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Re: A parallel universe [Re: AnotherStander] #2864814
09/10/19 12:48 AM
09/10/19 12:48 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline OP
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DS9  Offline OP
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Need GAL help folks! Any tennis players out there? Loved tennis when I was a teen and joined a club to get back into it. Need help with recommendations for a good 'intermediate level' tennis racquet, as there's so many racquets and I wouldn't have a clue as its been 25 years since I picked one up. I'm tall and rangy, hopeless server, but very good with power shots, chip n chase etc. Many thanks.

GAL has been hard for me guys (I'm an introvert), but I'm trying! Planning gel gun trip with my son and his friends soon, and a visit to an amusement park this weekend. Baby steps (keep saying that because I love the movie What about Bob!)

Originally Posted by Dan35


I think one of the sticky threads says "have no expectations."


Yeah, outwardly, I haven't read too much into it at all. Just found it strange that after 7 months of ice cold detachment (and I mean sub zero cold) from her she'd decide to do that, and so early in the morning.

I'd sent her a birthday sms a few days before but it was quite distant and formal, and I waited til midday before sending, tying it in with a message about our S.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander


So wait, her bday, your S's bday and yours are all within a few days of each other?


Hi AS - yes, we 3 are within a week of each other!

AS, I have a question for you too about DB'ing, if you wouldn't mind.

During the M, my XW had several very close girlfriends who went through their own D, and they always seemed to talk about their D's and XH's, inlcuding my XW, whose XH before me put her through hell. Universally, each of her friends had bad divorces, and my XW would tell me all about the gory details of how bad the XH's were (cheating, vindictive, abandon the kids, aggressive behaviours, couldn't do anything around the home, name calling, muckraking, inflexible, dragging through the court, you name it). Essentially, these XH's were hated for how much they fought my wife's friends. My XW's friends all knew me, liked me very much, and I liked them.

I have been pretty much the total opposite of these XH's. I see my taking the high road as a 180 on what my XW expected after she BD'd. Do you think that counts, and do you think it matters?


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865359
09/15/19 10:30 AM
09/15/19 10:30 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline OP
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DS9  Offline OP
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Posts: 189
Hi all,

Ive been in a bit of a funk the last few days.

Ive been ignoring xws calls last couple of weeks. Shell call at work several times then sms. If its not to do with S or urgent Ill reply to sms in the evening. I suspect this annoys her. Im a lot more distant in face to face contact. I think its been noticed. Im doing this to detach.

Went for dinner for Ss birthday. A few days before she asked me what we would do for bday, I came up with idea, she then said shes working, then said shed come. She asked me if Id received an sms which Id already replied to. I was cordial but essentially ignored her. After dinner she made a big deal about splitting the bill with the server, then left. Im not doing any more family dinners with that attitude. Why want a family dinner for our Ss bday and act like that. S tells me XW hasnt bought him a present. Told him not to worry as mummy was probably too busy.

Visited MIL w S to maintain connection for S and to check on her due to health. Mil said some choice words about XW and said I was too nice, giving and generous to her daughter. I agreed.

Guys this s$&t is draining me. Nothing bad has happened and theres no crisis but I think my willpower tank has emptied. I just need to accept theres no point. XW said at bd shes changed and were never getting back. Shes done that to other people and previous relationships. I know that for a fact. I dunno guys.

Took my son to an amusement park and we had a great time. Spent lots of money because now I dont need to worry about the minister for finance checking up on the account. Bought a home gym too.

Cheers D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865367
09/15/19 01:56 PM
09/15/19 01:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,914
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neffer Offline
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Keep on detaching. Changes are for your new life. Get into amoafwl. Expect nothing, fear nothing, get it?

Keep the GAL going. Be there for your S

It takes time, use that time wisely.

Remember to believe nothing that they say.

Stick to DB. Dont do things waiting for an immediate reward: no expectations whatsoever.

Stay strong DS. Time and patience. And DB, of course. ;-)


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865416
09/16/19 01:04 AM
09/16/19 01:04 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline OP
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DS9  Offline OP
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Thanks Neffer,

Really appreciate your encouragement. It's a bloody lonely path I tread, but tread it I am, and I'm so grateful for the forum's support. What very little family I have is far away from me, as are my friend network.

