I like the action you are taking. Keep her out of your life. You may not be separated legally, but he moving out if basically separation.
Try not to read into the sex life with OM thing. It's a bunch of BS.
Now that you have the place to yourself, I'd recommend enjoying being able to do whatever you want all the time. It's my biggest regret from last year. You can really go live it up and have a lot of fun.
In the meantime you can continue to consider divorce but I don't think it is something you should pull the trigger on right away unless you are 100% sure that you won't tolerate and an affair and wait around for her to wake up. Take some time to be sure IMO.
Work on your detachment. I'd read those links in Cadet's welcome post throughout the day and keep asking questions.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I am trying to GAL for sure. Though to do since I have physical custody of D5 but we are starting to do more together as just me and her without "mom" involved. I've been so wrapped up in trying to gather evidence and confront her about the A and hoped for a 180 from her. Basically an apology and crawling back saying she would do anything but that was not what went down. The confrontation just put distance between us and she "doesn't want to be around" me. The papers are sitting here on my desk waiting for my signature, I told my lawyer I just wanted to cover my bases in the instance that I do decide to file. I have decided to hold off a bit, at the disdain of my IC, go dark and see what happens for a bit. If she was served these papers, I know its going to cause an explosion on her part with the custody agreement and child support provisional orders. I'm guilty of the "nice guy syndrome" and don't want to rock the boat right now while we are both highly emotional. She stated last night that she doesn't want to file but allegedly has retained counsel due to my threat. IC says thats a complete bluff on her part but they have not spoken since D-day
Tom, very sorry about the disclosure of the A, I know it's a gut-bunch (believe me, I do know!) but at least you know and can quit wondering and spinning scenarios. Also I think you're doing the right thing in giving yourself some more time on the D. In a month you'll know better where you stand.
I would suggest cutting ALL contact with W except for whatever minimum is required for coordinating D's needs. If she texts asking how your day is going, or asking a pointless question, don't reply. She needs to know you are not Plan B and you are not going to be her BFF.
Just journaling what occurred today. When she was here to pick up things the other night the little one mentioned that she had been to church Sunday and had a lot of fun. She asked me if I really went, in which I produced the brochure along with the notes I took during the sermon. When she was leaving she mentioned to the little one that she would see her Thursday. Well Thursday night at our church they have a men’s only ministry. I’ve never attended but after having someone pray with me after service on Sunday, she suggested I check it out and build bonds with strong Christ centered men. So I brought this up to the wife, I said I would like to attend Thursday and check it out. Problem is that they do not offer any child care like they do on Sunday. So I asked the wife if she would pick up the little one from aftercare and they could come to the house while I attend church as she still has things here that she wants to finish getting to her place. She agreed and I thought it was pretty much set in stone until today when she reached out via text and this is the transcript:
Her: So are you still going to that church thing tomorrow ? Me: Yes. It’s every Thursday. Me: I can make alternative arrangements if it conflicts with your schedule. No biggie Her: A convention is in town and my boss asked if I could work . But don’t wanna mess up our plans Me: It’s not a problem. Do what you need to do. Work is more important. Her: No it isn’t . Lol nvmd Me: You can work tomorrow and have D5 Saturday for the fall festival if your mom wants to watch her Saturday night. I can get her before church Sunday. Me: I know seeing and spending time with D5 tomorrow was important to you which is why I suggested Saturday. So you can have the best of both worlds. I’m not being mean or anything Me: You mentioned last week that you needed hours. Just let me know what you decide. Her: The festival is the 12th and 13th Her: I’m just off sat just cause Me: Ok. Whatever you want to do tomorrow is fine. **end of contact**
Did I handle this appropriately as far as going dark and trying to detach? Should I have been more vague and less wordy? Obviously I had to reply as it was based upon our D5 and my intent to have them spend time together while I was trying to GAL and focus on support from fellow church members.
Going dark means no contact at all. You have a kid together so until your girl is an adult you probably aren't going dark on your W.
I think you were too wordy and too eager to let your W off the hook for the help she told you she'd give you. And you tell your W everything you're doing. Your W sees it as peacocking. I suggest being more mysterious so she wonders what you're up to.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Going dark means no contact at all. You have a kid together so until your girl is an adult you probably aren't going dark on your W.
