A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865469
09/16/19 01:15 PM
09/16/19 01:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,138
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,138
Originally Posted by Dan35

Perhaps I shouldn't reel off my list of GAL activities, even if she asks? Just give bare minimum answers if she asks 'how have things been going,' to maintin the 'mysterious' idea?


I know the meet already took place but just wanted to say that you are correct here, you don't want to share your GAL activities with her. If she asks then give the bare minimum. When my XW would ask after BD I would respond with a generic "things are going great, how are things with you?" If she pressed for more info I would just say things like "Oh yes, I'm definitely staying busy!"

Quote
OK it went well. I was pleasant, confident, wore nice new clothes, expensive cologne, haircut, clean car, the works.


Awesome! Did she ask why? If she did a great response would be "I have something I'm going to when we're done here." You don't want to make her think you're trying to impress her.

Quote
I said things like "I can see why you'd feel that way" or "yes it must get lonely here a lot being on your own."


Great!

Quote
She is worried about moving to live with her brother. He has a very small house. She was saying, "I just don't know how I'll fit all my stuff in his house, or how I'm going to run my businesses anymore."

I responded "Well, this is the reality of this decision." She didn't answer me back.


So why did you suddenly stop the validation? "I'm sure that's frustrating but I'm confident you'll get it worked out." Remember, it's not your job to "teach her a lesson". Let life do that.

Quote
I didn't give W a hug when I left, nor did I say "nice to see you" or anything. Effectively, I left by saying, "OK, well I'll be off then. Keep me in the loop about the house. See yah."


Good.

Quote
If she expects me to do more then I'll say, "With respect, the decision to sell the house is yours. You should therefore lead the sale. I will cooperate, but I will let you drive."


The idea here is not that you want her to think you're being punitive, but rather you are just too busy to be her errand boy. I assume you have a financial interest in the house so if this is going to happen then you want to make sure your interest is protected. You don't want to give her complete control because if she sells it at a huge loss then you pay for her mistake as well. So stay involved, but let her drive things. If she asks you to do something reasonable (provide info or such) then do it. If she makes silly demands (such as "this is your house too, you need to mow the yard and pick up all the dog poo") then politely decline and remind her that you have your own place you have to maintain.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865478
09/16/19 02:36 PM
09/16/19 02:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Thanks AS.

I didn't list everything no, although I really wanted to. She asked about certain things and I gave information - not in great detail you'll be pleased to hear (!):

I only answered questions where she'd ask about something:

"How have your exams gone then?" -I said I passed my exams and would be getting a pay rise soon.

"What else have you got going on?"
-I said I have lots of gigs lined up in the next few months.
-Gym induction this week

(OK, probably should have just said "Yeah loads of stuff going on. Keeping busy." and left it at that).

"What are your living plans?"
-I just said I'd stay at home with parents and save for the moment. Didn't go into more detail.

My costs are going to plummet significantly, so I'll be able to save quite a bit over the next 6 months or so and build up a nice deposit.

Things I didn't tell her about are that I've applied for a 2nd evening job, IC going extremely well, publisher interest for a piece I've worked on, other financial stuff, trips out to London planned.

Neither of us can afford to immediately move in to a new place alone, even though her sister keeps saying to her "Just buy a new place! You'll have some money!" (in her usual 'just do something coz you can' attitude). We both have very specific needs about what a house must have and how it's laid out - mainly space! - so both of us need to buy the RIGHT house in the RIGHT place. That's worth me holding off on buying immediately in the interim certainly.

I am doing the whole "look good" thing for me. I want her to see that I am doing fine and happy. I am working on portraying a positive look not just with her but with everyone I interact with. I think it worked with her anyway. She didn't comment on how I looked or anything but I felt good about myself and that's all that matters. My sister and her husband and even my mum have said "You're like a different person now. You're much more confident and look better."


My fault for not making that clear. I did validate about her living concerns. I said something like "yes I can understand how you've be worried about that." Then she said something else and I said "that's the reality of this decision."


Yes I'm of course happy to do things like email out info or attend to small matters regarding the house sale. I just don't want her to expect me to do ALL the communicating with the estate agent. We definitely won't sell at a loss - it's been valued higher than what we bought it for. We'll both walk away with a modest five-figure sum each. At least I get the value of my deposit back in full, and pretty much get back the amount I've invested in the house (furniture, bills, garden stuff etc.) over 3 years. I can clear all my debts (not that I have anything significant though, which is good).


I was a bit sad when I got home thinking about how nice the house is. Lovely location and we worked hard at it. But then I thought, I can move closer to my family, and get a GREAT house to myself and make it my own. I reminded myself that I haven't lost everything - I have somewhere to go, have my family, and mates, and my job. I'm doing better than ok.

