Just when you think you have a handle on things they have to go and mess with you.
So I took a job 2 years ago after H left with the intention of finding something better once the D was sorted. Well almost 2 years on and it’s not. The thing is I hate this job and despite trying for over a year to find something else that will work around D and my childcare arrangements nothing has come up. So I have decided to retrain so I can start my own business in something more family friendly. It’s going well but will be a while yet until I’m done. However things at work really aren’t great and as H has done nothing much with the D since September I have decided to hand in my notice at work next week and build up the business base of a little sideline I have. Now after spending some time in IC I have come to realise that H had a habit of derailing my career plans when they didn’t fully work for him. So needless to say I was a little concerned about sharing my new plans with him but as we still share a joint account and have to disclose our income due the D I reluctantly told him I was handing in my notice. He was actually really understanding which I was momentarily pleased about. Then it came. He just happened to ask me if I had heard from my Solicitor. I said no and that I hadn’t heard anything since December. He said he was asking because apparently he’s put forward a counter offer at least 2 weeks ago. I said I would chase this up as it’s very unlike her to be so slow. So I emailed her as I knew if she was away I would get an out of office message but nothing came back. She doesn’t work Fridays so I called the Mediation office to see if H had been in touch after their request 2 weeks ago, no not a word from him. Call me paranoid but this sounds to me like a deliberate attempt by H to stop me from moving forward with my plans.
After lots of discussion with various people I refuse to let H d deter me. My life has been on hold for far to long and I will not stop what I’m doing. I really can’t be sat at the same desk in another 2 years because H still hasn’t moved forward with any kind of solid plan. Really wish this would just come to an end now.
Why on earth would you still have a joint account?
Have your own accounts and tell him nothing about your life! If you pay things out of the joint account til D, then just deposit money into it from your account in order to pay bills. You need a very clear paper trail about what is being paid and by whom. If you have ever read my story, you can be assured I am speaking truth. And you will see all the advice here be -- hide your money, take your half, do whatever you can. The MLCer will take everything, and whatever he can't take, he will use against you in court to try to get more than his share or alimony, etc.
This is coming from a woman of faith who started standing in 2014. Finances and faith are two different things. Protect the former, nurture the latter.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Why on earth would you still have a joint account?
Have your own accounts and tell him nothing about your life! If you pay things out of the joint account til D, then just deposit money into it from your account in order to pay bills. You need a very clear paper trail about what is being paid and by whom. If you have ever read my story, you can be assured I am speaking truth. And you will see all the advice here be -- hide your money, take your half, do whatever you can. The MLCer will take everything, and whatever he can't take, he will use against you in court to try to get more than his share or alimony, etc.
This is coming from a woman of faith who started standing in 2014. Finances and faith are two different things. Protect the former, nurture the latter.
Hi Gerda thank you for your reply. The reason we still have a joint account is because all the bills for my home are paid by him as I earn very little and am I entitled to no benefits even without his money . I do however have several accounts of my own and my wages go into one of them. He has zero access to my personal money or indeed the savings that he put into my name. I am very well covered and protected. Our joint account is purely his wages and both of our bills including spending money. The first thing I did after he left was make sure that I’m financially protected as best as possible. I also only tell him what I know will have to come out during the divorce, I tell him absolutely nothing else unless I absolutely need to. I do appreciate your concern and advice though. Thank you
Oh thank goodness! I made so many mistakes in that regard, I think we need a sticky here just for that, though honestly I am not sure I would have listened. I thought my H would come out of it. I still think he will someday,but I didn't realize that money is a separate issue and I didn't want to look "greedy"!!!!
I wish you hadn't told your H about the job but it sounds like you are making a good decision for you. Can you AirB a room in your house to make extra money for yourself?
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda how do you manage to still find the hope H will return after all this time? Something will happen with H and I find myself starting to doubt that he could ever want to come back.
The sticky idea is good. Finances are such an important part of all this, especially if you’re a stay at home parent.
I told him as I knew D6 would tell him anyway and I figured if I said something I could prepare myself for what he might try and pull. I’m now just a little more than 3 years in and yet I’ve only just realised that he’s been pulling this game for so long. Funny how we don’t realise these things until someone points it out.
