I can look at this positively because so much has changed for the good since he left. Change that wouldn't have happened had he stayed.
However to survive the next couple of months I need the delusion of hope. I need to believe that years down the road if I continue to grow there is hope. I need to believe in miracles. I'm stupid I know.
I've read one piecing story here that sounds a lot like my sitch. He came back after 18 months away. I don't think his wife was quite as bad as me but it was pretty close. He saw she had changed but didn't trust it. And yep he hated her just like WAH hates me.
One more thing I don't have that many things to fix. The problems are big but the solution is small. I need to learn how to be alone and well that means being alone. I hate it because it's painful but there is no other way
The mornings are the hardest. It hits me that my husband left me. I replay all these angry texts I sent him. The argument we had the day he BD. The awful things I've done. I couldn't have stopped it though. Not without medication but now it's too late. I lost my family to mental illness. I think even if became a better person, the person he married, he has too much resentment, too much anxiety, too much anger to take me back. Besides he won't even know that I've changed since we have no reason to see each other. The only thing I have as witnesses are my kids and the part where I'm not dating. I've never been without a man for very long and he knows it.
He will date. His friends will make sure he does. He will find someone better than me or he'd rather die alone that try again with me.
I need hope desperately to get through this right now so bear with me.
WAH is an avoidant which means he doesn't bond well with people. Without me he's struggling to connect with our kids. Right now he's free. He can pour himself into work, spend time on hobbies, do all the things he couldn't do with me because I was controlling. Avoidant's have trouble being alone too because they have no outlet for emotions. I'm anxious I bond too quickly. Give me a few weeks and I can have a guy telling me he loves me. Avoidant's and anxious people are drawn to each other.
I pray that one day he will realize that I have changed (after I have of course). I pray that after some time his anger and resentment will have faded. I pray that the ongoing cost of divorce is not as appealing as it is currently.
According to the stages a WAS goes through it takes a year or so before the pain sets in which is about the same time the LBS moves on. A WAS can keep walking (obviously) or they can try again because it's easier.
I hope people answer me today. If not I'll just go chat with other people here who are in the same boat
I went back and read a regular's story all the way back to 2012. The stories all start out the same btw. As I followed along I waited for the bad news. Divorce, it's over, DB didn't work, etc. Much to my surprise they reconciled. That story made me lose hope though because even though they were separated they still had contact. I do not have that.
How do you even remotely reconcile without some form of contact? And yet I need no contact to get better. Ugh.