Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2

[crdcheck]

Agree completely with AS and I will add that I have had the exact. same. feelings as you. Literally word for word. So, you aren't alone and that's a natural feeling.

The question I ask myself is, what do I expect to get out of this? Is it to make me feel better? Do I think W will come back? Your answer may be different from mine but for me it was bitterness, like, "hey, everything from here on out is your fault so don't come crying to me" because, let's face it, those words and any other words you may have will not make your W come back, period.

I know that I have not yet succeeded with my bid to R but I can tell you with 100% certainty that it's actions, not words, that will attract her. So, stop with the words, save them for someone who will really listen.

Don't give in!!!

[DaB35]

Thanks AS - that was a quick resolution to that query!

[DaB35]

I can tell you with 100% certainty that it's actions, not words, that will attract her. So, stop with the words, save them for someone who will really listen.

Don't give in!!!

Great advice, thank you. I am certainly trying this. I am not checking my phone all the time to see if she's messaged. When this all started in May I used to get really nervous when I saw she'd text me, now when she does I don't. I am definitely feeling like I'm detaching.

My actions currently are focussed on exercise, celebrating passing my exams (my parents have said they'll buy me a couple of things I've had my eye on for a few weeks as a well done), making a bit of money selling stuff on Ebay, keeping myself attractive (haircut every 4 weeks, grooming routine and sticking to it, wearing my expensive cologne to work), and enjoying simple things like feeling the breeze, or watching the birds in my parents' back garden every morning as I have my breakfast.

There are times recently when I feel *good* about life.

[DaB35]

I now have all the info and fees from 3 estate agents.

I've summarised them together so I can see what the total cost is of selling the house and, roughly, what myself and W would each get from the proceeds. Massive differences I can tell you!

I am thinking of sending this summary to her and essentially telling her to choose. It is her decision to D and sell the house. I'd really appreciate advice on what would be the best way of phrasing this.

I don't want to just say "Here are all the numbers and options. You choose. This is your thing - you know I don't want to sell the house." That to me comes across as passive-aggressive and unhelpful. I've helped her in collating the info. I don't want to choose who sells our lovely home.

Any thoughts would be really welcome, thank you!


Aside - Thank you for everyone who has commented and posted on my thread. All of your thoughts have been enormously helpful. I'm sad I didn't discover this board very early on in my situation. I really am grateful for all your input.

[DS9]

Hi W. Here’s a list of agents and respective fees I’ve collated. Please select one from the list. My choice is agent X. Look forward to hearing from you asap. Regds for now, Dan 35

Dan, anything else in my view is weak and pressure. You’ll look like a goose if you keep repeating you don’t want to sell the house. Either stall that or Refinance and pay her out if you want to keep it. See a lawyer first though.

Negotiate with the agent to reduce commission

What you doing for gal? I’ve gone to a hotel for dinner by myself. I’m having 500gr rib eye steak with all the trimmings. F—k sitting home alone on a Saturday night!

Good luck mate

[DaB35]

OK yes that's short and sweet isn't it.

Not sure what the re-mortgaging process involves. We do have a mortgage broker so I could speak to her about it potentially ??

For GAL - see further up the thread. Lots of things (for me anyway).

[DS9]

Yes dan see your broker to check borrowing capacity. Call bank to see if break fee for paying the mortgage out early.See a lawyer about your family law property settlement entitlements. Is home and mortgage in joint names? If transfer of ownership needed Your lawyer will tell you if there are family law waivers for transfer. Not sure for uk but suspect similar to oz. check with a lawyer anyway.

Check my terminology as uk could be different

[DaB35]

Got a text from W just now thanking me for doing some work for her.

Before this all kicked off I arranged some music for a youth group she directs - she struggles finding repertoire for them as it's an odd mix of instruments, so I've helped out by doing things for her. I did one piece ages ago in Feb/March (so before everything exploded!) and she texted me now to say "Thank you for the arrangement, we started looking at it this week - the kids really loved it!"

Thought it was interesting that she took the time to send it. Not a lot of effort to do it I know, but she didn't have to. It's quite unrelated to everything so thought it odd that amidst everyting happening she'd thank me for that.

I will wait until this evening to reply - or should I just ignore it?

I'll send the estate agent summary by email and won't tell her I've done it. I'm thinking "Detach" at all possible

[DS9]

Wait a few hours then reply with ‘no worries ‘ or whatever the uk equivalent is, or just a thumb up emoji is my current go to. Better yet, say nothing.

[DaB35]

I've decided I will not reply. I have to stop thinking of her expectantly waiting for a "thanks" text from me. She won't be doing that. Nor will she be texting later asking "why are you ignoring me?" - I assume she won't do that anyway!

She hasn't chased for the house stuff, so I'm going to wait on that too til at least after the weekend.

I've had a fairly relaxed day - exercise in the morning, got the car washed, worked on some hobby stuff, watched some funny YouTube vids, and then I discovered there was a little food festival going on in town so went to that. Had some delicious bao steamed buns and bought some nice garlic oil. I then cooked for my parents - got good feedback from the dinner!

I have thought about W a little. Nothing sad, just about her as a person really. I haven't thought about the house though.