Signed the lease today and will move me and D17 on October 5th.
My only issue is D14. She's chosen to live with WAH and he doesn't have a place yet. That leaves her at the house alone with S19 which isn't a bad thing except I'm taking the entire kitchen contents (he's getting all the furniture). S19 is moving in with me during the week. D14 could stay with me until WAH gets a place or WAH could move into the house after I leave.
I do not have a place for her to sleep. Air mattress? Couch? A trundle bed would work in my room but I don't have the money for that.
It makes more sense for S19 to live with WAH but that isn't up to me.
Have you checked any freecycle sites ? Maybe a charity can help ? It may be that for D14 staying with WAH is a way in her mind to keep the family together. I’ve read that if you write down 5 things you are grateful in the morning for this can give a lift
D14 is the baby of the family. She's a princess, spoiled and is following the money. She texts WAH all day everyday to suck up. When she found out I was renting a house she immediately said she was moving in with me as opposed to him/apartment but then she realized she could manipulate WAH into one upping me (her own words). She sent him a link to this big, nice house with 4 bedrooms that she wants. S19 told me last night that WAH is trying to rent that house.
S19 (aspergers) asked me "what about the rest of us" meaning I rented a tiny, old house. I explained factually that WAH has more money than me. He then asked "why not me?". He spends time with WAH because he wants to not because of some bribe. I didn't badmouth WAH but I didn't defend him either. I sincerely told S19 I would understand if he wanted to live in the nicer house. S19 has a car and will be living close by so I'd see him plenty for dinners and do his laundry (WAH works a lot).
S19 said no, called us the "small house group". Said it didn't matter because after college he'd get his own place anyway. True.
I get WAH for doing anything to keep one kid close. D17 has disowned him and S19 is busy. What WAH doesn't realize is that he's further alienating the other 2 by playing favorites. He also doesn't realize that once D14 gets what she wants the sucking up will stop. She'll retreat back to her room, her social media stardom, and her friends. It's what she does now. The tables will turn and she will suck up to me to bring her to my house often because its more "fun" (her words) and she will be lonely. I raised 2 great kids so I'm not sure where I went wrong with D14.
WAH thinks the house will entice S19 to move in with him (his words). S19 said no. The house isn't in the school district so I have no idea how he will get D14 to school and back. Not my problem but dang what a mess.
It makes more sense for S19 to live with WAH but that isn't up to me. I’ve lost everything even S19 said that. Said it’s the reason he’s standing by me. He doesn’t want me to die.
It CAN be up to the parents even at 19/20/21. Co-parents who want to accomplish this provide a bedroom and Internet at one house but not the other. That can work when co-parents are cooperating.
Originally Posted by kas99
D14 is the baby of the family. She's a princess, spoiled and is following the money.
If I read correctly, you've decided your three kids will each live with one parent or the other, and as they grapple with divorce you're asking them to pick sides. You believe your son is staying with you because he doesn't want you to die, and your daughter is staying with him because he can afford a nicer home.
It CAN be up to the parents even at 19/20/21. Co-parents who want to accomplish this provide a bedroom and Internet at one house but not the other. That can work when co-parents are cooperating.
WAH won't commit to anything. When asked a direct question about the kids living arrangements he ignores it so I quit asking. If I discuss this with the kids they tell him and then he ups the ante to maintain control.
CW in his plan to leave me he thought he'd have all 3 because I'm mentally ill. Honestly I thought the same thing. What neither of us counted on was I got better so now he's scrambling to come up with a new plan. He doesn't have one (yet) and this is why he won't answer my questions.
Quote
If I read correctly, you've decided your three kids will each live with one parent or the other, and as they grapple with divorce you're asking them to pick sides. You believe your son is staying with you because he doesn't want you to die, and your daughter is staying with him because he can afford a nicer home.
I'm the one who screwed this up (before I started taking the new medications) but I've since taken it back. I didn't see it as picking sides (at the time) I saw it as choosing where they wanted to live so they could have their own bedroom (3 kids/me - 3 bedrooms). I'm an idiot. A true idiot. I thought logically not emotionally. I feel terrible.
It gets worse. I encouraged S19 to live with WAH because it made more sense not once considering how he felt about it. I've since found out he's protective of me (depression) and he's not ready to be away from me (special needs). He seemed more grown up than he really is so I was blindsided. I then told him if he wanted to stay with me I'd make it work. He said he does want his own bedroom so his solution is to spend most of his time with me (WAH works a lot). He will live 5 minutes from me so it's doable. He knows now I WILL find a place for him to sleep even if that means I sleep in the living room. My kids come first.
Meanwhile D14 has come to the realization that WAH will continue to spoil her and I won't (I quit recreational shopping and he can't say no). D14 then made her claim that she wanted to live with him. I don't think WAH wants this but I don't think he can say no. S19 then decided he would live anywhere she ISN'T. He doesn't get along with D14 and doesn't want to babysit her while WAH is working all the time. D17 is living with me so this is between S19 and D14.
......meanwhile I have NO idea what WAH is doing or thinking. S19 says he is winging it and has no plan. Says he's working 16 hour days. D14 tells me he's promising her the moon. WAH has given notice to the rental company that we are moving out (I got cc'd on this). I then scrambled to find a place to live - signed the lease yesterday - moving next Saturday.
I think of that movie Hope Floats when the daughter wants to live with her father. The mom starts to talk some sense in her but instead stops and lets her figure it out for herself. Father picks his new gf and drives off...
This is where I'm at. If I fight D14 she will resent me so my best course of action is to let this play out.
Why wouldn’t you have shared custody with your 14 yr old?
I'm an unusual parent in that I'm not going to push D14 to spend time with me. I'm not going to participate in her playing WAH and I against each other. I'm not going to entice her, bribe her or make her feel guilty. She has joined WAH in fantasy land about how great life is going to be and all attempts to convince her otherwise have failed. If anything I made it worse so I've decided to drop the rope.
It's not personal. D17 stopped talking to him so he's clinging to D14 as if his life depended on it. It's sad to use this analogy but for WAH it will be like leaving me for OW. He ran away from his family and his responsibilities (6 months ago) so after the initial high of having a kid live with him full time he will lose interest when the fantasy fails to materialize. He wants to be a disney dad but he hates amusement parks.
Wow K I really hope your not giving up time to spend with your D and try to use her as a pawn so your STBXs fantasy land crashes.
I would have never settled for less then 50/50.
I’ve already been through this once with D14 and WAH. At times he gets desperate. If I fight him over D14 when he’s like this he digs in his heels determined to beat me however the biggest mistake he made was moving out. In becoming a better person I’ve bonded with the kids in ways he can’t understand. His present focus is on a fantasy, a selfishness, a view of how single life is supposed to go. Instead of building an actual relationship, an actual life he chooses short cuts. So he takes D14 to the mall every weekend for a month. Once the novelty wears off and his wallet is empty D14 comes back home to me. This is his pattern.
Most LBS know that lasting change takes time and effort. My WAH isn’t changing he thinks I’m the problem. He’s fired up now and desperate because we are moving. So yes I will give up time in the short run but he will lose patience....again and she’ll end up with me. Relationships take work and he’s tired from working 16 hours a day to divorce me. S19 said tonight he gets the better house but I get the family and I didn’t have to buy them.
I’m not settling for anything I’m simply outsmarting him.