In my mind, I'm becoming AMOAFWL. I'm physically the best I've been in years and years, and my IC continues, focussing on addressing the childhood subconscious root causes of many of some of my flawed subconscious behaviours/reactions (negativity, procrastination, go along to get along and similar).

I took some photos of my S on the weekend when we went out. Normally I'd send these to XW (just photos by sms, no words), and she has sent to me. I'm thinking of stopping this practice. Any thoughts?

Thanks guys


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865426
09/16/19 02:59 AM
09/16/19 02:59 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,216
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DejaVu6 Offline
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It depends on why you are sending the photos. Are you sending them to stay connected to her or for her to stay connected to your S? And do you want her to continue sending you photos? If the answer is the last two, then why stop. If it the first one, however, you may want to consider stopping if it is getting in the way of you moving forward.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865437
09/16/19 04:58 AM
09/16/19 04:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline OP
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Thanks Dejavu,

The last 2 reasons. She's a great mum, but after BD she made some pretty poor and very out of character choices in my view, but I think she regrets these. I think sending photos gives some normalcy to the parenting dynamic, but I just don't want to bend over backwards anymore - NMMNG.

I'll send the last lot of photos, then no more, as I really couldn't be bothered. She can create her own memories.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865460
09/16/19 12:25 PM
09/16/19 12:25 PM
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Posts: 7,313
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 7,313
Originally Posted by DS9
I suspect this annoys her. Im a lot more distant in face to face contact.


Of course it annoys her, she wants you at her beck and call when it suits her. Keep on detaching!

Quote
After dinner she made a big deal about splitting the bill with the server, then left. Im not doing any more family dinners with that attitude.


Did she make a big deal because you wanted to split it and she wanted you to pick it up or because you wanted to pay for it and she wanted to split it? Before BD I always picked up the tab on family meals unless it was my bday (and usually even then) but after BD my XW always wanted to split things. I didn't argue, I just let her start picking up half.

Quote
S tells me XW hasnt bought him a present. Told him not to worry as mummy was probably too busy.


It's not your job to bail her out, but don't throw her under the bus either. When this happens, then listen to your son and validate. "I am sure this upsets you, is that how you feel?" "Yes, why is she acting like this!" "I am sorry your feelings were hurt, is there anything I can do?" Maybe offer to take him to the park, go out to eat or grab some ice cream.

Quote
I just need to accept theres no point. XW said at bd shes changed and were never getting back. Shes done that to other people and previous relationships. I know that for a fact. I dunno guys.


Well like DV said you can't believe anything she says. It's a reflection of how she feels right now. But even so, this person she is now, do you even WANT to be married to someone like that? I mean my XW changed into someone that I NEVER would have married to begin with. Had she been like that from day one I never would have gone out with her! She has slowly been changing back into her old self, but now I'm dating someone who treats me with a ton of love and respect and that is the least that anyone deserves in a relationship!

Quote
In my mind, I'm becoming AMOAFWL. I'm physically the best I've been in years and years, and my IC continues, focussing on addressing the childhood subconscious root causes of many of some of my flawed subconscious behaviours/reactions (negativity, procrastination, go along to get along and similar).


Great!

Quote
I took some photos of my S on the weekend when we went out. Normally I'd send these to XW (just photos by sms, no words), and she has sent to me. I'm thinking of stopping this practice. Any thoughts?


That's up to you. If you do it then like DV said just make sure it's for the right reasons- sharing S with her. I did it for a while but I think I was fooling myself about why I was doing it, so I stopped for quite a while. I do it now every once in a while but now it truly is just to share the kids with XW with no ulterior motives.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865464
09/16/19 12:39 PM
09/16/19 12:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 258
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DaB35 Offline
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Sounds like you are in a much better place than her. Your GAL activities are helping and certainly the IC is really useful too.

It's funny how you see your S in a different light after BD. It can be frustrating how we do all the GALing, detaching, and positive steps and they just don't choose to see it. They will - in time. But by then you've moved on and it's too late fro them. Don't worry about that. Focus on the present and the present only. I realised I wasted so much time worrying about what would happen in 3 or 5 years' time. Now, I don't care. I just think about the week or fortnight ahead. That's sufficient.

