Deciding When To Move On

[HrtHsbnd]

R2C,

Thanks for your advice!

She says respect is earned, not given and she doesn’t feel like I am doing anything to earn that respect back. So I am trying to point out what I am doing so that she sees it.

Would you not do that? Do you think she knows but just doesn’t want to say?

I also said that while I appreciate her concern, I have no reason to be hostile towards her and have been honoring her wishes now for several months.

Less words is almost always better.

[Ready2Change]

but I don’t understand why she still feels this way all these months later.

Your job is not to understand why, but rather HOW she feels. Your job is to own your emotions and not let hers effect yours. You are the man and you control your emotions. She is the woman, she expresses hers. You accept and acknowledge her emotions.


"You look angry"
"You sound happy"
"I bet you were excited"
"

[Traveler]

I have done everything I know to work on our marriage, except let it go.

Validation/empathy has been an amazing tool for me. Until you've tried it, you haven't tried everything.

I feel like I was really just validating her feelings. How would you handle that?

"I'm sorry you feel xxxx" is on this site's Validation Cheat Sheet. It's sympathetic. That's a step up from being defensive or minimizing her. However, empathy is a step up from that! "Gosh, I didn't realize you felt I was being rude." or "I could tell you were really upset last night."--also on the Validation Cheat Sheet--would take you a little deeper. Empathy is about: 1. Perspective Taking, 2. Withholding Judgement, 3. Recognizing Emotion, 4. Communicating That. "I thought I went out of my way.. honoring your wishes.. have been for several months" is not validating. Quite the opposite. It's defensive.

You are right, it is VERY hard. Any ideas on how to make it easier?

+ Realize her sharing emotions with you is a gift. If it gets to the point she's more disconnected, she'll still feel these things, she just won't tell you. You want her to feel safe confiding how she feels.

+ Our partners have a perspective and truth as valid as our own.

+ Slow down. Try not to rush to judgement--defending or minimizing them before you grasp their viewpoint.

[DaB35]

Validating is something I was late to the party with.

It works though. Recently I did something that was clearly pursuing/chasing. My W was not initially happy. After some advice here, I explained why I did what I did - in 1 sentence - I did not apologise for doing it, and simply validated that she would have felt upset by it. I didn't say "I didn't mean to upset you." I simply said "I can see how you might be upset by it." End of text.
The next day she replied apologising to ME, for "coming across as harsh."

It is a very odd way of thinking. I've never done it before, in any R, let alone my M. At 36, I'm only just learning this stuff!

Stick with it though. Don't ever be afraid of asking for pointers here, however insignificant a matter you think it is.

Slow down is really good advice. Don't expect things to turn around in a matter of days - this isn't a movie.

[IronWill]

HH you are getting some golden advice here.

To piggyback on what others have said, i also recommend you slow down.

This time frame is not in days or even weeks. It may take many months or possibly years to turn around, if it ever does and if she likes the changes you are making to yourself.

In the meantime, take yourself out of the equation as much as possible while you work on yourself. Read self-help books, inspirational books, relationship books etc.

When she does speak to you, listen more - much much more. Speak less. If she asks why you aren't speaking say something like "I am just here to listen". Before you respond, think about what you really want to say. Then look her in the eyes and speak calmly and clearly.

Let her initiate the conversations. If she wants to speak to you, she will.

And most importantly, do not focus on what she is doing. Focus on what you can control - you.

Take care and stay strong

[SoTorn]

She is only thinking about herself man. They don't care about what they have done at home. All they care about is how they look to everyone else and how they feel. My EXWW and I went to one MC session right after I confronted her on her A.

My EXWW broke down crying in the MC session. You know why she broke down? You would think it was because she got caught cheating and that her family was in danger because of her actions. Nope, she was crying because she was upset that everyone would think she was a wh0re.

[Traveler]

Hi HrtHsbnd,

Any successes or failures trying to validate your ex and her parents?

You are right, it is VERY hard. Any ideas on how to make it easier?

I'm reading a new book on listening. One tip it gives--before validation come naturally--is to memorize a stock phrase or three. In a heated moment it's easier to recall a specific reply like "Wow, you really feel XXX." than to recall "Don't be defensive" and come up with a good response on the spot.