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A Message from Michele
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Gerda Rises Up to Go On #2866632
09/27/19 10:23 PM
09/27/19 10:23 PM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Previous Thread:

Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

ďOh, how I have wasted my time?Ē said little Gerda; ďit is autumn. I must not rest any longer,Ē and she rose up to go on. But her little feet were wounded and sore, and everything around her looked so cold and bleak. The long willow-leaves were quite yellow. The dew-drops fell like water, leaf after leaf dropped from the trees, the sloe-thorn alone still bore fruit, but the sloes were sour, and set the teeth on edge. Oh, how dark and weary the whole world appeared!

For those paying attention, yes, I have gone back a few chapters in the story of the Ice Queen. Gerda had made it to the castle, but shortly after her tears melt the ice in Kay's heart. My tears have not melted anything except maybe some of the beautiful hearts here. So I realized I have not made it to the castle at all. Or that I don't know what the castle is.

Seven years in, and I am stronger and clearer-headed. My faith is I think stronger than ever, but I no longer try to understand God's plan for me and I think I am entering a new period of understanding that I can't ever get God to do what I want by being good. And this has set me on a totally different path of faith, one that is a lot darker in some ways.

I am no closer to believing that this is real. I live my life, I have joy and a whole life of my own, very full of many things I love to do and be, advances in my artistic career, and even friendships I didn't have before which are sometimes confusing. But I don't know what standing is anymore, as I face my H in court and see in some ways pure evil. Standing has been my identity all this time, and it was never confusing to love unconditionally. But this divorce is a whole new thing -- not the divorce but what he is doing to make it happen. I realize that in some ways he wants me totally destroyed. And yet I can so clearly see how broken he is, and I even feel sorry for him. That terribly broken man sitting in the court is not my man, but I can't stop believing that my man still exists. Even when I read the threads of my friends here -- sjohn and sbj and DnJ -- and see the acceptance in your posts, and hear about your dating, I get really sad. I don't believe it is real in your lives either. Everyone I know is always marveling at how happy and normal I appear, esp since H moved out. But I'm still on my knees at least once a day, totally bowed in grief. I have healed somewhat from my past but there is a gaping wound related to my future.

Last edited by job; 09/28/19 04:23 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread and removed link to another site

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866634
09/27/19 10:37 PM
09/27/19 10:37 PM
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Gordie Offline
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Thinking and praying for you. My post got deleted so trying again. Your gaping wound is real and donít feel you need to hide it. As your Lord invites Thomas to do, stick your hand in there. Acknowledging it and your helplessness in healing it is your first step in opening yourself to your Lordís healing. You know this.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866719
09/29/19 12:51 AM
09/29/19 12:51 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Gordie, you have no idea how good it is to see your name on my thread, let alone your beautiful message.

You said, "You know this." I don't know if I know it anymore. That is part of the struggle.

I thought about what you said for a long time last night and this morning, about sticking my hand in the wound. I am not even sure I know how, more than I have been doing all this time. For starters I just prayed for a while visualizing it. It's a mystery for sure. I am going to keep thinking about it.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866720
09/29/19 01:04 AM
09/29/19 01:04 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Today something awful happened.

In the morning H came to pick up D10, and D10 had asked me yesterday if I could be "friendly with Papa" again, as I was before. I told her I was sorry I hadn't been able to do that, that it was hard because of the way he was in court but I would try. So I was outside when he came, about to walk the dog. The dog was limping and H noticed this, after never noticing the dog at all these past years. He checked his paw and pet him, etc., and the dog was going crazy licking him and whining. D10 and I were looking at each other, and I knew we were both thinking, Wow, maybe H is still in there.

When she came back in the afternoon, she told me that Papa brought his friend, but don't worry, she is really nice, she is so nice, she is actually exactly like you, she is the kind person you would like, not like (the godfather who paid for his lawyer and who is weirdly often there when she sees H. I have told her is not a real friend to our family without saying why). I knew immediately who it was, but I said, "Oh what is her name," and it was the name of the OW from going on years now, the one he called, "My secret other wife," but I had thought it ended a while ago, I think it had but I guess he started it again. I don't know what I did with my face then, D10 was saying, "What's wrong?" And I finally mustered some response that nothing is wrong and ran out of the house for a little while. When I came back, I decided to make sure it was her, so I asked if she has kids. (I know that the OW had two young kids and H was always talking about how she was a "real Catholic since birth" as opposed to me, and how they were so moral and god fearing that they weren't sleeping together and that she wouldn't leave her husband because of her faith. ) D10 said happily, yes, said their ages. I asked if she was married and D10 said, "Well, that's the thing. Papa said she is married but she probably won't be very soon. So that's the one way she isn't like you." I said, "No, D, she is not like me. Not at all." She asked how I knew and I said, "I know who she is. She is not nice. She is a lot like (godfather from above)." I had so much trouble controlling myself, so don't judge me for saying that much. What I wanted to say was a million times worse, so that was pretty good in comparison.

