where we went wrong and if we could have a loving relationship in the future. She also pressed me as why I need to think about it since this is what I wanted to fix our marriage. I said after having some time I have more clairity on things and I wanted to think everything through to make sure I’m making the best decisions about moving forward.
She did not offer any apologies for the the garbage she put me through with the OM and all the lying and sneaking around. She also did not say if it was over or not with him. I didn’t ask that at this time if it had ended. I also didn’t throw out any ultimatums or anything at this time.
The next part she was p!ssed about. She was p!ssed I retained my own lawyer and put it on the credit card. She threw it in my face that I got upset about how she did the same thing to me and I pointed out that we talk about big purchases. Why I didn’t do that. I had the money to just do the retainer but the lawyer said to put it on the credit card. Because she wouldn’t be able to get it back otherwise.
She was asking how I was going to pay for the lawyer retainer. I said i had it covered and that I can handle paying it. My parents said they would cover the retainer which was nice of them. They didn’t have too do any of that. My lawyer told me to put the retainer on the card. She told me not telling her I did so was passive aggressive.
She was p!ssed about my lawyer calling out her lawyer for filing for D in the wrong county. She said since our marriage license was in the other county we could file in either county. My lawyer specifically said we have to file in the county we live because of things with the kids.
She accused me of changing counties because it will take longer.
She said that it sounded like I was calling her an absentee parent and that she left the children. I never said that, I did say she had not been home a lot lately and that I was here for the kids.
She made some comment about the kids needing a lawyer and that I shouldn’t have 50/50 because of my work schedule. My work schedule is pretty flexible but I have to go there. She said I’m a stay at home parent wouldn’t you rather see your kids everyday if possible. I tired to inform her there are all sorts variations of 50/50 as opposed just 1 week on 1 week off.
She said she will fight for her kids not matter the cost. She also asked who is going to watch the kids while I’m at work. I said if it came down to it my parents said they would help. She said why wouldn’t you want them to be with me. I responded with I never said they wouldn’t. She said your parents would watch them a whole week. I said if it came down to that but that I want her to have time with the kids.
She was manipulating the lawyer thing like crazy. Problem is I don’t have a chance when she gets into that mode. I’m just not built like that and able to twist a conversation. She played me out like the bad guy with everything about the lawyer and the way I handled it.
I wanted to yell your the one who is having an affair you won’t end and refuse to work on the marriage. Your the one who retained a lawyer and filed for D like a week after the BD. Your the one who pushed this whole situation to where it is because you pretended things where fine when they weren’t even when I checked in and asked how things are doing. Your the one walking away from the marriage. I didn’t but it was going through my head.
She said she noticed a bunch of positive changes in me that makes her hopeful. But that I do passive aggressive behavior things like the lawyer and she doesn’t which me is the true one she is getting.
At that I point I was saved by the school bus.
Last edited by job; 10/05/1905:39 PM. Reason: edited language
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
She said she noticed a bunch of positive changes in me that makes her hopeful. But that I do passive aggressive behavior things like the lawyer and she doesn’t which me is the true one she is getting.
At that I point I was saved by the school bus.
Don't buy this last part - you can do nothing right in her eyes.
It´s hard to face MR talks when you need to detach and stay dim. Try to evade future MR instances. Try to read again the Validation post. You need to validate things that should be validated. Nothing more than that.
Keep your pace. Keep DB Stay strong MJ
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
First off great job on not committing to anything telling her you need to think about it. I’m not buying what she’s selling, it just doesn’t make any sense. She files for D and then wants to go to counseling WTF? I believe she’s trying to manipulate you to get what she wants.
If you decide to go to counseling you should insist on the following:
No contact with OM A no contact letter sent to OM from her with you Copied on Full transparency plan with you having access to her cellphone, email etc.
Without these conditions it will be a waste of time and money.
Deep breaths. Strong start, you held firm for awhile not committing to any particular plan of action, then you fell off the bus and began speaking instead of listening / validating.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She hit me with the conversation the moment I walked in the door. Wasn’t able to avoid it.
No reason to avoid hearing her out.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She first asked me if I wanted to go to counseling with her. I responded with well I would like to think about it at this point and weigh my options.
