Yeah, she didn't stay somewhere else. Came back five minutes later saying she was going to bed (she moved into the guest room last night apparently). She told me to give her a list of what I wanted/needed in the D. Said she is going to the courthouse this week and if I go, to let her know. I just don't know how I am going to keep up with school, launch a job search and go ace interviews, all while going through this. I'm not even spinning anymore, just going into shock and shutting down.
I just don't know how I am going to keep up with school, launch a job search and go ace interviews, all while going through this.
Hi 44tires, are you based in the US or the UK? Can you let her drive all this divorce-related business since she's the one interested in it, while you try to focus on your exams, job search, and interviews?
Originally Posted by "44tries"
I'm not even spinning anymore, just going into shock and shutting down.
It can't be easy to hear someone who once loved you now hates you and may be in an A. Good job staying in the house and holding onto the MBR even while in the thick of it.
Originally Posted by "44tries"
I told her she has treated me and our MR like dirt. She has lied, she has cheated, she has walked out and quit. I told her I am getting this #$%* out of my life.
Responding to her venting with your own venting feels good but doesn't improve things.
Don't give her a list. I wouldn't talk to her very much for a while, just basic stuff. Take some time to calm yourself. Do some healing, do some growth, do some GAL.
Use this job opportunity to be the best you. Prepare thoroughly and go knock it out of the park.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks, CW. I am based in the US. I can and will let her drive the D business. She seems to think it will be so simple and easy. I can just let her know what I want of our possessions and that's that. I know it doesn't improve things to vent. But I have been holding in so much anger. I knew better, and honestly if I wasn't telling myself the whole time to stop, it would have been much worse. I didn't go on and on, I just wanted her to know I am not going to be waiting around for this merry go round cycle again. Now, I can't take anything back so just go forward with the best DB I can.
I didn't go on and on, I just wanted her to know I am not going to be waiting around for this merry go round cycle again. Now, I can't take anything back so just go forward with the best DB I can.
What did you say that you can't take back?
Frankly, I'm glad that you are mad. It's high time!
This is how I see it. These cycles will continue, until she sees you aren't going to put up with her shenanigans. IMHO, you need to take quicker action that the last cycle. It's got to have a harder impact, or else she will continue these patterns. . This is the time to let her know that you don't intend to go through another cycle of her trying to figure out what she wants....or whatever label she gives her "space & time". These cycles of hers seem to include another person and disrespectful behavior toward her H/M. You aren't going to hang around and play BFF's since she's dropped another bomb. You are tried of her immaturity, disrespect, etc., etc.
44, do you want to be responsible for the new house? Could you meet full payments on your own? One spouse may have to buy the other spouse, but IDK, since you've only lived there 6 months. You might want to stay silent about that house until you speak with an attorney.
Regarding your anger............some may tell you to remain calm and act as if it doesn't matter, and I believe that is correct for pertinent situations. IMHO, I believe she should see your anger just below sea level. An alpha male would not play nice-nice when hit with the second bomb drop. He would be done, and nobody should be more convinced than his WW. Since there are no children to hold him to the house, he would either wash his hands of her and the house, or kick her out. (Legally, you may not be able to kick her out, so check to see). Either way, I just don't think it is wise to stick around this time. I think she needs a clear picture of her life without her H there to accommodate her. I really don't think she'll care, until she actually experiences losing you.
This takes b@lls, 44. If I remember, didn't you give a boundary the last time of staying in an open marriage (or something of that equivalent)? Didn't you tell last time that you would not be disrespected? Well, it's time to put legs to your boundaries. Going through the same formation as played out in the previous BD, will be disastrous. She got off and was able to pick up way tooooo easily the last time. Plus, not much of anything appears to have changed her appetite to be in command over you. I think the unresolved issues from her past, is only a part that you see surface, and I don't think you should stick around to be her whipping boy. This time, I think requires physical separation........and I don't mean "in-house separation". This time.............you are the one who needs the space & time away from her, which includes texting, emailing, photos, etc. This is just my suggestion that you physically separate, drop the emotional rope you have tied to her, and go dark (no phone calls, etc.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, that escalated quickly. W came into the MBR and asked what my plan is. When I will be moving out. I told her if she thinks I am going to scurry away like a sad little mouse she is in for a surprise. I told her we could discuss a plan, but I will not accept her suddenly saying it is her house, her mortgage, and I just have to leave. Well...war was waged. She went stone cold. She told me our relationship means nothing to her. She even said she hated me "a little bit". She said she cannot stay under the same roof as me any longer. If I won't leave, she will. She said she is staying somewhere else tonight.