And then I dropped her at a playdate and spiraled for three hours.

Also realized this might be why he is so violently set on getting me to sell the house quickly. He did the same thing a few years ago when I first found out about her, said he was taking his half of the house so he could marry her. I remember saying, "So you are going to break up two families and start a new one and you think all the kids are going just adjust to that?" And he said, "Yes, if you don't poison them against her." Now it's many years later, I am not even sure how many, and it's like he is replaying his first replay.

And here I am, looking for some hugs from my friends here. I imagine you must think it's insane that I am in year six and still so hurt by these things but as I said above, I still don't believe this is real. I still can't adjust my heart or my mind. It's like I have two lives, and sometimes I have to re-enter this horrible reality and I just look around wondering how I got here and not believing it, waiting to wake up.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/29/19 01:05 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866727
09/29/19 04:27 AM
09/29/19 04:27 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Gerda

Sorry about the tough day. You held your tongue very well when speaking about OW.

I hope you can believe me. Please do not feel judged or prosecuted. People here give advice and suggestions with the intent to help and illuminate, not to belittle. (((Gerda)))

I do understand when you speak of how it is like living two lives. It feels so unreal or maybe surreal is more apt.

For what it is worth my dear friend, you are making progress - no matter how much it doesnít seem like it to you. I see the movement. As I said, I hope you can believe me. Itís up to you if you will.

The double life does eventual become one, becomes real - all of it.

There is much denial, the inability to believe, in all of this. Things just donít feel right. Much like letting go of fear, one needs to rationalize things. To see things without the emotional attachment. If you recall, I found being accurate in thought and heart helped me walk along the path. Allowed me to rationalize things.

In my opinion, you are much further along than you think (or feel or believe whichever case youíd like to consider). You are more and more accepting your situation, the horrible reality you spoke of. And accepting that STBXH is not the man you knew, and that H might still be trapped somewhere deep inside. Whether he will ever emerge is beyond anyoneís knowledge, and left to the unknown future.

It is becoming more real, not less.

Perhaps it is not that you are waiting to wake up from this horrible reality, it is you are trying to go back to sleep.

Donít worry, things will merge and clarity will come. Stay the course.

Be accurate. Use your mental assertiveness, the sword and shield.

Iím right here beside you.

(((Gerda)))

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: DnJ] #2866729
09/29/19 05:06 AM
09/29/19 05:06 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Prepare yourself for a dark reply. I am really really sad tonight, so I apologize in advance.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Whether he will ever emerge is beyond anyoneís knowledge, and left to the unknown future.

It is becoming more real, not less.

Perhaps it is not that you are waiting to wake up from this horrible reality, it is you are trying to go back to sleep.


Yes, you are exactly right. That's it exactly. I don't want to walk anymore through this sort of daylight. I don't want to hope anymore and yet I can't give that up either. I am not losing my faith in God but what I thought it meant to follow God feels like it is killing me. Your total lack of any connection at all, I know it is devastating, but that is what I long for. To almost never have to see or know. To not bear witness to this anymore. It is so filthy to me, I feel like someone is holding my face in a pile of sh$t, like a mean dog owner does to a dog to train him.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Donít worry, things will merge and clarity will come. Stay the course.


What is the course? I can't even remember. All I have in front of me is endless horrible divorce proceedings, the depositions, the screaming and fighting no matter how silent I am or reading my book or looking up at lettering above the judge's head, "IN GOD WE TRUST."

Originally Posted by DnJ
Be accurate. Use your mental assertiveness, the sword and shield.


What is accurate? I can't remember. Can you do the thinking for me? I mean, can you spell it out for me in the post? It's like this past week I forgot how to read what is happening. I need something to follow, my mind is in a free fall and I can't figure out what the sword or the shield would be for me now, in my specific circumstance. Can you teach this kid to ride the bicycle again?

Originally Posted by DnJ
Iím right here beside you.