Good reply. Even better, "It sounds like you have feelings about that." She's asked you to have this conversation 2-3x, so it is a safe bet she has feelings on the subject, and it may draw her out.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She asked me if I wanted to stay married or get divorced. I told her I was still thinking about that. I wasn’t sure where is I stood on it.
Okay.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
I asked her what she wanted to get out of counseling? She said she wanted to try and figure out where we went wrong and if we could have a loving relationship in the future.
Great question! This is FERTILE ground for repeating back your understanding. E.g., "You want to go to therapy together to help you decide whether or not to recommit to this marriage." Right or wrong, these clarifications put the onus on her to refine what she's saying, providing you valuable information.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She also pressed me as why I need to think about it since this is what I wanted to fix our marriage. I said after having some time I have more clairity on things and I wanted to think everything through to make sure I’m making the best decisions about moving forward.
Great! She's pressuring you, and you're holding strong.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She did not offer any apologies for the the garbage she put me through with the OM and all the lying and sneaking around. She also did not say if it was over or not with him. I didn’t ask that at this time if it had ended. I also didn’t throw out any ultimatums or anything at this time.
Good, neither of you brought up negative topics.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
The next part she was p!ssed about. She was p!ssed I retained my own lawyer and put it on the credit card. She threw it in my face that I got upset about how she did the same thing to me
and I pointed out
Oh no! Instead of listening and validating, you got defensive..
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She told me not telling her I did so was passive aggressive.
"Wow, I didn't know you felt that way."
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She was p!ssed about my lawyer calling out her lawyer for filing for D in the wrong county.
"That really bothered you that our lawyers disagreed."
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She said since our marriage license was in the other county we could file in either county.
"I see, you believe we can file in either county."
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She accused me of changing counties because it will take longer.
"You think I changed counties to slow down our divorce."
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She said that it sounded like I was calling her an absentee parent and that she left the children.
"Wow, you thought I was accusing you of being an absentee parent."
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
I shouldn’t have 50/50 because of my work schedule. I tired to inform her.. I said if it came down to it my parents said they would help.
I'll stop commenting. It should be obvious you fell off the listen and validate train. You're not even sure you want divorce, and you're not going to "win" reconciliation or a court custody case by arguing / fighting with your wife. If you can't handle a conversation, it's okay to take a ten minute walk to clear your head.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
Problem is I don’t have a chance when she gets into that mode.
Nobody wins fights like these, except maybe OM. Listening and validating helps to avoid them.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
I wanted to yell..
You didn't yell. You tried to listen and validate. It takes practice to learn all these new skills! Don't be too hard on yourself. Do something relaxing for now, and commit to trying again next time.
Last edited by job; 10/05/1905:40 PM. Reason: edited language
First off great job on not committing to anything telling her you need to think about it. I’m not buying what she’s selling, it just doesn’t make any sense. She files for D and then wants to go to counseling WTF? I believe she’s trying to manipulate you to get what she wants.
If you decide to go to counseling you should insist on the following:
No contact with OM A no contact letter sent to OM from her with you Copied on Full transparency plan with you having access to her cellphone, email etc.
Without these conditions it will be a waste of time and money.
This i agree with completely. She was pushing for a time table on a response I said I would like to think about it this weekend. Do I bring this up to her or do I wait for her to bring it up. She gets p!ssy having to bring things up if I go beyond the time table. What if she says there isn’t a OM? Do I come back with something along the lines or ok i understand it’s over but to move forward I need to be i copied on the message telling him it is over and there will be no communication.
I had hoped to by myself some more time to prep for the conversation to stay on the validation pathway. She really got defensive about anything with the lawyer. It’s really hard when she is coming at me full tilt.
I do want to go to counseling. I’ve found a good pro marriage counselor I want to use. She makes it sound like she is willing to go. A few weeks ago this was a firm no way in hell.
DB is hard. I’ve been reviewing the validation thread. I copied so I can review it regularly so I can learn from it.
Last edited by job; 10/05/1905:41 PM. Reason: edited language
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
I can’t stress enough that if you do not require the conditions I laid out then this is just a waste of time and may actually work against you.
So how should I go about laying them out?
She denies there even is a relationship. Or do I play it as I know that you said the other relationship is over but I need to be included in some sort of group message where you specifically say do not ever contact me again our relationship is over kind of thing. Just flat out ask for the passwords. How much do I actually check them.
I want to word this correctly so isn’t taken as controlling.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
