Thanks, T. We are exactly 6 months from purchase. Gutted, indeed. I still almost can't even believe it...how confused must she be to cheat on me, BD me, decide to stay, BUY A HOUSE, and then BD again...?? She made such big efforts to say how the house is OURS, our family, our home. Now of course it's when am I moving out.
I have been reading a lot in the boundaries thread. Lots of great stuff I need to hear. And I know, I won't react when I feel emotionally charged. I left our conversation earlier, still staying mostly dark. I just don't have it in me right now to even talk to her.
Wow. Are we married to the same woman? All logic and decency is completely gone. Stay dark if you are emotional right now. In fact, that’s how my W came back every time, I simply go NC and she will reach out in a few months.
I hope I’m strong by the time she reaches out next time.
Sure seems like it, huh? That is exactly the same for me. As soon as I went dark and GALed, she was completely turned around. Not enough to immediately recommit, but her decision to leave was stopped in its tracks. Now, like you, I wonder what I am going to do if (when) that happens.
Thinking back about the house, I realized that I was wrong about her totally "sliding back" last time. That was how she told me she wanted to recon, she said we were going to buy a house and it would be "our" house. Obviously, it needs to be more of a conversation, but that was the moment she recommitted. I just feel so discouraged that we are back to this. And that I could have been so dumb not to see it coming.
Yeah I get it, you feel shocked but if you view it from an outsiders perspective, it’s obvious that another BD was likely. Did you guys ever work through your previous breakups? Or did you just get back together and sweep things under the rug while you enjoy another honeymoon period? I think that’s been W and I’s pattern.
We never had another honeymoon period. Things got better, sure. And I worked on me and what I had learned through DB and I think it helped. Our MR was better throughout last year than the year before prior to the BD. But my W really prefers the rug method. My biggest problem was not only not acting like a married woman, but not acting like a married woman who cheated a year ago. She did not become an ally to me during my healing, did not offer me reassurances. I don't know what I was supposed to do about this, but it was a consistent source of further insult and pain. Maybe I was being too needy on the inside (I didn't voice too much about the issue because it never ended well. Again, voicing it loud last week is what caused BD).
I woke up to a text from W that said "I'm not looking forward to driving." Why is my mind always blown? I am feeling hopeless we could ever be on the same page. I could be driving for her, we could be taking our anniversary trip. I am having deja vu again, except it's not. I remember writing something very similar last year when she complained about a consequence of HER choice.
You are like me in that you are trying to use logic and reason to figure this mess out. Unfortunately, your W is basing decisions in her emotions and how she’s feeling at the time. It’s impossible to understand her mindset during this time.
I am trying to establish my boundaries for when she returns home. I feel furious I have been here holding down the fort, missing her and counting the days, only to have them finally wind down and find I now dread her return. I don't know what to expect or accept during this time. I have no idea what she is going to say or do. I keep wondering if I made the right choice to break the friendliness after BD. I want to (HAVE to) find a position of strength and whatever I have learned told me I had to take that stand. I would never had done that last BD. Now, I want to keep making the right decisions from the get go.
Will she say she is moving to the guest bedroom? Will she try to tell me to? First BD (which really was a bomb that didn't actually go off) she never left the bed. Second BD (aka A) she said it was no longer "appropriate" to sleep in the same bed. Really she wanted privacy to text OM all night. Now, don't know if there is an A, don't even really know how serious she is, no intel. I cannot prepare for or prevent the gutted feeling I will get when she tells me she wants IHS again. This is what confirmed to me not to remain friendly, because I know I would have just watched my every word and took the pressure off to warm her up. Then she would get home and I would be so hopeful. Then she would still say she wants IHS and I would be devastated. I cannot put myself through that emotional trauma.
So, now what? I will not move into the basement if she tries to go that route. There is a tiny guest room down there with a new, comfortable bed that she can happily use if she no longer desires to share a room/bed. I have to remind myself that this is my home as much as hers, despite her role as the financial provider. I don't know why I struggle with trying to DB without just pretending this is all okay. What is the most mature, calm-assertive way to express my anger and show strength? What kinds of boundaries should I be enforcing NOW? I feel like if my boundary is 'I feel disrespected by the lack of communication prior to a bomb drop on my MR and I need an MR partner who is committed to staying and working on things', then right now I better be enforcing it by filing for D.
W seemed pretty open about what she did for her birthday. She has never become sneaky about having beers and dinner with her group. And she never did the period of complete distancing that happened with the last A. Literally overnight, at the time she first cheated, she became a mute, lifeless, hostile rock. None of that now, at least until I instigated NC.
I'm starting to doubt there is an A. I will know when she gets here whether she goes to her phone. I really am trying not to even think about until then. But it almost makes me more scared if there is no A. Like she really is that miserable and must be serious to do this after everything. Why am I scared at all... no fear, detach....
I am aware of how much wiser I am than I was last time, but here I am still spinning just the same.