I told her she has treated me and our MR like dirt. She has lied, she has cheated, she has walked out and quit. I told her I am getting this #$%* out of my life. I told her I can't believe she has done this to me again. I asked her when the A started this time. Before or after I came to visit. She said she wasn't going to say anything. She stared blankly to whatever I said. I broke a lot of rules, only choked up a few times. Mostly I was just furious. But this was a BLOW UP. I am stunned. An A is confirmed in my mind. I don't have a choice now. She thinks we can just go to the courthouse and have an amicable divorce. I told her I can't trust anything she says, I do not know how this will go.
I don't know what to do. I am in shock. She has gone full on WW monster. I feel like my life has been ruined forever.
44, it sounds like you regret this conversation but honestly it needed to happen and for the most part it sounds like you handled it well. You stood your ground, told her you are not leaving, told her you will not be pushed around by her. Maybe it's NGS that's making you feel guilty but I see nothing wrong in any of that. The only thing I would ding you on is asking her when the A started, that's not really material, is it? Just knowing she's having an A is enough.
I agree with CW, do NOTHING in regards to the D. I would almost lay money that she will run her mouth about it but do nothing herself. She will more than likely try to browbeat you into doing the D work for her. Don't fall for it.
I also agree with ovr about not giving her the list she requested. MAKE HER DO THE WORK. If she brings it up again then tell her you have no intentions of making a list for her, but if she makes one you will be happy to review it.
I was really referring to CW saying it doesn't do any good to vent. I'm just saying I can't take whatever I did say back, but TBH I don't really regret anything I said. I didn't become hateful or spiteful. I didn't make any big claims or statements I can't back up. I just made it clear that I don't deserve this and have heard it for the last time.
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Frankly, I'm glad that you are mad. It's high time!
This is how I see it. These cycles will continue, until she sees you aren't going to put up with her shenanigans. IMHO, you need to take quicker action that the last cycle. It's got to have a harder impact, or else she will continue these patterns. . This is the time to let her know that you don't intend to go through another cycle of her trying to figure out what she wants....or whatever label she gives her "space & time". These cycles of hers seem to include another person and disrespectful behavior toward her H/M. You aren't going to hang around and play BFF's since she's dropped another bomb. You are tried of her immaturity, disrespect, etc., etc.
I am glad my anger is not misplaced. This was exactly my message. We are not friends. I said I don't want it to get ugly, but she has shown me nothing but disrespect and bad faith and therefore I cannot trust her or guarantee that this will go amicably (which I think is what she was really hoping for, that I would roll over and make this as painless as possible for her). When she asked for the 50th time what I plan to do, I said I guess hire a lawyer.
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44, do you want to be responsible for the new house? Could you meet full payments on your own? One spouse may have to buy the other spouse, but IDK, since you've only lived there 6 months. You might want to stay silent about that house until you speak with an attorney.
I was careful with what I said about the house. I shut down her talk of just kicking me out. She actually tried to say that it was HER house, I was just along for the ride. Unbelievable. When I pushed back, she said fine have it, mortgage is paid for October, you have a month to figure out how to pay for November. If I'm being honest to you here, no I don't think I want to be responsible for it. I probably will not stick around in this city as the job market here is not great for my field and I have much better opportunities a few hours away. I also do feel it would not be totally right to take it from her. After all, she is the one who has financially put into it and used her veteran's loan to purchase it etc. Don't worry I'm not going soft, and I will find out my legal rights and all options and not speak of any of this with her. But those are my preliminary thoughts on it. It is affordable, however, and if I get a job I don't doubt I could easily pay for it so it isn't about the money.
