So I managed to not say anything about my husband seeing the OW on his business trip-- thanks 100% to you guys. (I am so, so grateful to all of you-- those who talked me down from calling him and those who are sharing their stories that have been so helpful to read. What an amazing, generous group of people.)
He came back Wednesday evening, and has been very friendly, fun, nice, etc. I've been practicing letting go of worrying about all of this and focusing on myself. And... he moved back into the bedroom (has been sleeping in the guest room for the past month, since BD2 when he told me about the EA). The first night he mumbled something about being too tired to deal with the guest room (futon there isn't as comfortable as our bed) and I said nothing. Last night he just got in bed and didn't say a word, neither did I. We chatted normally for awhile then both when to sleep. Then in the middle of the night he woke me up, hugged me, we cuddled for a bit, then had sex for the first time in six months (since before BD1, ILYB). !!!! After we chatted for awhile then went to sleep. No R discussion. This morning all fine/positive/normal. Previously, we had a SSM (I was the lower desire spouse) and that was/is a major reason for our problems. He has said as recently as a few weeks ago that he was not sexually attracted to me and the one thing he cannot envision in our future R is sex. Sooo....
I'm trying not to make this into all that big of a deal. I feel like moving back into the bedroom is a positive sign, but it was also a relatively easy time to do it (just back from a trip) with less significance attached to it than if he'd just switched rooms one night. I also don't want to attach too much to the sex. Like you guys have been saying-- zero expectations and assumptions. My plan is to take it all in stride, not say anything about it unless he brings it up, and then listen/validate if he does. He hasn't said a word about seeing OW, but we also haven't been in a situation where he might have brought it up. Thoughts/comments/suggestions welcome... I'm kind of thrown for a loop. I'm not shocked he moved back into the MB-- I had thought (before his trip) that there was a 50/50 chance he'd do it when he returned, since things had been so positive and it was a natural time to do it without seeming like a big deal-- but the sex part did really surprise me. I was thinking that there was zero chance that we'd have sex again without him saying explicitly he was ready to work on our MR and to try to rediscover the passionate side of our R.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Trying to stick with zero expectations and assumptions but man, it is hard! What keeps running through my mind is the fact that he told me he could NEVER imagine having sex with me again (at one point right after BD1 even the thought of it seemed to gross him out), was not sexually attracted to me, etc. That was also a time when he'd flinch away from even incidental physical contact. Now he's regularly initiating physical touch several times a day (his love language) and then I'm just so weirded out that after all this (and definitely seeing the OW last week on his business trip) he's now moved back into the bedroom, plus the sex for the first time in six months. I want to not think about it and just let it be... but would be really interested in other people's perspectives on all of this.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Sounds like cake-eating to me. He's having a fling and enjoying no-strings-attached family life with you when it suits him. Unfortunately walkaway husbands in particular have a habit of doing this. To him it probably means nothing other than some temporary sexual gratification. Michele's official take on this is it is OK to have sex as long as it doesn't affect you emotionally and you have no expectations about it. Realistically I'm not sure any LBS can really do that though. Also there's the concern about getting an STD from your own husband, that may sound crazy but it has happened many times.
I think he said that about never imagining sex again to see your reaction. It seems like you didn't make a big deal out of it with him, which made him wonder if you're okay with that or if you're not attracted to him anymore. He came back into the room to see if you'll be all over him again, which some men can feel is overwhelming, or if you keep acting normal. I think you're doing the right thing by keeping yourself together and not making it a bigger deal in front of him.
It's hard not to have expectations and not to want more intimacy and sex, but try to restrain yourself, that's what I've been doing. Let him initiate and keep focusing on yourself. It's hard, but honestly, you're his wife, he is yours, not hers. Don't think about you losing him and need to keep him, think of it as him getting you back, after all, he is the one that wanted out, if he wants to stay he needs to work for it.
Sounds like cake-eating to me. He's having a fling and enjoying no-strings-attached family life with you when it suits him.
AnotherStander, I'm curious to know more about the appropriate response to cake-eating... it seems like something LBSs shouldn't put up with, but I didn't really pick that up in DR or Healing From Infidelity.... did I miss it? Or is it more something dealt with on the boards?
Originally Posted by uptown
I think you're doing the right thing by keeping yourself together and not making it a bigger deal in front of him....Let him initiate and keep focusing on yourself. It's hard, but honestly, you're his wife, he is yours, not hers. Don't think about you losing him and need to keep him, think of it as him getting you back, after all, he is the one that wanted out, if he wants to stay he needs to work for it.
Uptown, thanks so much for this-- really helpful-- totally gives me what I need to keep moving forward with emotional neutrality. This is great.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May, a tough call to have sex or not. In my situation, I'm glad I did, even if the sex felt strange and left me with mixed feelings. It's bonding, if done right leaves neither of you desperate to get those needs met elsewhere, and probably helped us on the road to reconciliation. In my case it was cake-eating (she wanted sex and fun without the everyday), but I had no concerns about a physical affair.
May, a tough call to have sex or not. In my situation, I'm glad I did, even if the sex felt strange and left me with mixed feelings. It's bonding, if done right leaves neither of you desperate to get those needs met elsewhere, and probably helped us on the road to reconciliation.
Thanks, CWarrior... that is really helpful. how is it all feeling now?
We're in this space where the last time we had an R talk (2-3 weeks ago) he just wasn't sure if he could/wanted to reconcile because he didn't think a passionate/sexual relationship was possible between us again, plus he wasn't sure he could deal with the guilt of the EA. We agreed to take it slow and just focus on our friendship, which has been going great, and if I didn't know that he had just seen her last week I would be feeling really good about what happened and our progress. In our case, he's 100 percent in on the everyday and both the day-to-day relationship between the two of us and his relationship with the kids is tremendously improved from where it was six months ago at BD1, he's been an incredible dad and doing more around the house than I am now. The same situations that would have set off a major argument are handled fine now, we are talking about all kinds of things, and having fun together again. The gap is in the passionate/sexual connection, especially/probably in comparison for the limerence he feels for the OW in the EA. Which is maybe why the sex thing has thrown me for such a loop. I truly didn't think it was going to happen without a lot of time/talking/therapy, based on what he's been saying.
Anyway, I am trying as hard as I can not to read too much into any of this, both worrying about him seeing her for dinner last week and coming home to move straight back into the bedroom.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
It's so hard to keep emotional neutrality. Are you finding other ways to vent? I try to go on long walks with the dog and take baths. I agree with CWarrior in that sex helps with bonding. Make sure sex isn't all about him, though. Try to make foreplay longer and make sure you're enjoying it too, otherwise you will feel like he's just using you.
Thanks, CWarrior... that is really helpful. how is it all feeling now?
It felt great again after 2-3x, and especially now since reconciling. At the time it felt more like kinky sex than making love, which makes sense considering she was angry and didn't trust me or consider me a friend.
Thanks, CWarrior and uptown. I am doing a lot of yoga, exercising and self-care, which definitely helps.
Also, it hasn't happened again... I am wondering if I should initiate, which would be a pretty significant 180 for me. The reason I haven't is that the last time we TALKED about it, he said he wasn't interested, etc etc., and we had agreed to work on our friendship before anything else. When it happened, it was in the middle of the night and he initiated, though we both verbally consented. On the one hand, initiating sex isn't exactly detaching, and I also want to be respectful of what he said he wanted/didn't want the last time we had an R talk. On the other hand, it would be a major 180 for me and address one of his biggest issues in our MR (not enough sex and especially the fact that I never initiated), and like you both say, can help with bonding.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
