Yes, it’s shocking to see how her attitude has changed. It’s heartbreaking actually. But I have zero control over it so I do my best to let it go (which I’m not very good at).
I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I had a close friend send the following article that I think sums up a lot of our sitches with depressed spouses. For me, this was helpful to read because it describes my W to a T. Sometimes we just don't have any control of these things, all the more reason to detach. We can't fix them.
Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.
It’s baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.
But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners.
It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.
I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.
I had a close friend send the following article that I think sums up a lot of our sitches with depressed spouses. For me, this was helpful to read because it describes my W to a T. Sometimes we just don't have any control of these things, all the more reason to detach. We can't fix them.
Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.
It’s baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.
But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners.
It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.
I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.
This is a good article, thanks for sharing this. While this probably explains what led to the WAS doing what they did, it also reinforces that there is nothing the LBS can do. It is their journey and they have to travel it alone.
I had a close friend send the following article that I think sums up a lot of our sitches with depressed spouses. For me, this was helpful to read because it describes my W to a T. Sometimes we just don't have any control of these things, all the more reason to detach. We can't fix them.
Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.
It’s baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.
But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners.
It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.
I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.
This is a very insightful article. This explains a little bit further why my W is seeking out a new life and potentially new relationships in another year or two, she has been doing therapy with three different counselors for the last year or so. what I really liked about this article note is how it describes how they can go numb and feel emotionally numb. Which is what leads them to escapism. They're looking for happiness, novelty, purpose and excitement outside of themselves because their self worth is so low either due to this conflict in the marriage or the inner conflict within themselves that they rarely share with anyone and keep private. Some like my wife are self-aware of this type of depression, they try to make all these changes I noticed however for themselves but never stick to it. Yep their expectations are the same for us, that we are the ones that have to change.
Another topic has come up before is being supportive. what do you do if someone that says you were never supportive of them but yet used to encourage them to take pride in themselves, yet always use every excuse not to when they were with you and they perceived you as being critical of them and insensitive. Yet when they are ready to leave you, they're all of a sudden recommitted to bettering themselves exercising at least trying to and taking better self-care. my real question about this is the reasons why they are doing it and who they are doing it for? Are they truly doing it for themselves and their self-worth and self-esteem? or are they doing it for the sake of validation from the opposite sex for sex appeal to boost their self-esteem? I've seen it too many times in too many of my relationships when they leave. you start seeing different haircuts more makeup products new perfumes that they would never wear around you before that you always requested. Newer more revealing and sexier clothing sexier underwear. Always going out with the girlfriends. I really want to know the secrets of these behaviors post-breakup. are they doing this to boost her self-esteem and ego externally to feel good about themselves by dressing better and taking better care of themselves or are they doing it to attract the opposite sex secretly for the sake of validation. externally and increase self worth? Ladies please give me the cold hard truth, and not the public spiel girl code of "just being nice and socially presentable" I don't read between the lines very well except by actions and prefer direct honest communication.
It makes a lot of sense for someone to think that a relationship is holding them back, and it [censored] that if we mention it might be another issue they can believe we are trying to say "You're depressed, so you're the one who's wrong", when we actually mean "I care about you and want to help you however I can so that you can feel good again".
Also, personally as a woman, whenever I went through a breakup and did that kind of thing it wasn't about the validation from the opposite gender, it was trying to feel good about myself and my life. Kind of like fake it till you make it, if that makes sense.
And I agree, we can’t point things out to the WAS. If we do, then we are invalidating them. It hurts because we know what’s happening, but we have to watch them implode.
My W cashed out her 401k to rent a home. I really think she is setting herself up for a big fall and there’s not a thing I can do about it.
It makes a lot of sense for someone to think that a relationship is holding them back, and it [censored] that if we mention it might be another issue they can believe we are trying to say "You're depressed, so you're the one who's wrong", when we actually mean "I care about you and want to help you however I can so that you can feel good again".
Also, personally as a woman, whenever I went through a breakup and did that kind of thing it wasn't about the validation from the opposite gender, it was trying to feel good about myself and my life. Kind of like fake it till you make it, if that makes sense.
Ok I get the GAL fake it till you make it mindset. We've all been there after a breakup or uncoupling. That we need to try new things, find ourselves, take better care of ourselves, etc. But still. When you know a persons habits inside and out for so many years. You can clearly tell when they are putting in more effort to maintain their public appearances and image that they are doing well, but then privately see them be inconsistent with their public appearance. To me its all a show. Now granted some people take care of certain areas of their lives and not others. But usually their is either consistency of a healthy individual, or inconsistency of a unhealthy individual. I still think men and women after a breakup, attempt to reform themselves into a better version which is fine. But where in what part of your life is it measurable? I still think depending on the individual and how secure/insecure they are and where their self worth is at that time? They secretly start dressing to impress not only their friends and family members, but to attract the opposite sex just in case they may happen to run in or meet someone of interest where the opportunity arises. JMO.
Just read through your sit. So sorry you're here yet again, I can only imagine what it feels like going through this again.
I'm still in the middle of this, 13 months in, and my W is also fighting depression, though she adamantly refused any help when I talked to her about it (kindly, with reserve) once over a year ago.
I have had to leave her to fight it alone, I had hard but necessary conversations with her letting her know that she can talk to me when she is ready, and that I will let her go if that is what she thinks will make her happy, I am not here to stop her. I also told her that I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. It actually eased some of the tension.
All of this has come at a great cost emotionally, mentally, and physically. Some people in my life are also telling me to move on, so we do have some similarities in our sit
I recommend you take the advice you are given from friends and the like as much as you find it useful, but to also consider the source.
The only person who knows truly when you are ready to act (or not to act), is you. Others say things that they THINK they would do if they were in your situation, but it is their projection of a fictional reality based on an incomplete picture. They cannot know any other reality than their own. You are the one who knows if you are done or not.
Keep the focus on you - as you already know. Keep yourself strong, stay calm, get as grounded as you can.
