She moved out to rental down the street. Signed a lease for a year. It’s much less of a house than ours. I’ve been on the road for a full year, almost to the day of BD. So we’re starting our new normal.
I was a little taken aback that she moved so close. I feel boundaries are going to be an issue.
She now follows a bunch of narcissist hashtags on IG. So this went from:
-ILWYBINILWU on BD to... -I don’t hate you I’m just done - for a couple months to... -Spewing anger - for a few months to... -We’re still a family just a different looking family - for a few months to... -A narcissist manipulator she just just discovered she had been living with for 20 years.
She wanted space, then she wanted me to chase; I loved you for so long, then we were never a good match.
It’s as if she’s cycling between wanting to “be cool” with the breakup and just move on, and needing to hold onto the anger to justify the actions.
This is where listening and validating and detaching help you
I learned to keep my mouth shut and listen
She wants to be heard
Do not argue
Stay strong and steady
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I got BD almost nine years ago after a 25 year marriage.
I was reading your sitch and just wanted to chime in.
Believe it or not, my XW also started to run after "always being a runner."
As for all the terrible things that you supposedly did, don't feel bad. My XW accused me of:
1. Never taking her to the right grocery store. - Seriously. This was her NUMBER ONE reason. 2. I never got a vasectomy. 3. I wouldn't let her adopt a daughter from China. (We had four boys.) 4. Everything had to be done on my schedule. (I was the only one working.....duh? I worked. She was a stay at home mom by choice.) 5. I never let her dress the way that she wanted.
Also, getting married was the worst day of her life and we should have NEVER married blah blah blah.
My point is, they are all CRAZY in their own special way, but also identical too. So identical that it is almost word for word.
Almost every vet here (if not all) has heard everything you have and has been accused of everything you have. This is serious stuff.
Stay strong and hold on tight. It is a long ride.
Tad
Last edited by tadpole1025; 05/24/1912:51 AM.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
- she's done a few pop-ins and walks in the house (and upstairs), I let it go. - still says "we" all the time. - lost her mind a couple times that "I won't talk to her!" I told her I'm open to talking any time (I'm just not going to start the conversation unless I need something). - still wants to go to Disney World "as a family." I'm conflicted about that one. - she's still seeing a therapist a couple times a month, and an intuitive. - recently we talked about a few things and I asked if she was happy, she said "I am." She asked if I was and I said "I am - some things are better, some things aren't"...she welled up and left.
We're still married, been to four mediators in eight months and she just can't find one she likes. I'm like - our finances, property, assets, and custody are split. All we have to do is re-balance retirement accounts and file. We're basically done, I don't get it.
As for me I still have a down day here and there, but overall feel like I'm doing really well. I've detached. Work is great, having fun with friends (and by myself), kids are great, and I got a girlfriend.
Sixteen months in we still haven't talked about why we are here, but I've accepted that is probably not happening.
Let's face it, she's a confused bunny and can't figure out what she truly wants. She wants her fun and yet, she wants you right where she left you in case things don't work out. Evidently, she's not ready to pull the plug on the marriage and maybe she's not hearing what she wants to hear from the mediators either.
I hope she gets herself together, but this might be a long haul for you since she's not ready to file. You sound great. You will need to know when you are ready to end it officially...until then, continue as you have been.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"It's time to move on, time to get going What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing But under my feet, baby, grass is growing It's time to move on, it's time to get going"