You have a good relationship with your S so that' s another massive positive.

If you believe you're becoming AMOAFWL, then you already are to a degree, or definitely will be at least.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DaB35] #2865533
09/16/19 11:52 PM
09/16/19 11:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline OP
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Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your input and support!

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=DS9]

Did she make a big deal because you wanted to split it



Hey AS. It was nothing like that. She just called the server over for the bill as we were getting up from our seats. Before we even had a chance to do anything she just loudly and awkwardly proclaimed she wanted a split bill. I've been very generous with my money since we split finances, so she knew I wasn't going to let her foot the bill. It's just her being her - get in first, make it loud and awkward, she needs to control the situation, and nobody tells her what to do.

My SD then decided she'd like to pay for me. XW decided to loudly tell me how nice it was that my SD was paying for me, even though I just said that to my SD, and we were all standing within 2 feet of each other. I ignored her.

Pre BD, we had a single joint account where we pooled all our income, so there was no issue with who paid the bill as it was mutual money.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=DS9] It's a reflection of how she feels right now. But even so, this person she is now, do you even WANT to be married to someone like that?


I know man, it's how she has felt for months. She got a detailed personalised day by day astrology report late last year. It basically told her to make these changes immediately in 2019, focus on her own sole happiness without exception, and focus on friends and kids. The small bits I read before I put it down made me feel sick. It was like a movie script of what she'd done.

No, I wouldn't want to be married to her how she is now - I just don't know if she'll ever come back as I don't know if she has MLC. I've realised that for all her love and affection during our M, there was an undercurrent to her that if she grew tired or something, she'd walk without looking back. It's interesting you mentioned your new lady gives you a lot of love AND respect. My XW gave me a lot of love, but pretty much nil respect. I was very naive.

This forum and all the lovely people that inhabit it have made me realise how distorted my perception of how I should be in a relationship really was, and how to stick up for yourself with women in your life. It has also made me realise what I need to do to take responsibility and fix my part in the reasons why my M disintegrated.

Originally Posted by Dan35
Focus on the present and the present only. I realised I wasted so much time worrying about what would happen in 3 or 5 years' time. Now, I don't care. I just think about the week or fortnight ahead. That's sufficient.


Nail on head Dan. I've always had an undercurrent of uneasiness, which I've recently realised is my inbuilt mechanism whereby I worry about things way off in the future that may or may not happen, and always distilling worst case scenarios. I'm taking baby steps to becoming more Zen like with focussing on the now, and not becoming bogged in analysis paralysis.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865561
09/17/19 10:25 AM
09/17/19 10:25 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 719
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IHCLACS Offline
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[

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by DS9
It's a reflection of how she feels right now. But even so, this person she is now, do you even WANT to be married to someone like that?


I know man, it's how she has felt for months. She got a detailed personalised day by day astrology report late last year. It basically told her to make these changes immediately in 2019, focus on her own sole happiness without exception, and focus on friends and kids. The small bits I read before I put it down made me feel sick. It was like a movie script of what she'd done.

No, I wouldn't want to be married to her how she is now - I just don't know if she'll ever come back as I don't know if she has MLC. I've realised that for all her love and affection during our M, there was an undercurrent to her that if she grew tired or something, she'd walk without looking back.

This forum and all the lovely people that inhabit it have made me realise how distorted my perception of how I should be in a relationship really was, and how to stick up for yourself with women in your life. It has also made me realise what I need to do to take responsibility and fix my part in the reasons why my M disintegrated.


Seen that, felt that, and experienced that too. All too familiar. W was chasing all kinds of astrology reports for months and months and months on love, relationships, life, and finances. you hit the nail on the head when you said it feels like they were living their life according to some movie script. I had this conversation months ago with my STBXW. she even confided to me that she was considering seeing a psychic. I said to her. Youu know that you are fooling around with dark spirits right? And going against God? She agreed, but she still does it anyway, until I stopped just paying attention to everything she does, and focused on myself for the most part.

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