Read all of the links above. They are not advertisements. They are guides. Although, every situation is different, when you have a wayward or walkaway spouse, the action you need to take is the same.
All wayward and walkaway spouses act very similar. In fact so similar its freaky and seems like its a script. Because of this, what you need to do is fairly straight forward yet very counterintuitive.
In short, you need to back off of your husband. You need to accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop what he is doing. If you keep pushing, he will pull away faster and faster.
If he is cheating, you need to make the decision if thats a dealbreaker or not. It was for me and therefore I ended up divorced.
Right now you focus on you. Stop any negative behaviors that contributed to your 50% of the marriage. Better yourself. Go to the gym, get busy, get a life, get into the world and do something with yourself. Detach. Aka back off. Let him be. Focus solely on yourself. Doung what makes you happy. Drop all expectations of the marriage and any expectations you have of him. This is to protect yourself emotionally and may, and I mean may, impact him by making him feel the loss of you. But thats not the goal.
The goal is to get yourself to a point where you are not an emotional wreck and are ok with the possibility that you may end up single. Work on yourself. Become the strong, independent, emotionally mature woman who loves herself and gives herself what she deserves.
Stop all talks about the relationship. Stop begging, pleading, fighting etc. It does nothing positive. Read everything posted by Cadet. Read it again after. Keep posting, especially if you want to talk to your H or take any sort of action. It hurts and its a very long journey and process. But you will end up a better person single or married, if you appropriately apply these techniques to your life.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
It sounds hard and impossible, but the best thing you can do right now is work on yourself. Keep yourself busy and keep yourself happy.
As people say above - have no expectations. Act 'as if' everything is fine in your life. The more happier you feel, it will continue with little effort. I find that now, months after, I'm feeling really good and actually a bit excited about what might happen. I'm increasingly of the opinion that if you stay positive, then positive things will happen.
My situation is slightly different in that I was unfaithful to my W, but she is the one rushing through D. For me, this was 3-4 months from initial discovery to being served papers and house up for sale.
Do not mention your relationship to your spouse. Drop the rope and let them go. Focus on you.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
I'm don't think I'm able to change anything with the way that he choose to conduct...Neither how to continue living like nothing happened. We had a really large fight about our relationships, he still refusing of visiting a family therapist. He's not even valuing me...I think it's better for me to fill all divorce papers and just get it over with it... I really tried my best, by I can't work out everything for him, it's impossible to live with each other without being completely open about your feelings. What would be the best way to start the divorce process? We're on a budget, so I'm afraid to ask how much would it cost of going through divorce process. Is it okay using online for that kind of purpose? Or should I hire an attorney instead? What are my options here?
Last edited by Cadet; 09/25/1910:52 AM. Reason: Link not allowed
I'm don't think I'm able to change anything with the way that he choose to conduct...Neither how to continue living like nothing happened. We had a really large fight about our relationships, he still refusing of visiting a family therapist. He's not even valuing me.
I completely relate to your feelings of frustration and hoplessness. If you read other's stories you'll realize (as it's already been stated above) that his behavior is the same or similar to everyone else's WHs/WWs.
Quote
I really tried my best
Sounds like you're at your whit's end. We get it.
How long has this been going on? Seems like there might be more to do.
Quote
it's impossible to live with each other without being completely open about your feelings.
It does seem impossible. It feels impossible. I feel it's impossible every day. Then I DECIDE it's not.
It's just counter intuitive and as difficult a thing as there is ever to do. I'm struggling mightily with it but it can be done.
Quote
What would be the best way to start the divorce process? We're on a budget, so I'm afraid to ask how much would it cost of going through divorce process.
I would slow down.
You stated your divorce options pretty well as far attorneys go. I might go see one to find out information and see what you might have to do to protect yourself. If you file, in many states, that takes a lot of your control out of you hands and into the court. You don't want that.
Don't make big decisions right now.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
As a moderator and a poster, I am going to give you some "gentle" advice. I realize that you are new to the forums and may not have taken the time to read the Board policies, but one of the policies is not to post links to other sites, especially those that are very similar to what we do here. Cadet has been kind enough to edit out the links that you've posted recently.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm don't think I'm able to change anything with the way that he choose to conduct...Neither how to continue living like nothing happened. We had a really large fight about our relationships, he still refusing of visiting a family therapist. He's not even valuing me...I think it's better for me to fill all divorce papers and just get it over with it... I really tried my best, by I can't work out everything for him, it's impossible to live with each other without being completely open about your feelings. What would be the best way to start the divorce process? We're on a budget, so I'm afraid to ask how much would it cost of going through divorce process. Is it okay using online for that kind of purpose? Or should I hire an attorney instead? What are my options here?
Have you gone to or considered going to individual counseling even if your H won't go to marriage counseling?
