Rooskers, I know you're right... there is a friend I had earlier decided I could talk to about it. I'll give her a call. I was trying not to get friends involved unless absolutely necessary. I just don't understand how someone who has been such a stand-up guy his whole life (and always refused to even tell white lies) has now turned into a liar and a cheat.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
BREATHE!!!! Step back and calm yourself down. Doing and saying things when you are angry will not help any situation and you could very well say things that you can't take back later. The more you try to control what he does, the more he's going to lie and keep things from you, and, yes, do exactly what you don't want him to do.
You are angry, but you can't control him. He's a grown man and will do what he needs to do to figure things out. The only person you can control is yourself and your actions.
I would find something to do, i.e., yell, beat the stuffing's out of a pillow, take a long walk or call a very close friend up and go out to dinner. The less you say right now, the better. You do not want to come off sounding like a shrew or his mother...you want him to look at you as his friend and spouse. Going off on him will only make him more apt to look at the ow in a good light...that is not what you want.
The more you demand, the more he will pull away. If you settle down, listen and you will find the answers you need...but coming off as a bulldozer will not get you what you want. It takes many many months to get to detachment, but you need to focus on you and keep your expectations of what you think he should be doing at zero. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Work on yourself and if you have things about yourself that you don't like, now is the time to focus on them and make some changes...but those changes are for you, not to win him over.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job, thank you... you are completely right. I need to get my DB and Healing From Infidelity books back out and re-read. Question-- I think there is a decent chance he'll tell me about seeing her when he gets home. How should I respond? Just validate and listen, try to understand why?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I would listen to see what he has to say about his trip. I would not bring up the ow at all. I doubt that he'll say anything about her, but I certainly would not ask him about it. The less you show interest in this woman, the better. Try to remember that you are the prize and she's just a band aid to his pain at the moment. When he sees that you are gong on about your life, living it to the fullest and actually enjoying doing things, he may very well turn his eye back on to you and be curious about what you are doing. You want to look more appealing to him that the ow.
Keep those expectations at zero and do not assume what he is doing or thinking. Assuming tends to get us into trouble because we aren't mind readers and don't have a clue what he is thinking.
The bottom line here is if you want to try to save your marriage, then you need to redirect that anger on to some project that you hate to do and keep the focus on you. When you feel that anger rising, go find something to do and try not to direct it on to him.
You can do this...it takes practice, but you can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks so much. That is exactly what I need... especially the assuming part. I think I keep attributing reasons behind his behavior and expecting XYZ is coming next... which is why this was especially hard since things had been going so well. He went from flinching at my touch several months ago (so I stopped) to initiating physical contact, initiating quality time together, calls just to chat and joke around, talking about vacation plans, etc. Been trying to work on our friendship and trust (explicitly) so this just feels like a huge step backwards.
Wow-- he just called to check in and chat and I was totally friendly, joked around and made him laugh, he told me what he'd been working on all day, etc. I did ask him what he was doing next ("finding some dinner") and I asked him if he'd gotten in touch with two good friends who we rarely see who live in that city-- he was like no! I haven't reached out, I didn't get my act together enough to find time to let people know I'd be in town. I was like really? That is too bad.. I was wondering why you spent 6 hours (train plus dinner) with (mutual friend) last night instead of calling our other (closer) friends... what DID you talk to (mutual friend) about for six hours anyway? He paused, sighed, and then said "ugh, she's so annoying." And then went on to say maybe he'd get in touch with our other friends and to call him later when I picked up the kids to talk, he's looking forward to updating me on one of his meetings, etc.
I'm proud of myself for controlling my response. I also kind of hate that I feel so much better now after talking with him even though he is lying.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I WANT to call him right now and ask him why he lied... I don't think that is a great idea. He comes home tomorrow.
Argh! That part of you that wants to call him a pile of smelly shoe leather, maybe is better to express here.
Originally Posted by "may"
I'm also wondering if I should confront him when he gets home and set some limits
What might those limits look like? There's a GREAT post on here called the Boundaries Cheat Sheet that helps guide setting good BOUNDARIES (limits to protect you) vs. poor ULTIMATUMs (limits to control others).
What might those limits look like? There's a GREAT post on here called the Boundaries Cheat Sheet that helps guide setting good BOUNDARIES (limits to protect you) vs. poor ULTIMATUMs (limits to control others).
CWarrior, this is really helpful-- thanks so much. I was imagining that the boundaries I had set was the "no contact' which he'd agreed to, though there was no ultimatum or establishment of what would happen if he did. I asked for it out of respect for me and to work on the trust between us, which we need as co-parents no matter what happens, and he had agreed. Knowing I can't control his behavior and only my own reaction/response, I am feeling like this was a setback-- frustrating especially because we had become so much closer in the last couple of weeks-- but trying to play the long game and setting conditions that he can't meet now just isn't productive. What I'm struggling with is worried about my own self-respect since I DID ask him for NC and he'd agreed but has now violated that.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Another question-- does anyone have experience with a WS who has cultivated a total fantasy D situation? In his head, we can be divorced but still have dinner together as a family multiple times a week, vacation together, he'll still mow the lawn and handle the stuff around the house he used to. I try not to talk about it anymore as one of my 180s because early on I painted a really bleak (but probably more realistic) picture of D and he was incredibly resistant.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
My EXWW literally wanted a D, but us still live together like BFFs so that it wouldnt impact the kids. She literally came to my room, said "sorry" coughed up come fake tears and said "you dont have to move out".
They are delusional. I literally told her that I am not her friend and that since she chose her boss and to cheat one me, and to mistreat me and divorce, that I would not be her friend. I told her that I was her husband, not a friend. I told her that it was all or nothing.
It royally p!ssed her off because it burst her fantasy bubble. She just got angry and mistreated me more. But I am glad I said it.
Last edited by job; 09/25/1910:50 PM. Reason: edited language
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
My EXWW literally wanted a D, but us still live together like BFFs so that it wouldnt impact the kids.
SoTorn, glad you burst her fantasy bubble... it blows my mind that they think that would be possible for the long term. One of my problems is that we have friends who divorced 5 years ago and up until the last six months or so had literally done exactly what my husband is fantasizing about... they lived separately but spent every holiday together including traveling to his parents house for a week, ate dinner as a family several times a week, etc etc. I think the main reason it worked is because he didn't date and while she did a bit it was never serious. Now, he has a new GF who is putting a stop to all of it, so at least WH is seeing that can't last when a new person comes into the picture. We have another good couple friend who last year the wife said wanted a divorce, the husband said basically "OK" and within six months they were D, still friends, seeing other people seriously, and they eat dinner together several times a week. My husband keeps saying "they are so much happier now."
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
