Fear, obligation and guilt. These are my go to forms of communication when life doesn't go my way. Lots of people here do this so it's not just me. WAH ran, wants to have nothing to do with me so as long as I'm attached he will stay as far away from me as possible. Using obligation or guilt to get him back only repels him more. This is why NC is the best thing for me. The fasted way to detach is to keep him out of my life. He may never come back but if he does it won't be until I no longer care. If I don't care I won't need to manipulate him. I will have moved on.
I've sent 2 one line messages in 2 months and haven't seen him since July 20th. He responded to both these messages but I didn't answer back. I got lucky in that I blocked him on his work phone and forgot (oops) so I never saw the reply. The other one I knew I couldn't respond so I didn't. S19 has asked me about that email and I've blown him off. Not touching that email with a 10 foot pole. lol
It sounds like you see a strong connection between your desire (or lack thereof) to communicate with your ex-family, and your ex-husband’s desire to communicate with you.
It sounds like you see a strong connection between your desire (or lack thereof) to communicate with your ex-family, and your ex-husband’s desire to communicate with you.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I think it's a good thing because it gives me perspective. I checked the temp with my parents and immediately they responded as if I didn't exist as a separate person. I feel this way about WAH now. As long as I feel like I can't survive without him I will not see him (or me) as a separate person.
I checked the temp with my parents and immediately they responded as if I didn't exist as a separate person.
You say 'parents', so I assume that was your previous attempt. As you attempt to reach out to your mom now, what are you looking for her to say or do, to indicate this time would be different?
Originally Posted by "kas99"
Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
I see similarities--you give them chances on and off over the years. I see differences--anytime you or your ex are in healthy relationships, those temp checks won't happen or go anywhere.
You say 'parents', so I assume that was your previous attempt. As you attempt to reach out to your mom now, what are you looking for her to say or do, to indicate this time would be different?
My father was the abuser and what's different now is that he died 7 years ago. I'll see what she's like now that he's been out of her life for a while. I have no expectations as I've been fully detached for over a decade.
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I see similarities--you give them chances on and off over the years. I see differences--anytime you or your ex are in healthy relationships, those temp checks won't happen or go anywhere.
I gave them two chances both within the first 2 years (ironic right?). I tried to find so called surrogate parents but it never happened. Had I been successful no I wouldn't have given them anymore chances. So yes if me or WAH find new partners temp checks will go nowhere.
After some thought I regretted the 2nd try. I had two babies by then so I sent them pictures as a way to guilt them into doing what I wanted (like that ever works). It was the expectations that crushed me.
To those of you responding to my boring story I thank you. I keep falling into the pit but I can't give up. I am working hard to get better.
I mailed that note to my mom today and I have no anxiety whatsoever. I did have this fleeting thought that WAH would care but then I reminded myself that he doesn't. I drove by the house and yep I can see mom's house from mine. It's insane. I live in this large sprawling city with these huge neighborhoods and I end up living 4 doors down from her? I feel nothing but indifference towards her but still you have to admit this is so crazy.
When WAH first left I sought other men to talk to. I needed to fill the void (that's passed now). So I checked my motives for reaching out to my mom and nope I'm past the part of trying to fill the void with unhealthy things. It's that darn house that put her into my brain.
As much as this hurts and as much as I hate change I'd rather do this right than have to do this again. I'm doomed to repeat the same mistakes if I don't fix this. I told my IC that I thought this was karma for all my bad behavior and she said if that were true then everything I'm doing now will my life thats positive will be transformed into peace.
I still want WAH to save me from this pain knowing full well that even if he came back today I'd still be in pain. I was in pain before he left and I'm in pain now. The difference is now I have a choice to either fix it or run from it because he's not here to heal me. I have to do it.
Part of WAH's income may not be marital money. I contacted my attorney and she said it depends on the court. To live somewhere cheaper means living in an unsafe neighborhood. Think I'm going to stay in the safer place until I see how this plays out. I can always move in a year.
What he's offering is 37% of his base income so to make this work I had to cut the entire clothes budget, IC, every possible extra you can think of and all gifts. S19 and D17 will have to pay for their own clothes, gas, and entertainment.
It's rough but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger right?
Do you live in an outlandishly expensive area? It seems like 37% of his income coupled with your own income from your job that you'd be in a pretty nice spot financially. Maybe you're in Cali? Seems like housing there is outrageous. In any event it seems unlikely you'd be able to get much more than that out of him so if that's his offer then you might consider going with it.
Do you live in an outlandishly expensive area? It seems like 37% of his income coupled with your own income from your job that you'd be in a pretty nice spot financially. Maybe you're in Cali? Seems like housing there is outrageous. In any event it seems unlikely you'd be able to get much more than that out of him so if that's his offer then you might consider going with it.
His base pay isn't much once you take out his other income. Rent and food alone take up 50% of my income including his offer.
For now I'll see what my attorney says but you know what it doesn't matter. This what he wants and I will make it work. What choice do I have?
