My response to my H has been "The decision to separate is yours alone, but the business of separating should be done together. Carry on with your plans and I'll handle my own expectations. I will help with whatever information or cooperation you need from me." I'm accepting of his decision, but have made it clear that it's not a mutual one. I also feel strongly about protecting myself and my son, so I am happy to work with him on the legalities of the separation. Would something like that work for you?
That’s what I’m wondering, if I should still be saying those kinds of things at this point, considering D has been filed and I have made it all too clear that it’s not a mutual decision, haha. So perhaps at this stage it might be better for my response to be more pulled back and have more of the “I’m fine with this at this point” vibe....?
Yeah, I think so! Make him wonder why you're acting so fine with it. He might be surprised how it makes him feel and he may wonder why you're okay with moving on all of a sudden. Let him have those thoughts
I did well last night, I think my mantras/meditation helped get me into an authentic place of feeling strong, rather than trying to fake through my anxiety as I usually do. It felt good! H was friendly and extra kind. It was a pleasant surprise, as I was bracing for distant and cold after our long R talk the other night. He thanked me for letting him come see D4, I said you’re welcome. He brought up wanting to pick her up at school on his days this week, I just said ok. He left saying “goodnight, sleep well”. I just said thanks! It felt good to come from a genuinely stronger place.
Journal— I may finally be getting the hang of cordially distant. It does go hand in hand with the fact that I am in a slightly more detached, slightly more accepting place than I was not too long ago. I do feel some progress in that way. I’ve been focusing on my “letting go” meditation and “I have no control over the outcome” mantras, and general anxiety management. It feels good to try to take control of my emotions this way. And I’m finally getting back in to see my IC tomorrow, which I’m excited and nervous about. H is acting a weird combination of warmer/friendlier (ie saying “good morning” and “have a good day” in his texts about D4, saying “goodnight sleep well” when he leaves) and also being oddly formal (ie asking if it was ok for him to get a glass of water when he dropped her off). I’m not attempting to mind read, but I am noting the ebbs and flows and waves of his behavior toward me. It’s mysterious.
Today I’m finding myself thinking obsessively about H commenting that he doesn’t miss me during the talk that devolved to R talk the other night. It was very hard to hear, and obviously super discouraging. I find myself trying to think of ways to help him miss me, and then all the DB quotes go through my mind. Then I think “believe nothing they say...”. But at what point does that no longer apply? I would love to not believe that statement. Part of me doesn’t believe it. But if that is really true, well, it’s incredibly discouraging. Thoughts?
It’s interesting to notice the degree to which H follows my lead in our interactions. When I’m cordial and upbeat, as I have been consistently of late, he is chatty, makes small talk, jokes around, and often starts looking around my home commenting on what he thinks needs fixing or attention (he is a very handy fix it guy). This is at the heart of my confusion, I’ve noticed. I know I shouldn’t try to mind read (as noted in the post above) and I do try not to. But I can’t help but wonder about this piece of the dynamic. In R talks he always talks about not wanting to give me the wrong idea/give me false hope, but he sure doesn’t try very hard to keep things formal. Is it just NGS? Is he just so eager to be perceived as nice that everything else goes out the window? In every R talk we’ve had, as regrettable as this is, he can always pinpoint his exact actions that he believes are giving me false hope. But he always goes right back to those same actions soon afterward. I know that if I was as concerned about giving someone false hope, I’d be much more guarded and careful than that. I realize that he and I are different people, and I also realize that this is mind reading that I shouldn’t be engaging in. But I need to wonder about this “out loud”.
The thing is....and this is my opinion...I’m not sure he is super concerned about giving you false hope. He is more concerned about doing what he wants and what he feels like doing in the moment. Once in a while, he becomes aware of the fact that what he is doing might be giving you false hope so he confesses and absolves himself of the “sin”...so to speak. In other words, “I told you I was giving you false hope so if you have any hope at all, it’s on you, not me.” I think it is just as simple as that. My XH is the poster child for NGS... HATES to cause people upset....HATES it when people are mad at him...would do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation. In his case, he lied about everything and anything to the extent that it looked pathological. It wasn’t...he’s just an insecure boy who wanted to do the crime and get away with it.
I would stop having R talks if I were you Hope. Your H is telling you he hasn’t changed his mind. He still wants what he wants. He just wants you to be okay with it.
Thanks DV. I know for sure you’re right about one thing—the R talks. I have been pretty weak when it comes to that, but I swore to myself after the last one that I will not do it again. He knows where I stand. I need to stop telling him.
