She feels that I have, but I really haven’t. Because I have had so many people people wanting control in our home, I’ve had to be diplomatic about what I say or do and so she feels that I’ve lied to her.
I don’t snoop on her or spy on her because we’re not living together. I did put a tracker on her car. I told a few people I thought there was an affair when this started, but haven’t said anything since. I know I hurt her emotionally, so that might be why.
Her perception is her reality, so I’m trying to validate her feelings. My biggest issue is her parents. They hate me and don’t want me in her life anymore. They are very controlling and will stop at nothing to get what they want. She will take their side over anyone else.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I also have another question.
She keeps telling me she doesn’t trust me. I’ve never cheated on her and I’ve never given her a reason to betray her trust. This all started because I was upset with her for 8 months about a house we both tried to get. We are real estate agents.
Why does she say she can’t trust me?
Have you ever lied to her? Spied on her? Snooped on her? Told people things behind her back? Did you ever not doing something she trusted you would do?
Trust is more than cheating. Being upset with her for 8 months, essentially holding a grudge against her, is betrayal. Again, even if you've been perfect, empathize with her. Her perception is HER reality.
I have been going to IC for about 9 months and long before this started. I enjoy it and have gotten a lot out of it. I also enjoy MC because the MC usually agrees with me because she’s so out there.
Does that change your advice?
Originally Posted by Steve85
Hey, MC with a partner that isn't committed to the Marv is usually a waste of time. If strongly urge you to really consider stopping MC.
Tell her:
"I've decided that MC isn't appropriate right now. However, I have issues I need to work through so I'm going to start IC instead."
This does 2 things. It sends the messages that you are into just going through the emotions. And that you are still working on yourself.
She just wants to talk about the relationship in therapy. I still don’t see how only talking about it for 4 hours a month will do any good. Would you explain that to me?
Why is shaking her hand weird? She is treating this like a business, so why not shake her hand ?
Why do WAS try to build distance between us? Don’t they think there’s enough? Why do you think she is doing it?
How do I show her that I’ve moved on? I know it’s easier if I already have and I feel like I’m almost there, but I’m not there yet. I’m about 50/50, but I’m at 95 ready to be done with all this stress.
Do WAS have a fog? I know WW do, but I didn’t think WAS did. So what you’re saying is definitely prepare for a divorce while she is in this fog and when she snaps out of it, revisit?
It’s hard to just watch her on this roller coaster and I did really good with it for awhile, but she sucked me in again by saying all the right things and doing some of them to make me stop pulling away. So now I’m pulling away again.
I don’t know if I’m at that state yet, but I doubt it. I am doing what I feel is best for our family but that’s always included her. I will need to start making choices very soon that will negatively affect our chances of reconciling. So I need to make those choices not for all 3 of us, but for my son and I regardless of it ruins any chance of reconciliation?
Also, any idea why she didn’t take her wedding ring back? I offered it to her at 3 different times to show her I’m done with her nonsense. She ran the first 2 times and got upset the third time. It was almost like she was scared I was serious.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
Our son started practice today, so this was the first time we’ve had to be together in public to work on coparenting. I felt it was awkward. As usual, she brought her mother. This was also the first time I’d seen her mother in months. I spoke to her mother and tried to be nice, but got yelled at a couple of times.
Next time sit somewhere else or go stand by the rail and watch.
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I was also told that I would NEVER get back in her parents heart. I got the blame for everything again with her mother too. I took it because I’m trying to humble myself. I explained that this wasn’t the time or place to get angry at me. She agreed and walked off.
No R talks at kid functions, period! EVER! If she starts it or her mom or whoever, just say "I'm here to enjoy watching S and support him, let's discuss that another time." If they continue then go sit somewhere else (which you should be doing anyway).
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My wife was cold and distant with me the entire time. When practice was over, I took my son to her car where she was there. I told her it was nice to see her and I tried to shake her hand.
You tried to SHAKE HER HAND??? Are you buying a used car from her? Don't do that, she is right that is really weird.
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We texted for about 20 mins after, as I was trying to understand why she wasn’t so cold and distant with me. She just said because she was. I feel it ‘s all because she was around her parents and I don’t know how to overcome that issue.
She's a WAS, it's what they do. She's trying to build distance between the two of you and you need to respect that and give it to her.
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Im trying to stay positive. I’m GALing like a madman. I’m living my own life. I am trying my best to be so patient. I’m just to my breaking point.
If you're really GALing and living your own life, then you don't need to be patient and you don't have a "breaking point", right? Think about this. These comments don't go together! When you drop the rope and detach, then you're positive no matter what is going on with your W. You are happy. You don't need patience because you're not waiting, you're done waiting and you've moved on. There is no "breaking point" when you get here.
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Is 6 months a long time to be patient?
In DBing terms 6 months isn't much. I know it seems like forever to you but it's not. It takes a good year to 18 months to well and truly detach for most people. And it can take longer than that for a WAS to come out of the fog.
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Are these ups and downs normal? Why do they happen?
Yes they are normal. Why is hard to explain because the "why" is in her head. There's a storm raging in there and she is confused and in turmoil even if she doesn't act like it outwardly. Her actions and words will flip around and defy logic. It's why we call it the "roller coaster". Your goal is to get off of it and let her ride it alone. She goes up and down and round and round while you stand tall on firm ground.
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When is enough enough?!?
You'll eventually reach a zen state where you realize life isn't about her or your M, it transcends that. And you'll start making choices based on what is best for you and your children rather than out of blind loyalty to a marriage that is already dead. Ironically it's not until you get to that point that she might look back at what she's missing.
During webchat last night, my son and I were out to dinner. She spoke to him for awhile and the had to go to dinner herself or so she says. She looked very nice though, still business like with me.
I just don’t understand why she wants to be like that with me and why she says she still doesn’t want to work on our marriage. I’m also wondering about the questions from my last post too.
It sounds like you're still wondering why we all say "What?!" when you describe your hand-shaking.
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Why is shaking her hand weird? She is treating this like a business, so why not shake her hand?
Your wife and apparently many of us have an intuitive sense that offering a handshake in that social situation is unusual. For expert guidance on when to shake hands, see: https://www.quora.com/When-should-you-shake-someones-hand
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbdn"
My wife was cold and distant with me the entire time... I was just trying to give her what she's giving me.. She wants to treat this like a business.. What should I have done?
No physical contact would've been better. I see your point--that she was acting cold and distant. Maybe the handshake was a passive-aggressive way of expressing, "It's like this is just business and not personal"? Only you know what you were thinking, but if so, it's clever but better is not acting out.
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
She absolutely refused and walked off. When I asked her why she wouldn’t do that, she said because it was weird. I don’t know why that’s weird.
Offering a single handshake was a faux pas. A second error was not just accepting "No". You say she walked off.. and then you asked? Did you follow, call out, bring it up later? When someone says "No" to a physical contact, they shouldn't have to justify it. We are masters of and control our own bodies.
