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A Message from Michele
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Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864706
09/09/19 03:27 PM
09/09/19 03:27 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
I've read plenty of "they came back" stories. They usually end with it was too late or they tried again and failed. I will fail until I change permanently. I will fail until I no longer need him.

A big part of why people try again is because well yes it's easier to fix an old relationship than build a new one.

Please give me hope. Is it true if he had the courage to do this after 30 years he's done?

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 03:30 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864710
09/09/19 03:53 PM
09/09/19 03:53 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
I feel guilty for calling my attorney. I feel like a separation agreement puts me on the fast track to divorce.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864711
09/09/19 03:54 PM
09/09/19 03:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,992
L
LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,992
K,

I know your a numbers person as am I and I know it can be comforting to have the odds in your favor. Before my w filed I stumbled onto some sort of divorce calculator based on information you type in. How long married, education, if our parents were divorced etc. My score came back we had a 6% chance of getting divorced. Guess what? We got divorced. You are never going to know how the future unravels. If you did, wouldn’t life be pretty boring?

Continue to fix yourself and that will continue to increase the odds.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Moving soon [Re: LH19] #2864729
09/09/19 05:08 PM
09/09/19 05:08 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
kas99  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
Quote
I know your a numbers person as am I and I know it can be comforting to have the odds in your favor. Before my w filed I stumbled onto some sort of divorce calculator based on information you type in. How long married, education, if our parents were divorced etc. My score came back we had a 6% chance of getting divorced. Guess what? We got divorced. You are never going to know how the future unravels. If you did, wouldn’t life be pretty boring?

Continue to fix yourself and that will continue to increase the odds.


I'm moving in 6 weeks and WAH is so done with me. He'd rather work 16 hours a day, live in a camper, have a kid disown him that be married to me. Could I be hated anymore than this?

The glimmer of hope I have is yes fixing myself. The kids have seen me do a 180 and since he's unhappy they've preferred being with me. He hates this and yet we both expect me to fail (yes both of us). Change is hard work and he will know if I fail.

Right now he'd probably love it if I failed because then the kids would gravitate to him.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864731
09/09/19 05:16 PM
09/09/19 05:16 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
My 14 year old made me a bracelet and I wear it everyday. I would NEVER have done this before. I know awful right? She and I weren't close (WAH hated this about me) so she wouldn't have made me a bracelet anyway. This morning I left it on the bathroom counter and she brings it to me "you almost forgot this". Yes I did and it was an accident. I've got it on now.

Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 05:18 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864734
09/09/19 05:22 PM
09/09/19 05:22 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
I say these things wondering if this would increase my odds. Would you want to come back to someone who changed this much? I swear I'm nothing like the person I was when he left. At first it was manipulative yes but its hard to stop now because I'd have to look at the disappointed looks on my kids faces. I couldn't bear that.

I know it will take years before he (and I) believe this will stick. If I were him I wouldn't come back for at least 18 months on the low end.

Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864735
09/09/19 05:24 PM
09/09/19 05:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 163
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crdcheck Offline
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Hey K, it sounds like this terrible situation has enabled you to grow closer to your children so that's a win.

As far as the separation and "fast-tracking" of divorce goes, you have to choose your own boundaries and own them. If your WAH is crossing the "light" ones you have in place, but thicker ones down. You are a unique individual with your own needs and desires and you cannot let his selfishness diminish you. I know that this is horrible, the last thing you want, and a huge swirl of unknown. Your push for separation may be a reality check for him that snaps him back (honestly, less than likely) or put you on the path toward a new life, new relationships. Either way, it is better than the status quo. And maybe one of those "new relationships" is him. Let's be real, you don't want the guy he is back, you want someone different, someone with integrity who respects you and who honors his family.

Remember, none of this is permanent. You can maintain hope while moving on.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: Moving soon [Re: crdcheck] #2864748
09/09/19 06:30 PM
09/09/19 06:30 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
Quote
Your push for separation may be a reality check for him that snaps him back (honestly, less than likely) or put you on the path toward a new life, new relationships. Either way, it is better than the status quo. And maybe one of those "new relationships" is him. Let's be real, you don't want the guy he is back, you want someone different, someone with integrity who respects you and who honors his family.


He moved out 5.5 months ago. It was the dumbest move ever in terms of the kids but hey it's his life.

He's didn't want to involve attorneys until it was time to divorce and then he wanted a quick, cheap, uncontested divorce. Yeah that's not going to happen.

He talked me out of a separation agreement in April but now that I'm going to have to get my own place I want one.

I'm scared of his attorney but rumor has it she and mine are equally matched. This whole thing scares me. I will reserve judgement on WAH until I see what he does with alimony. Does he take back his original offer or does he use his shark to screw me over?


Last edited by kas99; 09/09/19 06:32 PM.
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864751
09/09/19 06:48 PM
09/09/19 06:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,909
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neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
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Hope is yours kas. Keep it in your heart.

Keep DB. GAL, detach, control expectations.

Have no fear. Be strong there girl!

Shine!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Moving soon [Re: kas99] #2864761
09/09/19 07:13 PM
09/09/19 07:13 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
kas99  Offline OP
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 545
I feel sick. I just rented a storage unit. My plan is to be out before he comes there to move. I do not want to see him. I'll give him a key via S19 and he can move the kids stuff to my place while I'm at work. Won't the separation agreement and divorce be handled through attorneys? If this is the way it works I won't have to see him for years. Easier to detach this way.

I haven't seen him in 2 months and we no longer speak.

This is all my fault.

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