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Regarding your anger............some may tell you to remain calm and act as if it doesn't matter, and I believe that is correct for pertinent situations. IMHO, I believe she should see your anger just below sea level. An alpha male would not play nice-nice when hit with the second bomb drop. He would be done, and nobody should be more convinced than his WW. Since there are no children to hold him to the house, he would either wash his hands of her and the house, or kick her out. (Legally, you may not be able to kick her out, so check to see). Either way, I just don't think it is wise to stick around this time. I think she needs a clear picture of her life without her H there to accommodate her. I really don't think she'll care, until she actually experiences losing you.
I agree with this. Heck, even then I don't know if she'll care. She seems to truly be in the "we never should have gotten married" camp (she said this). Acts like I have been dragging her this whole way kicking and screaming. In some ways I guess she is right since she has always insisted on having one foot out the door. I can't help but think it is truly over, but it doesn't really matter right now.
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This takes b@lls, 44. If I remember, didn't you give a boundary the last time of staying in an open marriage (or something of that equivalent)? Didn't you tell last time that you would not be disrespected? Well, it's time to put legs to your boundaries. Going through the same formation as played out in the previous BD, will be disastrous. She got off and was able to pick up way tooooo easily the last time. Plus, not much of anything appears to have changed her appetite to be in command over you. I think the unresolved issues from her past, is only a part that you see surface, and I don't think you should stick around to be her whipping boy. This time, I think requires physical separation........and I don't mean "in-house separation". This time.............you are the one who needs the space & time away from her, which includes texting, emailing, photos, etc. This is just my suggestion that you physically separate, drop the emotional rope you have tied to her, and go dark (no phone calls, etc.)
I hear what you are saying. So, do you think I should leave immediately? I have stood my ground that I will not be FORCED out. I do not know if I should wait until I find a job or go stay with family while I search. This puts me at a somewhat disadvantageous position. But it gets the physical separation started. She is leaving on Friday to go to her family and care for her sister after surgery. She will be there all of next week. I do not know if I can find a job in that short time, but at least I have to stay until then for the dogs since she will be gone. If I get an interview in another city, I will book them a sitter for that night. To answer your question on the boundary, yes I made it clear last year I would not stay in an open marriage or be disrespected. I have no way of knowing for sure about any A, she was not going to admit to it. But my stance was/is, she might as well be and it's all the same. I'm glad you said going through the same formation as last time would be disastrous. That helps any fear/resolve I have about doing it differently (much more drastic) this time. I am ready to drop the rope and move on.
44, it sounds like you regret this conversation but honestly it needed to happen and for the most part it sounds like you handled it well. You stood your ground, told her you are not leaving, told her you will not be pushed around by her. Maybe it's NGS that's making you feel guilty but I see nothing wrong in any of that. The only thing I would ding you on is asking her when the A started, that's not really material, is it? Just knowing she's having an A is enough.
I don't regret the conversation, I just don't really know that it was "DB approved". I agree, I should not have even pushed the A issue. If I'm being honest, I just wanted to know. To help me cut the cord and be done with it all. It is not material to know when it started, like you said just knowing is enough. But that was the point, I do not KNOW. I have not been able to see any real evidence or catch her slipping up (quite the opposite of last time where it was very clear).
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I agree with CW, do NOTHING in regards to the D. I would almost lay money that she will run her mouth about it but do nothing herself. She will more than likely try to browbeat you into doing the D work for her. Don't fall for it.
I also agree with ovr about not giving her the list she requested. MAKE HER DO THE WORK. If she brings it up again then tell her you have no intentions of making a list for her, but if she makes one you will be happy to review it.
I agree with this completely. She did shock me with her resolve in this blow up; it is possible she will be willing to do the work herself. But she also admitted that she hasn't looked into anything (yet), can't say which day "this week" she will being going to the courthouse (I'm actually not even sure what she means by this, is that where you get D papers?). I'm sure she would love nothing more than for me to do the work for her and I am not going to. I will let her make the list. She said last night she wants her car and the house. Doesn't care about anything else. I'm sure she would change that tune when I bring the moving truck and leave the house empty.
Sorry you are going through this, 44. Your W sounds angry and defiant.
I agree with the others to sit tight and let things calm down. Work on getting your emotions under control and you will be in a much better position to make sound decisions.
Her anger is what surprised me. She hasn't really been angry before during BD. Her emotions were clearly running sky high. Wish I knew where it was all coming from. But time to let it go.
