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#2866083 09/22/19 04:39 PM
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Been lurking some time but feel itís time to come toward .

History been together 12 years married 4. Second marriage for both . Both have 1 child from first marriage and have 1 child together .

Rocky relationship for some of the time . Had a few move outs on his part for short periods usually few weeks then we would always reconcile . Some arguments on both ends have turned quite physical or verbal . Many periods of calmness as well over the 12 years . Spend a lot of time together dating and enjoying each otherís company . He is always liked more freedom to come and go with his friends . Myself I enjoy my life to be filled with my kids and my husband . Always a source of conflict .

About a year ago we had one of our verbal fights . I said hurtful things he did as well . About a month or so after he became letís say ďwithdrawnĒ stopped saying I love you and basically was a dead fish . Out with friends . Ignoring me when home . Gym . Golfing ..no sex unless I initiated. I picked up the pace planned more outings and get aways . Just left him alone when out . He then tells me in April he was planning on moving into a condo alone , full blown plan while I had no idea but feels more secure now .

Obviously this did not sit well with me and threw me into a tail spin . So months of back n forth of him saying he wanted to be there had little avail on me and out the door he went in a fit of rage after another fight .

First 3 days did all the no no noís. Beg plead cry

So 3 months in this is where I am . He has said he has no intentions of coming home . He loves me but wants to be alone and not in a relationship . From the get go he has been staying over 2-5 nights a week . Yes in the marital bed and yes is intimate every time .I rarely over last few weeks call or text. But he will everyday .Some of the nights are planned to help with children . Some he just wants to spend time with me and the kids . I GAL often . I donít ask where his is nor do I offer where I am . Anytime I say something about relationship or hinting at something he pulls back with eventually you will find someone else .

What in the world do I do here ??? Stay like this ??? Pull the rug out and cut ties ??

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Sorry you find yourself here, Cali.

First things first, take the time to read through all of Cadetís homework. Second, make sure you read Divorce Remedy, itís important you know exactly what you are up against. Knowledge is power.

Lastly, have you noticed any red flags that might indicate an affair for H?

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Possibly . Heís always been in some sort of unexplained situation . A weird text that just does sound right when I have looked . Many female friends . Always latches on to one for long spurts .Never been able to get a solid base though of proof . I bought divorce busting months ago . Read a few times . 7 love languages as well .

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I am also completely on fence as to if he is a walk away or MLCer. Heís 36 I am 39. But he is also very inconsistent. Says heís never moving back in yet spend quite a bit of time here . Parties hard at times but then full blown crashes . He hasnít really spewed any hate in the last month or so . Seems completely comfortable being in and out . The only time I really get any type of what heís feeling is when he doesnít see me for a few days and has no idea what I am up to . Then its we both did this to our marriage . I just had the courage to pull the plug on it . Next day will be over and back in the bed and out the door next day .

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Keep posting. Keep focusing on you and your kids. I know you dont want to hear it but there is a huge possibility that he is having an affair. It sounds like he is a wayward husband.

What he is doing is cake eating and it is not fair to you. He wants to be single, possibly sleep with other women, so he moves out. But he wants to keep you emotionally attached so he can enjoy your MR whenever he wants.

You should stop being physical because he could be putting you at risk. This back and forth is doing immense damage to you emotionally. Read the detachment rules. Read Sandis rules. Apply those techniques.

You deserve better.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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I see a lot of postings about wayward wives not much on husbands . Any links would be helpful . Havenít quite mastered detachment . Work in progress there . Do I think heís actively having an affair -no . Potential with his current behavior absolutely. Iíve been really trying to do more of what works . Iím pleasant and friendly but a bit distant when heís around . He becomes clingy . The pursuer. Keeping it more airy and fun .The other day I threw out a feeler and said I really like spending time at night with you . Immediately I got ď you will find someone to do that with again ď I ignored the comment. Then I get the next day random hints at a date . I donít really bite at it all then itís so you wanna go to this music festival . I go . We have a great time as usual , dates are our strong point. He doesnít say he loves me but doesnít need to. Says it in other ways. But thereís this huge part of me screaming inside ď Iím seriously dating my husband of 12 years someone come smack me ď . I will grab DR and read it . I read DB. It is confusing when it comes to sex some say do it some say donít . I do not like the back n forth and emotionally it does take a toll .

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Also should I really dig deep to see if thereís an active affair ? If I find nothing does it change the approach as far a intimacy? If I do find an affair obviously that changes it .

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He act really strange in this cituation. From the way that he behave, it seems like he's having an afair from side. Have you proposed him using a family therapist? If he'll continue saying that everything is okay, then it's hard to see how it can work. Maybe, it's better to end this this marriage and GAL as he said. If divorce will be mutual, then it will cost much cheaper, just print divorce forms from online and throw them in his face! it's important to make changes in your life if you're not being happy in marriage. You can't just leave everything as it is, he makes you cry only because he can't be a good husband, there is no your fault in spending all time with kids! Does he even know how much time and effort it takes for raising a child?

Last edited by Cadet; 09/24/19 01:14 PM. Reason: remove outside link
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