But you are not right here beside me. The physicality of my loneliness is precisely what is eroding my hope. There is a fog everywhere, in my head and even all around me, things literally piling up in my house because I can't muster the energy to attack that either. I feel like my loneliness is clawing at my heart, trying to rip its way out. This love I have been carrying for so long, with nowhere to give it.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/29/19 05:14 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866731
09/29/19 05:23 AM
09/29/19 05:23 AM
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Gerda, you and I look at the world very differently, but I see your pain tonight and I want you to know, from someone who has been there, that there is a place beyond the pain. Neither the divorce nor these feelings will last forever. As for your H and the OW, I worked in a place that had a policy never to hire people who had previously left. You see, experience had taught them that some people are convinced there is something better out there, so they are never happy. Or they try something new, and don't like it, and want to return to the old, but they aren't happy when they do. The same things that caused them to leave were still there when they returned. Retreading old, failed ground, is not a sign of happiness or moving on. Quite the opposite. And don't feel bad about what you said to your D. He was very wrong to take her around this woman, particularly without discussing it with you. Everyone complains about the erosion of values, but if you want your children to have a sense of yours, you have to take a stand against the things that threaten them.

Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: OwnIt] #2866743
09/29/19 12:52 PM
09/29/19 12:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,600
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Gerda,

I am sorry that things look bleak at the moment, but now you know what is driving his madness and vindictiveness towards you and wanting a divorce.

I find it interesting that he as circled back around to the same OW and she is still married. I would be surprised if she divorced her h after all of this time.

To me, it was very inappropriate to take your D around this woman and also to be having a discussion w/her about the woman not being married much longer. Too much info for a child, even one that is smart and more mature than he is.

I wouldn't say anything more about the OW or the man who helped pay for his legal fees to your daughter. You don't know if your h is grilling her for info and being a kind young lady and wanting her daddy's approval may talk too much and not realize she's doing it.

Gerda, it's not you...it's him. Work through the pain and then release it. You have to continue moving forward and not look in the rear view mirror for what once was is now in the past. Focus on you and your children and getting through the next few months.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866750
09/29/19 03:40 PM
09/29/19 03:40 PM
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Good Morning Gerda

OwnIt is so very correct - there is a place beyond the pain. The feelings of torment, loss of control, divorce, pain - they do not last.

She may very well also be correct, and her companyís policy, about not rehiring a person who has left or quit. Iím not sure about one strike and youíre out fits this exactly, but it is sure worth thinking about.

jobís advice is spot on as well. This is all about H, not you.

H is having inappropriate conversations with D10. As much as she is looking for validation from her Daddy, he is looking for validation from her. And he will gain inside knowledge from her, so be wary of what you share with daughter and son.

A very hard thing I had to learn, and was so freeing and helpful. The OP is someone of significance in our spouseís life. That other person will (probably) becomes a person of significance in our childrenís lives - possible, depending on what goes down.

Spouse and child - it is their relationship. Our job is not to maintain it. Our job is to not destroy it.

My XW and OM are still together coming up on two years. The kids visit her, and OM now. At first they hated him. Now they can cook breakfast for him. Forgiveness, not condoning. You can only control you, and hate is a terrible burden to carry around. Teach and show your kids well.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Yes, you are exactly right. That's it exactly. I don't want to walk anymore through this sort of daylight. I don't want to hope anymore and yet I can't give that up either. I am not losing my faith in God but what I thought it meant to follow God feels like it is killing me. Your total lack of any connection at all, I know it is devastating, but that is what I long for. To almost never have to see or know. To not bear witness to this anymore. It is so filthy to me, I feel like someone is holding my face in a pile of sh$t, like a mean dog owner does to a dog to train him.

Gerda, please read this carefully. I am proud of you.

Pushing back denial is painful. Opening up to what is actually going on is so hurtful. Questions are normal and necessary. This shows a great inner strength, especially admitting it. And by the way, when you find your way through this, not much is ever going to cause fear again. Just a little pep talk from the other side.

Hope lives in our belief in possibilities. I would not want to see you give that up. Hope looks towards a better future - and there are many that are possible. Focus on you and all the hopeful outcomes of your life, not Hís life. Your life.

Likewise for the light we walk in. As that light spreads into all the dark corners and recesses all manner of buried and forgotten pains and demons scurry about looking for a place to hide and fester again. That is all this is. Do not stop shining your light, give them no place to hide.

Originally Posted by Gerda
What is the course? I can't even remember. All I have in front of me is endless horrible divorce proceedings, the depositions, the screaming and fighting no matter how silent I am or reading my book or looking up at lettering above the judge's head, "IN GOD WE TRUST."

The course. Focus on you and the kids.

