You seem to care about D12. In this crazy state, she doesn’t seem to realize how precious a good step-parent relationship is. You do seem stronger in your responses than most during their first BD, and you have some understanding of the cycles, so perhaps this won’t be quite the same life again.
Just made it back from the gym and absolutely killed it. My anger is rearing it’s head. I’m trying not to be a victim here but I feel so duped by W. When she came back the last time, she assured me she had worked on her issues with a therapist to find out why she runs. She promised me and D12 she was here to stay and even if things got tough, she was willing and determined to work through those things with me. One year later, and she’s gone again. I’m an idiot. Everyone warned me this would happen. But I let my love for W cloud my better judgement.
My goal is to process my pain, dive head first into my issues and why I’ve continually gotten back together with W, and completely drop the rope.
Thornton, opening your heart to another despite challenges and their/your imperfections may be stupid, but it’s also inherently courageous. Moving on after 3-4x does sound wise. I hope you find someone equally courageous.
Because W is going to stay in town, I’m afraid of running into her while I’m out. I’d much prefer to never have to see her again as that’s the best way for me to detach from her.
My whole life will change on October 1, that’s move out day for W and D12. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have any anxiety about all of this.
I woke up and W was acting happy go lucky. She seems so excited to be getting her new place. It’s just another gut punch for me. How can she just up and dump me again and act excited around me? I haven’t acted down or depressed around her so “acting as if” is going well.
Took my mom to church which was nice. The message was good and applied to my current situation. There were a few times I teared up because W and I attended services consistently, to not have her there anymore (she hasn’t gone in 3 weeks), really hurt.
After church I was talking with my mom, and she said I hope you are strong enough to resist W when she comes back, because she will come knocking, that’s her pattern. I have to make moving on my goal, truly letting her go.
Does your W have affairs during BDs? I haven't seen you mention one but making sure I didn't miss it.
I wonder the same thing..."how can she just...??". When I finally told my W the news about my grandfather yesterday, she said "God I feel so bad I'm not there for you". As if her being home right now would make me feel better. As if she didn't just make this 100x worse to deal with.
Glad you got to church. Your mom is right about the pattern. That's the crazy thing; it's like a double whammy. Right now it's the searing pain of losing her and our lives together, wanting nothing more than for her to change her mind. But, we know how this ends...get what you wish for and the cycle resets. No way to win. Why is it so hard to admit that the only sane choice is to get off the merry go round?? Wish I knew.
No affairs for W, thus far. Still, I have to get off this roller coaster. W is acting happy go lucky today and it’s gotten me spinning. Im just angry at myself for allowing this to happen again. My concern now is swinging too far the other way on the pendulum and never letting anyone person get close to me again. I feel so damaged by all of this that I can’t imagine being a good partner to anyone.
How silly is it that I feel caught off guard by wife’s actions? The fact I actually chose to beleive in her again is disturbing to me. I allowed this to happen again. And now I’m paying the piper.
The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.
I've been struggling the past few days trying to find acceptance in my situation.
W has recently started warming back up to me, nothing significant but she's starting to act like a respectable human being again and acknowledging my existence. I guess it doesn't even matter, I've been through this with her 4x times now and it always plays out the same way.
I think the reason I'm struggling this time is because I know I need to let her go. In the past, I would pin my hopes on recon and distract myself with DBing 24x7.
Something else that bugs me is that W has a big support network of friends. She's much more extroverted than I am so it feels like she has this big team of cheerleaders and I have a few close friends to lean on.