I think you were too wordy and too eager to let your W off the hook for the help she told you she'd give you. And you tell your W everything you're doing. Your W sees it as peacocking. I suggest being more mysterious so she wonders what you're up to.
Thanks for the advice and I’m aware that I’ll never be able to go fully dark on her due to our daughter. This is all new to me and tough to do as I conditioned myself to be fully transparent in an attempt to build trust that I’d lost before her A started.
Ugh. Not going well today with the whole trying to be dark. W called my cell at work and since I assumed it was in regards to our D5 and the plans for her to get her tonight I answered. She wanted to discuss her anxiety she is having after a night of drinking at her job and potentially getting fired due to being there after hours with a trainwreck co-worker who had a ignition interlock on her car already and she was wasted. They both were and were caught on camera and another co worker gave her a heads up that the owner was mad about the entire situation and they both have been pulled off the schedule.
I listened and let her vent as she said she called multiple other people before me and nobody answered, had i known it was about this, I wouldn't have either.
I told her that she has to accept that she cannot help someone who is obviously imploding and she is only going to get caught in the fallout and that she needs to accept that she cannot control this (kinda like I'm trying to accept this whole separation reality we are in currently) Then she mentioned that she did not like being home alone at her trailer etc because she gets lonely and anxiety. Hopefully this is a sign the OM/AP is out of the picture but I told her she needs to take this alone time to explore her life choices and find out these triggers that cause her to feel the way that she is. I told her that she has let people take their own path and accept any consequences that may occur. Kinda like the approach I am trying take with her but I did not let her know that. I just expressed that its a situation like what I went through with the drinking and hitting rock bottom. Making changes in myself because I did not like the person I had become and it took the wreck/separation for me to realize.
Read all the info given here and listen to the more established veterans. Stop giving her advice it doesn't help. If you want to divorce then only let her contact you by email about D and finances. If instead you hope to eventually reconcile then after you answered the phone listen and validate but DON'T give advice.
Last edited by rooskers; 10/03/1906:55 PM.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Read all the info given here and listen to the more established veterans. Stop giving her advice it doesn't help. If you want to divorce then only let her contact you by email about D and finances. If instead you hope to eventually reconcile then after you answered the phone listen and validate but DON'T give advice.
Initially wanted to divorce for sure but had second thoughts after posting here and people telling me to hold off because I am acting off emotion and not rational. I have two books on my doorstep from MWD tonight to dive into. Divorce remedy and healing from infidelity.
Ugh. Not going well today with the whole trying to be dark.
A lot of people misunderstand what going dark means. It means no contact. Zero. Nothing. And it doesn't mean do that for an hour and then text, because if you contact her in an hour or a day or even a week then you didn't truly "go dark". Here's an example of going dark- a buddy of mine's W went rogue WAS on him. Left him, insisted they sell the house and joint business and she moved in with OM. He did what she asked, sold everything and split the proceeds with her and then well and truly went dark. Did not call/text/email or anything else for 2 YEARS. That my friend, is going dark. By the way she started reaching out to him after that and long story short, they've been happily together for 5 years since then. Ovr is right though, it's nearly impossible if you have kids together. You can go "dim" but not truly dark. Going dim means contact is strictly limited to kids and bills.
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I listened and let her vent as she said she called multiple other people before me and nobody answered, had i known it was about this, I wouldn't have either.
So not only are you the lowest priority/ last resort, but she felt inclined to tell you that's how you rate. Next time let it go to voicemail.
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I told her that she has to accept that she cannot help someone who is obviously imploding and she is only going to get caught in the fallout and that she needs to accept that she cannot control this (kinda like I'm trying to accept this whole separation reality we are in currently) Then she mentioned that she did not like being home alone at her trailer etc because she gets lonely and anxiety.
Like Rooskers said, no advice. You're trying to fix her problems for her. If you're going to listen and validate then that's fine, but don't try to fix anything. She doesn't want you to, she just wanted to vent. "That sounds very difficult for you, I am sorry you are struggling."