What does Gerda need and want? And do not include H in any answers. I know how hard that is - letting go. Trust this. You have those answers inside yourself, and you are starting to discover them. (((Gerda)))

Originally Posted by Gerda
What is accurate? I can't remember. Can you do the thinking for me? I mean, can you spell it out for me in the post? It's like this past week I forgot how to read what is happening. I need something to follow, my mind is in a free fall and I can't figure out what the sword or the shield would be for me now, in my specific circumstance. Can you teach this kid to ride the bicycle again?

Can I do the thinking for you? smile

Gerda, my shield is polished bright, and my sword is sharp. I walk a razors edge between encouraging and controlling, inspiring and rescuing, and sometimes I fail and step over that line. Remember you have the final say in what you do.

Accurate is like I just stated above. The truest, openest, most vulnerable version of reality. In accuracy - I am a fixer. I would love to rescue you. Instead I encourage and inspire (I hope smile ).

So be accurate in thought and heart. First thought - this will rationalize what is going on. Then heart - after a good rational grip on things oneís emotions do not run away on them and can be accurately viewed.

Intellectual car stuff is first. All the court screaming, anger, motions, and so on. See it, without emotion, for what it is. (By the way the following answers are only for you, no need to post them)

Who is proposing what? Who is pushing for what? Are there things you are pushing for? What are they? Are your emotions getting in the way? If so, in the way of what? How are S and D doing? Am I getting the bills paid? Is there food on the table? Am I really focusing on me? What am I really focusing on?

Ok, thatís enough examples.

Now, emotional car. How do you feel? Be vulnerable and true in your assessment. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Are you proud of it? Does it fill you with warmth, love, light, hope, joy, and such? Why and why not? Strengthen what is working and change what is not.

Focus on you and craft your reality. Sword and shield. You will fall off the bike more than you want too. Get back on, find you balance, and keep pedalling.

Originally Posted by Gerda
But you are not right here beside me. The physicality of my loneliness is precisely what is eroding my hope. There is a fog everywhere, in my head and even all around me, things literally piling up in my house because I can't muster the energy to attack that either. I feel like my loneliness is clawing at my heart, trying to rip its way out. This love I have been carrying for so long, with nowhere to give it.

I understand.

I also have piles of stuff all over my house. Piles of things from two years ago I need to go through. There are piano awards to hang on the walls, last yearís graduation pictures to print out and frame, piles of old homework and mementoes to store away, seldom used rooms in complete disarray, and such. The accumulations of a life on pause. Trust, itís ok, and it will get better.

I have started, but itís a lot of stuff. smile

Accuracy:

The physical loneliness. Have you even been with someone and still felt alone?

Loneliness is an emotion, triggered by the physical absence of a person, of a temptation. Looking at this accurately can provide ways of accepting and overcoming the emotional suffering it inflicts. I find you to be a very good person. I imagine you would be great company - even for yourself.

The erosion of hope is an illusion. It is the probabilities that are changing. We tend to tie hope to probability, instead of possibility. Hopeís strength lay in possible; expectationís strength, and lack of, lay in probable. For example, my perceived probability of XW awakening is diminishing. Everyday it gets lower and lower - if and when I think about it. smile However, the possibility of her awakening still exists, just as much as before. Therefore hope still exists, just as before.

Now, the big stuff. I am not like before. I have changed. Let go, dropped fear, forgave, and so on. Strengthened my beliefs, stand tall and proud, and face this in full light. I still hope XW awakens - for her. She and I have no relationship. Whatever the future might hold, we, her and I, have to craft something new. Even it were to be friends. It is very humbling to see where our control stops, and where the wisdom of respect and forgiveness really matters.

The probability of a reconciliation is not zero, itís very low, but not nil. That being said, my life, both day to day, and big picture, is not planned, designed, or lived by any possibilities or probabilities of her awakening or reconciling. Stand for you - is such an accurate position to live from.

Find the light and push back the fog that clouds your mind. You facing a divorce and many unknown outcomes and fears. I know and remember the crazy realities of my life at that time.

Breathe, focus on what is truly important - You and the kids.

Keep the business part of this as business. Uncouple and detach the emotional part with accuracy and rational thoughts. Decide on your headings, those grand lofty goals you would like to achieve, and walk towards them. Believe in, and follow the beacons in your life.

I am proud of you.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda Rises Up to Go On [Re: Gerda] #2866779
09/29/19 11:37 PM
09/29/19 11:37 PM
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HaWho Offline
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Gerda - just want to say I am sorry. Wish we could take the pain away. Itís awful, it really is.

Feel it and process it but know that you are strong. You deserve happiness and peace. You will build it over time, brink by brick.

Take it moment by moment. Be gentle on yourself. Believe better days are coming your way.

It does get better...


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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