I’ve been a way for a while as nothing much has really been happening with lockdown and everything. It’s certainly proving to be an interesting experience and I have been impressed with H willingness to help with childcare and homeschooling. So far it has worked well and he’s been fairly cooperative which has been something of a relief. I had to laugh when he used lockdown as a chance to start spending his day with D at mine again rather than having her go to his. In the Uk parents who are separated are allowed to collect their children from one home and take them straight to theirs but H insisted that he felt it was to risky and he should spend the day at mine. Every time I’ve managed to get him to start spending his day with D at his he seems to soon find a reason to come back. It’s been ok having him around and we have some nice family moments but I’ve noticed something recently and it’s certainly becoming more noticeable. If we are having a fun moment with jokes and laughter either as a family or even in text messages H will happily join in but he will suddenly bolt as fast as possible and shut it down. He’ll either reply with a jokey comment one minute and then reply with something like stop now. Or he’ll try to find an excuse to leave the situation suddenly. I’m wondering if it’s to much for him to deal with or if it’s some kind of reminder that perhaps things were possible not as bad as he remembered. Either that or he’s just his usual crazy self and I’m possibly best just ignoring it.
I will say one thing for lockdown, it’s certainly been a much needed break from the craziness and stress of the D. I really did need a break from it even if it is only for a short time.
Well what can I say, we appear to actually be on the cusp of having a financial agreement signed and a D nearly complete. Just have to wait for a court to approve our agreement and then we can get the financial side signed off. It’s only taken over two years to agree on the finances lol . I’m kind of relieved as I have spent more money on this than I care to think about and I’m also a little sad as the end of my marriage is almost in sight. However I’m more than aware that H has a history of running at the 11th hour, something he would do even before MLC. So I will have to just sit and wait now which apparently could be as long as 12 weeks with the current situation and a lot can happen in MLC world in 12 weeks. I’m more shocked that we reached the final agreement through talking directly to each other and not through solicitors. I couldn’t take their nasty letters and further threats of court so I had it out with H direct and it oddly worked. He did give me the whole “ well if you just told me what you need we could have sorted this” speech. Because apparently the endless solicitor letters and hours of mediation didn’t cover what I needed. I had to really restrain myself from not laughing at this. However I’m still waiting a year on for him to give me this signed papers so that I can actually sell the house, despite sever requests. So I refuse to put the house on the market again just to have to take it off again because he won’t hand me these.
For now all I can do is sit and wait and keep my focus on finding a new job and building me and D a lovely new life. I noticed many of you like baking and gardening to help you relax and feel happy. Mine is a good Jigsaw, I do love a jigsaw.
Ah, jigsaw puzzles. They are a fun time, slowly piecing together an emerging picture. Hmmm. Kind of metaphorical of our lives.
It seems your pieces are falling into place rather nicely. You and H reaching an agreement through directly talking to one another is somewhat rare; having him see it through to actual finalization is even rarer. I hope he doesn’t do an 11th hour runaway.
I like your view of this; H’s actions and choices are out of your control. A lot could happen in 12 weeks, and almost nothing could as well. Shrug, oh well, his journey.
Your journey is proceeding well, keep moving forward. Good decision not to place the house on the market without the paperwork from H. And really well done restraining yourself after H’s speech - “well if you just told me what you need we could have sorted this”. Lol. Blasting him would have done little. May have felt good, but accomplished little. Lots of wisdom demonstrated there Fox.
I suppose you could look at this point in life as almost being completed this puzzle and getting ready to start another. Or perhaps it is just a part of the bigger grand puzzle being revealed slowly, piece by piece.
Personally, I like the single puzzle of life analogy. Ever new piece, and bit more of the whole unknown picture and future, a bit more history, a bit more experience, a bit more knowledge, and a bit more wisdom.
You and daughter are living a lovely new life. You got this!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So 2 and a half weeks in since I gave H the go ahead to apply for the consent order and get things finally tide up and H is now starting to act a little off. I don’t know perhaps I’m just reading into things a bit to much as you know what these Mid lifers are like, being all Nice and then stab and your down. Except I don’t see what he has to achieve from being nice now. If he’s applied for the order (only time will tell) then he’s almost got what he thinks he wants. My reason for suspicion ( and I hate to say hope. Hope that he’s moving through the tunnel again. Yep I know try to not put to much on the positive signs) is this week he’s been more observant of the dog, his dog that he’s hardly paid attention to for the last few years. He’s noticed how he’s become stiff and needs to take his walks slow. He’s taking a small interest in one of my cats and he told D right in front of me as he was leaving to look after me and give me plenty of cuddles because I deserve them. Wow is that a hint of care or is it guilt? Ummm. He then made a passing comment about not being touched but implied it was ok for me to which I didn’t really pick up on at first, not until he had left. I am very suspicious but curious as H has been firmly in his own bubble for so long. But I’m keeping my head down, staying friendly but at a distance and observing whilst keeping my guard up and trying really hard to keep my hopes at zero. This could hurt if I don’t so I’m going to keep doing me.