Last edited by Dan35; 09/16/19 02:36 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865501
09/16/19 07:01 PM
09/16/19 07:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,138
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,138
Good good good that's all very well done! That's some good DB'ing there smile


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865504
09/16/19 07:33 PM
09/16/19 07:33 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Thank you - it felt good not really being in a state of worry for once. Yes I was nervous, but happy with how I handled things. I'm glad I was not too stand-offish, but not overtly emotional.

Not hugging her when I left was hard though. She is the perfect height for me to hug! Plus her hair always smells nice.

Anyway, GAL is working well for me, and I'm looking forward.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865555
09/17/19 08:36 AM
09/17/19 08:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Neither of us have heard back from the estate agents yet. Strange as they were very keen to take on the house a week or two ago.

What has been very liberating is not worrying about what she, her family, friends, or work colleagues are saying about me. Since my W has told loads of people about what I did, in various states of detail, I no longer feel any shame.
My IC said, "The shame was driving the secrecy." (similar to what I've read in NMMNG). I have now got to a stage where I am owning my mistakes, and have made massive progress in sorting them out.

I am NOT an awful man. I was great for my W - it is her loss. Despite my mistakes and transgressions, lots of people have come down on my side weirdly, even those who I've told everything to.

Onward to more GAL activities!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865587
09/17/19 03:14 PM
09/17/19 03:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Saw a few friends today that I haven't seen in a while - I broke the news to them.
Whilst they were sad, they all said I looked really well considering everything. One said he didn't recognise me, as I was looking and walking in a much more confident manner. Gave me a massive boost today, was a very nice feeling.

That is the power of GAL and PMA everyone!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865588
09/17/19 03:31 PM
09/17/19 03:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,020
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,020
Originally Posted by "Dan35"
That is the power of GAL and PMA everyone!

Hey Dan, glad your GAL and self-improvement are reaping real dividends!


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865602
09/17/19 05:23 PM
09/17/19 05:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Thanks CW - and I'd know all about dividends being an accountant! <apologies for 'Dad joke' there>

W texted me this morning to say that estate agents are coming round to the house tomorrow to take photos. I have not replied ,and don't intend to.

Things have been going well lately I feel.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865655
09/18/19 07:56 AM
09/18/19 07:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
DaB35  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Journal

Had a really good induction at the gym last night. The member of staff I was introduced to took me into an office first and measured me height and weight, then discussed what I wanted to achieve. I stepped on a special set of scales that analyses your body composition; this gives the gym staff a better idea of what to suggest I work on. Apparently I have very little fat on me anyway and a high water content which is all good - plus I have the metabolic rate of a 21 year old (I'm 36).

She worked out an exercise regime and then took me through all the machines she thought would be good for me - it was an hour's workout using 3 sets on each machine, and I worked through it with her support. I was using 40kg on a leg press machine first time off - might not sound much to some, but that's a huge deal for me, as I never thought I'd ever do that, so was really surprised and pleased.

I enjoyed it very much and liked all the machines I was assigned to use.

I get 2 further 'catch-up' sessions with her at two/three weekly intervals to check how things are going. Plus I have a special 'key' that goes in each machine which reminds me how high or low to set the seat so I don't have to remember. I get a parking permit for 3 car parks in the town, and my membership card gets me 10-20% discounts off certain restaurants for meals out!

The atmosphere was good - I said in an earlier post that I was always worried about going to a gym. But you know what - it wasn't very busy (it was 7pm) and everyone was just focussed on their own thing. I just got on with mine. I'm going to do this regime twice a week, then have signed up to 3 classes (cycling, yoga, weights) and will go for a swim on Sunday mornings. So that's six times a week to the gym. Plus I'll keep doing my kettle bells & planks/crunches etc. at home most days, usually when I get up before work.

My mum said this morning before I left for work that she's pleased I'm looking after myself and that I'm talking more and seem happier. Plus my friends are noticing and pointing out very positive differences.

I'm doing all this for me. It's my W's loss - she's given up a great catch!

NMMNG!







Last edited by Dan35; 09/18/19 07:59 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865660
09/18/19 10:12 AM
09/18/19 10:12 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
Member
DS9  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Good stuff Dan. Its a good idea to get a home gym too and develop your own routine

With your house are you both registered owners? Get a title search done to check. Have you both agreed on split of sale proceeds? If not and it sells quickly then safest option is leave proceeds in conveyancing lawyers trust account pending a court order.

See your lawyer about all this.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004